Well I've started a new blog that covers a different viewpoint. Not sure if I will come back to this one eventually and do two, but the new one I hope still has the humor and poor spelling of this one, but actually occurs on a daily basis.
ENJOY!
http://1000-steps-to-discovering-me.blogspot.com/
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Monday, July 27, 2009
Another Day in the Life of... Holy Crap Dinosaurs!
Mmmm, does anyone remember that show Dino-Saucers about Dinosaurs from space? Freaking kicked ass, that's all I got to say. I think I shall go download it and watch it. I know I should probably feel guilty about downloading shows... but I don't. Reason being is that they are hard as crap to get ahold of sometimes. And in reality, I think everyone who makes them earns too much money anyway, but if I were to really like something I think i would buy it. But if I really hate something I will download it and seed it FOREVER (For those not trained in the art of piracy when you download something you are a leecher, but when you upload something you are a seeder (not the tree) and so when you upload is when you screw people out of their "hard earned" money. Hence by uploading a shitty movie such as the Dragon Ball Z Movie, Made of Honor (chick flick and yes it sucked) or any of Season 2 or 3 of Heroes, you prevent the creators from seeing that much more revenue. Take THAT! Kind of like being savaged by a kitten, but I like to think I make a difference)
But I digress, there are many many shows out there that I loved as a kid, and it tears me up when Hollywood thinks they can make money by creating a slap-shit film based off of one of my childhood idols. And in this case, I refer to GI-Joe. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they broke open the warehouse storing the costumes from X-Men 1 and Batman vs the Abominable Snowman and brought out those shitty rubber suits that they must have freaking had on clearance somewhere, and decided to make a GI-Joe movie.
It makes me want to stab myself....with a gun. Bayonet Style.
And I shall sum up my feeling as thus.
Here is the Trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp83NFtWnRQ
Now that you have watched it, here is a clip from "Flight of the Concords":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvrva8NoMLM
That's right. Their costumes are IDENTICAL!
You know that Cobra Commander? The bad ass guy?
In the movie he is that little shit from 3rd rock from the sun (the son)
And I shall leave you with the highlight of my day. My realization that my feet are too Damned BIG. I took a kickboxing class today for fun, and needless to say there is a big mirror you do stuff in front of. It was like watching a Freaking clown kick box. My tiny little legs offset by giant feet made it look like I was a marionette. Everyone all slick and tight in their movements and my legs are flopping around all over the place and i swear I was floating for a little while, as my legs were just flopping around. Just slap a red nose on me I'm done.
OUT!
But I digress, there are many many shows out there that I loved as a kid, and it tears me up when Hollywood thinks they can make money by creating a slap-shit film based off of one of my childhood idols. And in this case, I refer to GI-Joe. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, they broke open the warehouse storing the costumes from X-Men 1 and Batman vs the Abominable Snowman and brought out those shitty rubber suits that they must have freaking had on clearance somewhere, and decided to make a GI-Joe movie.
It makes me want to stab myself....with a gun. Bayonet Style.
And I shall sum up my feeling as thus.
Here is the Trailer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp83NFtWnRQ
Now that you have watched it, here is a clip from "Flight of the Concords":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvrva8NoMLM
That's right. Their costumes are IDENTICAL!
You know that Cobra Commander? The bad ass guy?
In the movie he is that little shit from 3rd rock from the sun (the son)
And his outfit, because the whole KKK look was not Kosher enough...
they went all Skeletor on his ass. Skeletor plus apparently the blob.
Skeletor meets predator actually. Makes me want to "punch self in crotch"
Skeletor meets predator actually. Makes me want to "punch self in crotch"
GI-Joe is the most badass show, I sat down for an episode a year ago and in ONE episode, Cobra Command took OVER AMERICA, and then, in the second half of that HALF HOUR SHOW, Gi-Joe TOOK IT BACK
No show has that much action any more. F-in ridiculous. What is the plot of this movie going to be about, how Cobra Command takes over a f-ing candy factory?
I hate Hollywood they can sit on a dick.
But enough of my rank, I promised drinking games and drinking games you shall have. (Doesn't really make me sound like the best reference for movie critique, but what can you do)
First off one of my personal favorites. Now I've blogged about this one before but I played it again and it still holds strong. Wizards Staff. A game where each time you drink a beer, you tape the empty can to your new beer. Biggest Staff Wins. But I still want to create better rules. Ive seen where people can cast spells, and where they team up to fight a dragon or something every 5 or so beers. The potential is limitless, but I will harness it and create the rules of Awesome.
Second Game: One I created and I do not recommend AT ALL. Memory. Yea, kind of says it all. Sort of like a spiraling out of control drinking game. If you dare risk it, enjoy it.
Thirdly: A few Friend of mine were over the other night and we created, well it doesn't have a name, so I'll call it the singing game. Basically you say a letter in the Alphabet and assign it to someone. They must sing a song starting with that letter in the lyrics, or that start with the Sound (ie. X could be Excellent, or Q could be Cute) and if you can't you drink, and if you can, they drink. Someone always drinks and eventually everyone is drunk and singing like some out of control German Alehouse. Good times ensue.
Fourthly: Now this one I came up with cause my bro was out at the bars by himself, and was bored. Now I have not perfected this one yet, but I believe it will be the best drinking game of all time once I have. Basically the way it would work is you and some Friend go out to a bar. Now each of you prior to then have chosen an "Puppet master" basically a Friend or family member somewhere not there. Then throughout the night, when you encounter things you have to make a decision about you must txt your puppet master, and they make the decision for you. Ordering a beer? I don't think so, Pina Colada please and don't forget that umbrella! Think she's cute? Too bad you're talking to her ugly friend! Have to go to the bathroom? Hold it! And stop asking cause the answer isn't going to change! And so on and merriment ensues like the make your own adventure books never foresaw.
Fifthly: A game that works a little better with text messaging cause you only text 2 words. That's right kids. Red light, Green light. Now I'll explain how this worked when I did it and you can have fun too. I was out with some Friends and my bro when I conceived this idea, and my bro (kudos to him for being awesome and sticking this one out) and basically the game ran like this. I would text my bro red light. And when he got that text, he would have to stop. Until he got Green light. Now this amused me for awhile cause he was a trooper and would stop mid conversation with a girl to stare straight ahead until he could move again. The real fun began when I got a bit tipsy and started giving out his phone number to random people and telling them about the game. So I would be wandering through the bar and spot him dead still in the middle of a dance floor or just stuck in a corner somewhere until someone graciously would send him green light. Bravo Josie. I salute your dedication. So I recommend this game to the troopers out there. Needs some honing but is good times.
Sixthly: This isn't a new game, but still a goodie. Chug a beer. Put a broom on your head and spin 15 times. Throw broom. Jump over broom. Few things in my life have EVER been that funny. Seeing someone throw a broom then turn, look the other way and jump on their face warms my heart like Christmas.
Lastly: I was at a bachelor party last weekend and played a game called Puke. You basically just drink alot. So I shall skip that one and talk about "Thunderstruck by AC/DC" The way you do this is when they say "Thunder" you drink. You don't stop, however, until they say Thunder again, and depending on the version you play, this could be awhile. This is the ultimate way to get pumped up for a night out, and to blow through a case QUICKLY. Enjoy!
But enough of my rank, I promised drinking games and drinking games you shall have. (Doesn't really make me sound like the best reference for movie critique, but what can you do)
First off one of my personal favorites. Now I've blogged about this one before but I played it again and it still holds strong. Wizards Staff. A game where each time you drink a beer, you tape the empty can to your new beer. Biggest Staff Wins. But I still want to create better rules. Ive seen where people can cast spells, and where they team up to fight a dragon or something every 5 or so beers. The potential is limitless, but I will harness it and create the rules of Awesome.
Second Game: One I created and I do not recommend AT ALL. Memory. Yea, kind of says it all. Sort of like a spiraling out of control drinking game. If you dare risk it, enjoy it.
Thirdly: A few Friend of mine were over the other night and we created, well it doesn't have a name, so I'll call it the singing game. Basically you say a letter in the Alphabet and assign it to someone. They must sing a song starting with that letter in the lyrics, or that start with the Sound (ie. X could be Excellent, or Q could be Cute) and if you can't you drink, and if you can, they drink. Someone always drinks and eventually everyone is drunk and singing like some out of control German Alehouse. Good times ensue.
Fourthly: Now this one I came up with cause my bro was out at the bars by himself, and was bored. Now I have not perfected this one yet, but I believe it will be the best drinking game of all time once I have. Basically the way it would work is you and some Friend go out to a bar. Now each of you prior to then have chosen an "Puppet master" basically a Friend or family member somewhere not there. Then throughout the night, when you encounter things you have to make a decision about you must txt your puppet master, and they make the decision for you. Ordering a beer? I don't think so, Pina Colada please and don't forget that umbrella! Think she's cute? Too bad you're talking to her ugly friend! Have to go to the bathroom? Hold it! And stop asking cause the answer isn't going to change! And so on and merriment ensues like the make your own adventure books never foresaw.
Fifthly: A game that works a little better with text messaging cause you only text 2 words. That's right kids. Red light, Green light. Now I'll explain how this worked when I did it and you can have fun too. I was out with some Friends and my bro when I conceived this idea, and my bro (kudos to him for being awesome and sticking this one out) and basically the game ran like this. I would text my bro red light. And when he got that text, he would have to stop. Until he got Green light. Now this amused me for awhile cause he was a trooper and would stop mid conversation with a girl to stare straight ahead until he could move again. The real fun began when I got a bit tipsy and started giving out his phone number to random people and telling them about the game. So I would be wandering through the bar and spot him dead still in the middle of a dance floor or just stuck in a corner somewhere until someone graciously would send him green light. Bravo Josie. I salute your dedication. So I recommend this game to the troopers out there. Needs some honing but is good times.
Sixthly: This isn't a new game, but still a goodie. Chug a beer. Put a broom on your head and spin 15 times. Throw broom. Jump over broom. Few things in my life have EVER been that funny. Seeing someone throw a broom then turn, look the other way and jump on their face warms my heart like Christmas.
Lastly: I was at a bachelor party last weekend and played a game called Puke. You basically just drink alot. So I shall skip that one and talk about "Thunderstruck by AC/DC" The way you do this is when they say "Thunder" you drink. You don't stop, however, until they say Thunder again, and depending on the version you play, this could be awhile. This is the ultimate way to get pumped up for a night out, and to blow through a case QUICKLY. Enjoy!
And I shall leave you with the highlight of my day. My realization that my feet are too Damned BIG. I took a kickboxing class today for fun, and needless to say there is a big mirror you do stuff in front of. It was like watching a Freaking clown kick box. My tiny little legs offset by giant feet made it look like I was a marionette. Everyone all slick and tight in their movements and my legs are flopping around all over the place and i swear I was floating for a little while, as my legs were just flopping around. Just slap a red nose on me I'm done.
OUT!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
A Few new Movies, a few new shenanigens.
Well Well Well. Let us see where life has left us. I could say that I have not blogged lately because I am busy at the new job, just bought a house or am catering to my woman’s every whim, but I think in reality we all know that it was just because I am lazy. But onward and upward we shall go. I still intend to write on a weekly basis, but we shall see if I get off my butt to accomplish this.
Recently I have seen a few movies that have both astounded me (and believe me I have a high astoundment threshold) and ones that have nearly taken me back to the days of my youth when I used to soil myself.
Let us start with the review of one amazing movie. UP. I LOVED this movie. If I could have babies, and could have babies with a movie, and those babies were guaranteed to inherit their movie like genes from UP and go off to make millions of dollars to support my lazy ass, I would have babies with UP. A few things this movie did that were exceptional were the following. The writing was clever, it was better by far than most out there, but held to a very suitable story arc, introducing characters, allowing both main and sub characters to grow, and it developed the plot well. The thing I was TRULY amazed about, however, was the syncing of the writing and the directing. Yes yes, I know, you can’t direct a cartoon, but I have to say, these cartoon actors did a better job than any real actor I have seen in a long time. It would allow the reactions and, and this is the most important part kids, the lines left UNSAID, to dictate what was happening and tell the story. Brilliant. Very few movies do this now where they tell a story by reaction of characters and unspoken words. Most will either hit you over the head with plot, leave out so much dialogue thinking they are clever (but are not) or will make Vampires made out of glitter, which I still cannot understand. They are coming out with a sequel to Twilight you know. 25% more glitter or so I’ve heard. Family pack style. *Sigh*
I also saw the movie TAKEN. Also GREAT, but much more a guy movie with guns and such. Basic plot Leim Nisan's daughter is kidnapped and kills a hundred foreigners to get her back. But done kick ass quasi “24” style. I heard the blue ray disc version of the movie has a body counter that keeps track of his kills. I know what is on my wish list. That’s right, more pants. But I would also like to own this movie. But truthfully, this is one people would like cause it is a badass dad kicking ass in a world gone wrong where he don’t get no respect. It’s like a badass Rodney Dangerfield from Caddie Shack where he is the dad and the world is the Golfer.
Now on to the last of the great movies I have recently seen. I would like to award the unsung hero award of awesome to a movie few people knew came out and was watched by even fewer, and purchased perhaps by one die hard fan and his retarded pet goldfish. The Dragon Ball Z movie. Now I have a list of movies I am required to watch very very drunk, and unfortunately was not in the presence of alcohol when watching this precious Gem. I think my favorite aspect about this movie was that (now remember DBZ is an Anime) every Asian was now white, and the ONLY white guy in the anime is now an Asian. Bravo Hollywood, bravo. I can only assume magic spectacles and lots of money were involved on that decision. A few other amazing things about this movie was the way it promotes female violence. Not in the usual girl on girl way, but in the slap her around way. I think they were trying to shy away from the G rated crowd on that one. The plot completely lacked consistency, people basically teleport around and know crucial parts of the plot with no motivation as though their character had a copy of the script they were allowed to read as a bedtime story and it was basically as awesome and punching myself in the penis and paying for the experience.
I think my personal high point of the movie was where Apollo Creed and Rocky came out and reenacted the end of Rocky 3 to finish up the movie in a basically confusing as possible and rip-off style kind of way.
Other things of interest aside from movies, and yes I suck and am working down a list I wrote about a month ago when I had intended to write this blog. Boo me, but let us continue.
Recently bought a house. And let me tell you, buying something like that is the BIGGEST pain in the ass in the WORLD. For many many many reasons. For starters, I think over time various people for good reasons and greedy ones have orchestrated about as many contracts and “important” pieces of paper in regard to House buying as can be imagined and NO ONE knows what they are all for. I basically recall singing my name to a piece of paper adding extra money for my loan as insurance against “Magical Attacks from Wizards”. Well if I ever go to cash in on the insurance I know what fraud scheme I’m gonna pull. Harry Potter style, woot! (Haven’t seen it yet, don’t spoil it for me)
But I’m happy to own a house even after all the fixes we made the sellers do. And now I have a yard, and am apparently responsible for its maintenance. Nothing against the little lady, but I think she builds it up in her head how good I am at something. I say once how I planted a tree and in three weeks I’m freakin Poison Ivy from Batman being pursued across rooftops and through sewers. This is probably not helped my evening attire and gorgeous long red hair.
But the house is nice, once it is all set in though, it will be party time.
Job is still going well. Getting more and more silly application, and finding strange ones:
Push Up Device
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=2OMeAAAAEBAJ&dq=5,503,101
Drink Holder: Figure 2
http://www.google.com/patents?id=2wURAAAAEBAJ&dq=2003/0186614
Money in pocket and bra device
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=Et8aAAAAEBAJ&dq=5481758
Trap Breath as a Keepsake
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=3lSaAAAAEBAJ&dq=2006/0051245
Condoms are everywhere
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=dOovAAAAEBAJ&dq=4741434
Auto Disrobe
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=Gd6RAAAAEBAJ&dq=2005/0223479
I think it’s a Bjorg ship.
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=zWUwAAAAEBAJ&dq=4509805
Fig 1, Drowning baby
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=1KQjAAAAEBAJ&dq=5183179
Picture Condom
http://www.google.com/patents?id=o6YEAAAAEBAJ&printsec=abstract&zoom=4
My favorite is the last. For those crazy nights out on the town where you just need to recall what happened and with whom. We promote Quality here at the patent office, pure unadulterated Quality.
Also started a new diet (P90X) with the wife. Trying to lose the keg and turn it into a sixer, or perhaps a nice bottle of Chardonnay (I have a very weird shaped body) But all in all the eating right and working out is going well, except that in an effort to stick to it I’m trying very hard to stick to it, so I have consequently pulled a Milton from Office space the day there were like 3 cakes in my office. Stupid birthdays. Stupid King Cones (so delicious). Angry Face! But we strive. I started to forget to shave my beard when I started too, and was thinking I would continue to let it thrive under the premise that I would let it go until I was happy with my weight. That’s right folks I’m doing the diet that turns FAT into BEARD! Here is a graphic representation of how I will look:
I’ll be black with AWESOME, and as a side effect of the diet.
Well that is all for now. Next blog will have the worlds BEST NEW DRINKING GAME and others!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
What Motivates Us? And some fun Patents.
What motivates us from day to day? I find myself wondering this as I sit here, as must be all together obvious. But the answer to this elludes me. So we shall deduce from ground zero shall we. I find little motivation these days, and this causes me to wonder what motivates me. What is lacking in my life now that was there before? Perhaps nothing. Perhaps I am now acting unknowingly on my motivations, completing tasks I would otherwise have put onto some proverbial To Do list on the referigerator of my mind held there with the magnet of my intentions.
Holy crap too many metaphors. But still, I must continue, I must press on. What motivates us day to day?
I am motivated by money. This is sad but true, and I think everyone is motivated by money. It is the ideal of the American society. I would rather work for bank, than work the job of my dreams and earn nothing. Well SURE people would SAY they would rather work the job of thier dreams, but when the stress of picking the cheapest thing off the menue because you have student loans to pay back comes home to roost, then, well, money seems the better option by far. And besides. Happiness can't buy you a Boat. Unless you are a really sucessfull prostitute, then SOMEONE's happiness is buying you a boat at least.
So back to topic. I find myself feeling a little more up and about when I write, hence this writing. But seeing as I am not attached at the hip to my glorious computer, but instead are more attached at the face to my work computer, what else can I do to motivate?
Eat. ALOT. Well that is true, but probably not the best solution. I cook. A little retardedly obsesivly. I find myself throwing a small tantrum in the privacy of my mind if my omlet doesn't look as picturesque as I would like. Odd outlets for perfection driven by a need for motivation. I'm a little tempted to make cookies with smily faces on them.
Sports. I love to do some sports, and feel nicely motivated while I'm doing them. Then a little old and slow when I realize how bad I am at them. I used to be able to touch the rim on the basketball hoop, but now I jump like the whitest boy in school. So sad. I feel like if I ever got mugged there would be no chance in hell I could run away from the mugger cause I would start to wheeze and fall over from a heart attack about ten feet out.
So where was I? Yes. Motivation. I feel motivated when I am doing things I enjoy, and moving towards goals I set for myself, and most importantly, suceeding. I can feel motivation at work, but only when I am getting something done. When I have a solution in front of me. When I am not suceeding, when I am staring at a patent and thinking to myself, "What the F? Why would someone invent this?? This invention is so retarded of COURSE no one will have made one before now. Damn!"
And so I sit here watching the movie Twilight, reputed to be the Harry Potter of Vampire movies, and let me tell you I am SO looking forward to seeing how the Trainwreck of a concept will play out. And I feel... motivated. I feel motivated cause I am about to be amused by my own brain. I will watch this movie and that small part of my mind that isn't going to be beaten into submission by the sheer ridiculousness of this movie will be standing back and knocking out a little Mystery Science Theater 2000 on this biatch.
And there it is.
I think that is my motivation. Being able to have that part of my brain that knocks out the great and awesome whiticism that each and every moment of my life deserves because half the stuff in my life is just silly. I mean really. I own a 30 year old turtle who is kick ass to watch. There is no end of the crazy things to muse about in the back of my head. And to prove it. See how I amuse myself at work:
Now hold on a moment, I shall watch Twilight,
...
.....
...
Well, now it is a day later, and I have to say one thing. According to Twilight, Vampires are made.... of Glitter. Yes, Vampires are made, Of Mother-F-in-Glitter.
http://media.photobucket.com/image/twilight%20movie%20sparkle/orangeokapi13/216675550_2025288.gif
And I feel frightened to badmouth the movie further, drawing attention to the silly simpering acting, and the writing which is not only predictable but, yet again, just silly, and how the movie loves to put little emo characters and pretty boy teenagers into a "Vampire" movie, and yes it deserves the quotes much like I would put quotes around Jean Simmons being a "Man among Men". But as I said, frightened to badmouth it cause apparently teeny boppers beat the shit out of people, kill themselves, and throw acid at each other cause they are so obsessed with this beast. Yes, they throw mother F-in ACID at people, for badmouthing Twilight!
http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/twilightattacksnews
or
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Twilight
Screw This, I'm OUT!
Holy crap too many metaphors. But still, I must continue, I must press on. What motivates us day to day?
I am motivated by money. This is sad but true, and I think everyone is motivated by money. It is the ideal of the American society. I would rather work for bank, than work the job of my dreams and earn nothing. Well SURE people would SAY they would rather work the job of thier dreams, but when the stress of picking the cheapest thing off the menue because you have student loans to pay back comes home to roost, then, well, money seems the better option by far. And besides. Happiness can't buy you a Boat. Unless you are a really sucessfull prostitute, then SOMEONE's happiness is buying you a boat at least.
So back to topic. I find myself feeling a little more up and about when I write, hence this writing. But seeing as I am not attached at the hip to my glorious computer, but instead are more attached at the face to my work computer, what else can I do to motivate?
Eat. ALOT. Well that is true, but probably not the best solution. I cook. A little retardedly obsesivly. I find myself throwing a small tantrum in the privacy of my mind if my omlet doesn't look as picturesque as I would like. Odd outlets for perfection driven by a need for motivation. I'm a little tempted to make cookies with smily faces on them.
Sports. I love to do some sports, and feel nicely motivated while I'm doing them. Then a little old and slow when I realize how bad I am at them. I used to be able to touch the rim on the basketball hoop, but now I jump like the whitest boy in school. So sad. I feel like if I ever got mugged there would be no chance in hell I could run away from the mugger cause I would start to wheeze and fall over from a heart attack about ten feet out.
So where was I? Yes. Motivation. I feel motivated when I am doing things I enjoy, and moving towards goals I set for myself, and most importantly, suceeding. I can feel motivation at work, but only when I am getting something done. When I have a solution in front of me. When I am not suceeding, when I am staring at a patent and thinking to myself, "What the F? Why would someone invent this?? This invention is so retarded of COURSE no one will have made one before now. Damn!"
And so I sit here watching the movie Twilight, reputed to be the Harry Potter of Vampire movies, and let me tell you I am SO looking forward to seeing how the Trainwreck of a concept will play out. And I feel... motivated. I feel motivated cause I am about to be amused by my own brain. I will watch this movie and that small part of my mind that isn't going to be beaten into submission by the sheer ridiculousness of this movie will be standing back and knocking out a little Mystery Science Theater 2000 on this biatch.
And there it is.
I think that is my motivation. Being able to have that part of my brain that knocks out the great and awesome whiticism that each and every moment of my life deserves because half the stuff in my life is just silly. I mean really. I own a 30 year old turtle who is kick ass to watch. There is no end of the crazy things to muse about in the back of my head. And to prove it. See how I amuse myself at work:
Karate Cap:
Description: A Karate Weapon that is virtually Undetectable….
http://www.google.com/patents?id=b0eCAAAAEBAJ&dq=karate+cap
Diarrhea Mitten:
I think it is the stick that makes it Novel:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=zKsMAAAAEBAJ&dq=6516469
Bobble Head Figure:
Oh, I get it. She’s a Democrat.
http://www.google.com/patents?id=aDipAAAAEBAJ&dq=d567141
Jesus Doll for teaching children:
I think I’ve found the root of my religious ignorance.
http://www.google.com/patents?id=6AoYAAAAEBAJ&dq=6007404
Video Game Device:
I’m not entirely sure what he is up to….
http://www.google.com/patents?id=6RQRAAAAEBAJ&dq=2001/0008846
The Process of Love:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=tSeGAAAAEBAJ&dq=2003/0152907
Method of Exersising a Cat:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=OfwkAAAAEBAJ&dq=5443036
Interpersonal Pursuit Method
http://www.google.com/patents?id=DMGnAAAAEBAJ&dq=11/502049
Forehead Urinal Headrest
http://www.google.com/patents?id=22cQAAAAEBAJ&dq=6681419
Pet Display Clothing
http://www.google.com/patents?id=Kp4WAAAAEBAJ&dq=5901666
Musical Instrument adapted to emit a CONTROLLED FLAME
http://www.google.com/patents?id=qKw0AAAAEBAJ&dq=4247283
Method and Instrument for Proposing Marriage:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=9z2XAAAAEBAJ&dq=2007/0078663
Beerbrella:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=w-IMAAAAEBAJ&dq=6637447
Method of Swinging on a Swing:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=T2QKAAAAEBAJ&dq=method+swinging+swing+side+to+side
Best Drawing Ever:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=w-KXAAAAEBAJ&dq=2006/0027482
Dog Foot Through a Straw:
Alien Spaceship:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=6687AAAAEBAJ&dq=4023751
Incinerating Commode:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=B6EQAAAAEBAJ&dq=3885254
10 most ridiculous ever:
http://www.cracked.com/article_15693_10-most-ridiculous-inventions-ever-patented.html
Bike on Rail road Tracks:
http://www.google.com/patents?id=9_gtAAAAEBAJ&dq=4230046
Pen with Condom:
Now hold on a moment, I shall watch Twilight,
...
.....
...
Well, now it is a day later, and I have to say one thing. According to Twilight, Vampires are made.... of Glitter. Yes, Vampires are made, Of Mother-F-in-Glitter.
http://media.photobucket.com/image/twilight%20movie%20sparkle/orangeokapi13/216675550_2025288.gif
And I feel frightened to badmouth the movie further, drawing attention to the silly simpering acting, and the writing which is not only predictable but, yet again, just silly, and how the movie loves to put little emo characters and pretty boy teenagers into a "Vampire" movie, and yes it deserves the quotes much like I would put quotes around Jean Simmons being a "Man among Men". But as I said, frightened to badmouth it cause apparently teeny boppers beat the shit out of people, kill themselves, and throw acid at each other cause they are so obsessed with this beast. Yes, they throw mother F-in ACID at people, for badmouthing Twilight!
http://www.petitionspot.com/petitions/twilightattacksnews
or
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Twilight
Screw This, I'm OUT!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Who watches the Watchmen? Not me.... Cause I fell Asleep.
Well. Let me tell you about the evening I had. But to give you a full impression, let me start with when I woke up that day.... (insert shimmering flashback here) (flash forward again) Okay, I don't actually remember what I did during the DAY. But let us continue....
Who watches the Watchmen? Not me… not me. Why, you may ask? Well, settle back and I will begin a story for you, nay a fable about a young man who ventured off in search of adventure, in search of glory, in search of things to bring light to the faces of little children. But alas. Alas! Dear travelers. He found none of these things. All that he found on this treacherous journey, one that cost him a whole Sever Dollars he shall never see again but was wise enough to employ seeing as he has a work discount for movie tickets! All he returned from this journey with were memories. Nay nightmares. All he spoke of that haunted him….
Blue Penis.
That is right ladies and gentlemen. The Watchman movie didn’t just suck dick. It blew it. And a lot of it. Let me Paint a picture for you. The Watchmen is a short 12 comic book series which has been in the works for a movie for YEARS, with a large legal battle between Warner Bros and Fox, and finally it got made, yes finally! Even through the legal battle, even through the writer walking out on the set. What?! What you say, the writer walked away? They SAY he walked away, even though they were trying to make it as close as possible to the original story. So I have two things to say to that. Either that is a bold faced lie, or the writer was in fact a sock. A tube sock by preference. But I think the first option is more likely.
This movie is terrible, and coming from someone who has watched many movies, knows how to write them, understand them, and tear them apart, yet still has such incredibly low standards as to own the Transformers Movie, (NO, not the live action, the animated one with Weird Al Yankovitch songs!) I say this. The Watchmen was a TERRIBLE movie. I fell asleep for a part of it where it just began to narrate itself at length. I have only one way to describe the movie.
Soft Core Porn. No wait! Think about it. It had lame and frankly retarded sex, and all the rest was filled with absurd and out and out moronic plot and freaking ridiculously bad acting. WOW! It really IS a soft-core porn. And I paid SEVEN DOLLARS for this. And I am glad I only paid seven dollars, otherwise it would have cost me much much much more to have seen this film. Why you ask? Doesn’t it cost something like fourteen dollars normal, maybe a little popcorn on the side? Well, yes and no. For a normal movie that doesn’t suck, perhaps, but for this movie the costs rack up. If I had had to spend more than 7 dollars this is how it would have played out.
Step 1: Buy tickets for 14$
Step 2: Watch absolutely horrible movie, hate life a little bit, hate the movie a whole lot bit, hate the person to my right somewhere in between cause they are talking on their phone out of boredom, and hate the popcorn because it is cold.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for 500$
Steps 4-whatever: Taxi to the airport ($50), get on plane, fly to California. Pay off someone to tell me where to find the writer of the show. ($300 bribe). Track him down. Slap him. ($100 Assume hotel fees). Go to producing studio ($30 taxi). Remember I needed something. ($30 taxi to hardware store) Buy a shovel (Cause I like to save money you will see. $20) Back to studio ($30) Locate producers, and kill them with shovel. If possible take out the actors. Bury bodies (multi-tasker!) Spend a little bit to fake an alias ($700 for someone to say I was with them) and get off scott free. ($500 dollars home. $300 dollars therapy against blue penis shock).
Quite the expensive movie in reality. Holy crap it made me annoyed. Now some may state that I leave no specifics. Well here are some.
This movie was terrible because the main character is NO ONE. They never settle on someone to follow but instead drift between 3-4 people without ever developing their characters beyond one of them being able to DO the other one when some internal conflict is overcome by beating the hell out of some ninjas. (I think this is what happened, though in all honesty I know they were Asian and I probably was bored by this point and my imagination kicked in to save my sanity). But as I was saying, no one developed AT ALL. Then at the end, it is one of those really gay “ha-ha, got you, I as the maker of this movie am soooo much more clever than you, and you never saw this coming (though I did cause it is retarded) and on top of that I’m going to quite pointlessly kill a main character because I like to be Indi (i.e. Indi film where you do something to “make your mark” which I have never understood when you should be making the movie no SUCK) and then end the movie without resolving anything worth your time and money.
Yes, well. Poop. I wish I had walked out, but sadly it came to me to do so during the both incredibly boring, and INCREDIBLY dumb sex scene, and I opted to not look like a prude, even though I simply have good taste. On reflection I should have walked out during the sex scene to a cry of “They’re doing it all wrong!” or “They’re faking it!” or “The review said there was a donkey in this!” or “Horrible amounts of vomiting!” though that last one would be more of a verb than a noun.
How else can I both justify the pain this movie causes and convince other to not view it. It begins in a way that actually wasn’t too bad, with a back-story montage that fills you in (so I thought) and gets you interested. However, they then proceed to flashback about, oh, one billion times for no apparent reason other than to pull the “ah ha aren’t I clever you never suspected THIS flashback (which I did because whoever thought it WOULD be clever was an idiot)”. And so not only do you get a little lost, you stop caring completely to the point that when the end of the movie and climax comes around (the end of the movie climax, not the sexual one, cause that was just disturbing as crap) that you A) don’t know which character is who, B) don’t care if ANYONE dies, C) Know for a fact you have wasted your money, and D) Are now very frightened of the blue penis.
And yes, there is a big ol’ scary blue penis that makes a debut about 20 times in this movie. The only saving grace to this fact is that when the character due to super powers grows to 1000 times his normal size he somehow magically has a blackout bar on his penis. Apparently a 20 foot tall penis would be just “too much” to handle. Yes, this movie is rated R (for which I had to show my ID for some strange reason) and all because of blue penis. And I don’t know whose idea it was, or who wanted to rock it out to such a retarded degree, but when the scene shows the blue dude rocking out the blue penis on an empty plane, and the vantage point pans out quickly, and the special effects start to fuzz in everything cause they are lazy and it saves money to not require the detail of everything across the plain and characters as it zooms out at an alarming speed, for some reason, for some WEIRD reason, the rockin out blue penis stays 100% in focus even though the rest of the screen goes fuzzy. So F-in creepy, so F-in weird.
So. In conclusion. If you want to spend money to watch what boils down to a 3 hour soft core porn, that is badly acted, badly done, and frankly about as boring a watching a really old person try to blow out candles (which might be fun in reality, but pretend the old person is in a coma shall we), then this movie might just be for you. But if you have any standards at all, or even if you merely like to be able to stay awake during a movie please realize. The only thing worth watching in this movie might actually BE the blue penis. Yes. THAT bad. THAT much penis.
THAT much a waist of brainpower.
Not go and watch something good.
Over and out!
Who watches the Watchmen? Not me… not me. Why, you may ask? Well, settle back and I will begin a story for you, nay a fable about a young man who ventured off in search of adventure, in search of glory, in search of things to bring light to the faces of little children. But alas. Alas! Dear travelers. He found none of these things. All that he found on this treacherous journey, one that cost him a whole Sever Dollars he shall never see again but was wise enough to employ seeing as he has a work discount for movie tickets! All he returned from this journey with were memories. Nay nightmares. All he spoke of that haunted him….
Blue Penis.
That is right ladies and gentlemen. The Watchman movie didn’t just suck dick. It blew it. And a lot of it. Let me Paint a picture for you. The Watchmen is a short 12 comic book series which has been in the works for a movie for YEARS, with a large legal battle between Warner Bros and Fox, and finally it got made, yes finally! Even through the legal battle, even through the writer walking out on the set. What?! What you say, the writer walked away? They SAY he walked away, even though they were trying to make it as close as possible to the original story. So I have two things to say to that. Either that is a bold faced lie, or the writer was in fact a sock. A tube sock by preference. But I think the first option is more likely.
This movie is terrible, and coming from someone who has watched many movies, knows how to write them, understand them, and tear them apart, yet still has such incredibly low standards as to own the Transformers Movie, (NO, not the live action, the animated one with Weird Al Yankovitch songs!) I say this. The Watchmen was a TERRIBLE movie. I fell asleep for a part of it where it just began to narrate itself at length. I have only one way to describe the movie.
Soft Core Porn. No wait! Think about it. It had lame and frankly retarded sex, and all the rest was filled with absurd and out and out moronic plot and freaking ridiculously bad acting. WOW! It really IS a soft-core porn. And I paid SEVEN DOLLARS for this. And I am glad I only paid seven dollars, otherwise it would have cost me much much much more to have seen this film. Why you ask? Doesn’t it cost something like fourteen dollars normal, maybe a little popcorn on the side? Well, yes and no. For a normal movie that doesn’t suck, perhaps, but for this movie the costs rack up. If I had had to spend more than 7 dollars this is how it would have played out.
Step 1: Buy tickets for 14$
Step 2: Watch absolutely horrible movie, hate life a little bit, hate the movie a whole lot bit, hate the person to my right somewhere in between cause they are talking on their phone out of boredom, and hate the popcorn because it is cold.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for 500$
Steps 4-whatever: Taxi to the airport ($50), get on plane, fly to California. Pay off someone to tell me where to find the writer of the show. ($300 bribe). Track him down. Slap him. ($100 Assume hotel fees). Go to producing studio ($30 taxi). Remember I needed something. ($30 taxi to hardware store) Buy a shovel (Cause I like to save money you will see. $20) Back to studio ($30) Locate producers, and kill them with shovel. If possible take out the actors. Bury bodies (multi-tasker!) Spend a little bit to fake an alias ($700 for someone to say I was with them) and get off scott free. ($500 dollars home. $300 dollars therapy against blue penis shock).
Quite the expensive movie in reality. Holy crap it made me annoyed. Now some may state that I leave no specifics. Well here are some.
This movie was terrible because the main character is NO ONE. They never settle on someone to follow but instead drift between 3-4 people without ever developing their characters beyond one of them being able to DO the other one when some internal conflict is overcome by beating the hell out of some ninjas. (I think this is what happened, though in all honesty I know they were Asian and I probably was bored by this point and my imagination kicked in to save my sanity). But as I was saying, no one developed AT ALL. Then at the end, it is one of those really gay “ha-ha, got you, I as the maker of this movie am soooo much more clever than you, and you never saw this coming (though I did cause it is retarded) and on top of that I’m going to quite pointlessly kill a main character because I like to be Indi (i.e. Indi film where you do something to “make your mark” which I have never understood when you should be making the movie no SUCK) and then end the movie without resolving anything worth your time and money.
Yes, well. Poop. I wish I had walked out, but sadly it came to me to do so during the both incredibly boring, and INCREDIBLY dumb sex scene, and I opted to not look like a prude, even though I simply have good taste. On reflection I should have walked out during the sex scene to a cry of “They’re doing it all wrong!” or “They’re faking it!” or “The review said there was a donkey in this!” or “Horrible amounts of vomiting!” though that last one would be more of a verb than a noun.
How else can I both justify the pain this movie causes and convince other to not view it. It begins in a way that actually wasn’t too bad, with a back-story montage that fills you in (so I thought) and gets you interested. However, they then proceed to flashback about, oh, one billion times for no apparent reason other than to pull the “ah ha aren’t I clever you never suspected THIS flashback (which I did because whoever thought it WOULD be clever was an idiot)”. And so not only do you get a little lost, you stop caring completely to the point that when the end of the movie and climax comes around (the end of the movie climax, not the sexual one, cause that was just disturbing as crap) that you A) don’t know which character is who, B) don’t care if ANYONE dies, C) Know for a fact you have wasted your money, and D) Are now very frightened of the blue penis.
And yes, there is a big ol’ scary blue penis that makes a debut about 20 times in this movie. The only saving grace to this fact is that when the character due to super powers grows to 1000 times his normal size he somehow magically has a blackout bar on his penis. Apparently a 20 foot tall penis would be just “too much” to handle. Yes, this movie is rated R (for which I had to show my ID for some strange reason) and all because of blue penis. And I don’t know whose idea it was, or who wanted to rock it out to such a retarded degree, but when the scene shows the blue dude rocking out the blue penis on an empty plane, and the vantage point pans out quickly, and the special effects start to fuzz in everything cause they are lazy and it saves money to not require the detail of everything across the plain and characters as it zooms out at an alarming speed, for some reason, for some WEIRD reason, the rockin out blue penis stays 100% in focus even though the rest of the screen goes fuzzy. So F-in creepy, so F-in weird.
So. In conclusion. If you want to spend money to watch what boils down to a 3 hour soft core porn, that is badly acted, badly done, and frankly about as boring a watching a really old person try to blow out candles (which might be fun in reality, but pretend the old person is in a coma shall we), then this movie might just be for you. But if you have any standards at all, or even if you merely like to be able to stay awake during a movie please realize. The only thing worth watching in this movie might actually BE the blue penis. Yes. THAT bad. THAT much penis.
THAT much a waist of brainpower.
Not go and watch something good.
Over and out!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
TV you have let me down like a skydiver without a shute.
Well, I think I am done watching TV. Yep. All of it. I mean, TV has been backsliding for awhile now, and people have said, “Oh, well it was the writers strike” or “oh it was the fear of an actors guild strike”, but none of that makes any sense to me. Why? Cause they are over now, and television shows suck MORE THAN EVER! I mean, back in the 80s and 90s TV wasn’t great, but it was enjoyable. You had sitcoms like Step by Step and Full House that while not being the epitome of realistic TV were GOOD because they weren’t supposed to be realistic. TV ISN’T supposed to be realistic, that is what people forget. What makes them enjoyable is that they are in and of themselves a television show, and not a window into some realistic world. But aside from that, TV now SUCKS. The writing is frankly, absolutely F-ing Retarded. I mean WOW. Like, I am actually negatively impressed. That’s right, I have inverted admiration and awe for the writing skill used in shows like Heroes, or Grey's Anatomy, and Desperate Housewives and House. Negative awe, for those of you just joining the show is where I watch something, realize that not only could I do better, I could do better A) Asleep, B) while in a coma, and C) with a pencil held in my mouth. I mean SERIOUSLY! Now let us explain WHY TV sucks.
I used to watch a lot more TV, and I am one to Enjoy TV. But I no longer do, at ALL. I have given up on the following shows over the past few months as they slid downhill into the valley of utterly ballistically dumb. (I imagine a Dunce Cap fired out of a cannon with this phrasing). My current TV shit list: Grey's Anatomy – I started watching this a year or so ago with friends and found I rather enjoyed it, though it was a bit girlish, but now it has been tossed on the fire. Why? I think the episode where everyone had sex with each other in a conga line fashion to cover up the complete lack of plot did it for me. Oh wait, that has been every episode for the past year. Oh, and when they brought a deer into the hospital to bring it back to life helped put me over the edge. This show is re-stupid, and I could go into more detail, but there are so many more to throw loathing at. Desperate Housewives: Much the same grievances as Grey’s Anatomy (which in and of itself is the worse pun on a title ever). But D-Housewives (I abbreviate cause it is a long and dumb title) got retarded also, and they actually tried to cover their tracks for bad writing by in between seasons Fast Forwarding 5 YEARS. Well, talk about tossing it all out and restarting. I still don’t watch it but I salute your moxy. Ugly Betty. This show has also gotten terrible. And to justify why I think it is terrible, and to show I know what I am talking about and not just rambling I will enter in some specifics. This was a show about one (Ugly) young girl chasing her dream of getting into the Magazine industry in New York City. It followed her as a main character that had ups and downs, loves and woes, and a family who supported her. I no longer watch this show because of several reasons. 1) The writers are taking the approach of only writing ahead one or two episodes. This means that the plot elements they are entering in are not thought out about how they will affect the plot later on. Two of the main characters recently fell in love with two other characters. Now I feel they have tired of this (fairly major) thread, and suddenly in one episode one love interest character buggers off to another country with rambling excuses about pent up anger and resentment that were NEVER HINTED AT BEFORE (note, a complete lack of foreshadowing of personal involvement or motivation is a KEY sign of a shitty show), and the other love interest character, like F-ing Magic, suddenly has Cancer, and might I add for a SECOND time, of which the first we had NEVER heard of (pretty big thing to gloss over huh?) and has disappeared. Well, way to cover your crap-tastic writing by Killing Off the characters. Bravo, I would have never thought to do that, especially when I watch such a well written show as Heroes, oh wait, my bad, that is EXACTLY what they did too.
Heroes is another one, that while I still watch it, I play my Nintendo DS (Nintendo DS Plug: Best game system ever, with a load time of 10 seconds for any game so you are never kept waiting, great for when you are stuck at the mall shopping with the person who gave you the DS so you “owe them one” but want to not pay attention so you can pull this out and play games and then BOTH can have a good time. Warning: While you can operate yourself and heavy machinery while playing the DS, if you try to follow your significant other around the store using your peripheral vision, make sure that they are NOT wearing the same outfit as someone else in the store whom you might follow out to their car accidentally, or, in a worst case scenario, a mannequin.)
But yes, Heroes is another show that makes me want to slam the toilet seat down on my Penis. It is one HORRIBLE show. I mean, I LOVED the first season, and would metaphorically race home from school to sit in front of the TV with my action figures while it played on Dads brand new Picture Box. But then the next season came around where the writing got, frankly, belligerently retarded. So much so that I heard they fired a couple of the writers, and brought back some of season 1 writers to de-dumbify the show. Reason being, Season 2 changed who all the characters were, making them suffer foolish and irrational personality changes and their actions of judgment were, frankly, either non-existent, or so erratic that they should all have been put in a “Home” long ago. For those who know the show I will point out some flaws: Sylar turned good, then bad, then good, then bad like some sort of Super Powered but utterly idiotic, yo-yo. They introduced the “Veronica Mars” character, who in my opinion had not a serious acting bone in her body that worked for this show. She is okay in other stuff, but in this show comes across as just a bad actor. And there was some half-ass love story referencing flashbacks that had no relevance and had not been alluded to in the past, so basically a big waste of time. Aaaand they killed her off when the realized what a bad idea it was. And they did much the same with other characters. One semi-useless character from season 1 they had the gumption, not only to kill off, but to replace with, dun dun dun…. HERSELF! Yea, apparently there was something to do with secret triplets or some crap. Yea. Dumb. And there were unexplained usages of powers by people already dead, who were illusions created by other characters, but that doesn’t make sense that an illusion would have the powers of the real person who I must remind you is DEAD, but I think the writers believed we wouldn’t notice, or just didn’t care as they rolled around on their mattress full of money. I mean this show is now BAD. And I thought third season might be better? Nope. Still dumb. But nothing good is on, so I keep watching with my good ol DS.
THAT has become my standard for watching television and movies. If I can NOT watch the TV and play a riveting game of Mario 64 DS because I will miss aspects of plot and intrigue, then it might be a good show. To date I play my DS while watching everything, cause it is the only way that I can use up all that free brain power that is left spinning because what I am watching is so BAD and requires such a clocking Down of brainpower to make watching it and not vomiting even feasible. That’s right, if I didn’t play my DS while watching bad TV I would throw up on myself, THAT is how bad TV is today.
BUT! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well two lights to be specific, though they are, Thankfully, not the lights of oncoming traffic as far as I know.
Light 1) British TV. I have really gotten into obtaining and watching British TV. For one strong example (and yes I am a guy who likes my Sci-Fi) the show Dr. Who. Rocks my socks off, well written, Amusing, and in general a show where I run home and curl up in front of the TV with my action figures again. The show is pleasant because of the following: Each season has what I like to call an End Game. Meaning, that I can know for certain that in the last 2-3 episodes there will be a climax of phenomenal proportions that will build on and utilize many features and aspects not only of the whole season, but of references from previous seasons. Hence, it will be pleasing, and well written. Additionally there are “feel good” episodes throughout the season where nothing in particular happens to move the plot forward, but it takes a proverbial break where you get to enjoy the main characters doing something new and creative. GOOD show. GREAT show. And so I am getting more British shows cause they, frankly, have not let me down.
Light 1.5) Yes I say 1.5 cause I forgot to mention it above. ANYWAY. I like older shows. Half the fun with a show that has run its course is watching it. Perhaps TV right now is so UDDERLY atrocious, (and yes I said Udderly, cause it is so bad it is like staring at the underside of a cow), that it presses us to buy past seasons of DVDs. Or maybe they just get paid too much to write shitty, I don’t know (of course I know, but I’ll get into that in a bit). But like I was saying, I have been obtaining older shows and ROCKING THEM OUT. Cause I love to watch old seasons of stuff, such as the Sci-Fi channel hit SG-1 starring (and you may have THOUGHT I was nerdy with this choice until I say)….. Richard Dean ANDERSON! That’s right, you thought Doogie Howser had a comeback with How I Met Your Mother (a great show also, but is ALSO suffering from declining writing. Hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, so still watchable but I am saying to them SHAPE UP or ship out!) then you should check out MacGuyver now saving the World, One Day at a Time. Tis a good show, and ten seasons of fun (though the last two don’t have Mr. Anderson *small tear (Poor Guy is sick, but hasn’t lost any of his Awesome)) but still a good show to the end with spinoff worthiness and everything. Where was I? Oh well, there are many good shows that it is fun to go back and watch. Supernatural is another amusing one that is still on but on hiatus. (Story about two brothers hunting demons and ghosts) Tis fun. But I digress, there are many shows that are either done or have a lot of back-story up till the current episodes that would be fun to watch. Lost is another fun one, though the writing is so all over the place that it is hard to follow. I think this might actually be the most BRILLIANT method of commercialization if I am correct. Lost: Good show, BUT, hard as F to follow. Theory: You create a show that has EXTREME linearity. IE. Each episode if frankly impossible to follow without seeing the previous one. Theory part 2: There will be Many MANY references to stuff that will go forward and backwards in the story line (i.e. Like I said about forshadowing, and such. A great show will do good foreshadowing. Lost does it on a ridiculous level with hints and twinges back and forth. ) Hence you will REALLY want to watch it more than once to get these references. Theory Part 3: (I really hate it when I have to stop writing cause I get on or off the train or have to race people Olympic style to my car. Lets see where was I…) It has to be well done. As does any show, or so I thought before I saw all the crap on TV now. So BASICALLY, you end up with a show that you want to watch again because of all the references, and yet it is very linear so you have to watch ALL of it again, not just your favorite season. Hence DVD Sales! Yep, I honestly think Lost is confusing as crap yet addictive because they thought far ahead enough to basically Guarantee DVD sales, as long as they keep their shit together. Only down side is the decade or two between when they air the stinkin episodes.
And Light 3) Cartoons. What? What was that you say? Yes, cartoons. I mean, there are all kinds of shows out there now, many of which I feel people “love” but just because they don’t know that they are settling. I’ve watched Flight of the Concords and Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and while I may laugh occasionally, it is OCCASIONALLY. There are cartoons American and foreign that I watch where I actually have to pause the show until I stop laughing because A) it is THAT funny, and B) I don’t want to miss anything cause what I might miss will most likely be RELEVENT (i.e. It sticks to the plot and rocks out) I LOVE cartoons. If I could do anything it would be make cartoons I think. I have shows in my noodle for shows and movies I would love to make, and I enjoy them in my head too. But needless to say, I feel cartoons are quite possibly the epitome of television. What? Baffled?! Why you ask? It is simple, because the people who write for cartoons have to be SMART, and not just smart, but clever smart. I may have mentioned this in a previous blog, but with a cartoon you are writing it for the kid, and for the adults who don’t suck and watch TV with their kids. But they have to be entertained without giving any inappropriate stuff to the kid too. So like I said, Clever! They recently remade Ninja Turtles, and He-Man, both PHENOMINALLY. The writing that went behind it was amazing. And the same is with many other cartoons. And while some are very kiddish and some are frankly just BAD, I find the ratio of Super Retarded to Awesome to be in the favor of Awesome unlike regular TV, which suffers the plague of Reality TV. Now this segues, and I don’t mean that little thing cops chase down criminals on, (which has always seemed odd to me. Are we breeding a race of policemen who can only move on sidewalks?) to my next topic… if I can remember what it is after that rant. Oh yes!
I would wager if I asked California why there was crappy writing on TV I would get 2 answers. 1) Reality TV is stealing all the money and there is none left to make regular fictional TV awesome. And 2) Some people may say that the quality of programming is declining because of the state of the economy. I only have one thing to say. Fuck… That. Okay, really? REALLY? These are your reasons? I mean there is SO MUCH MONEY in TV, the only reason I can see a lack of funds effecting TV is because they have to hire people for less $$ out of their pool of writers. But if you went outside your pool of “LA favorites” you could get amazing writers for NOTHING. Have you SEEN Indi films? And while I do not like Indi films because they are often quite over dramatic and sappy, they are written very well. Hire one of them! To say that a lack of funds either by reason 1 or 2 is causing craptastic writing is just, as my mom would say, Malarki. Not sure what this means, or why mom says it, but to each their own. And it isn’t just LA. I mean HBO shows suck. A LOT. Have you ever watched the show Weeds? Interesting concept, about a mother selling pot to make money after her husband dies, and I watched it with mild amusement, but by the time we hit season 3 I am punching myself in the crotch as a form of entertainment better than watching that “Malarki”. I would love to describe how the basis of who the characters are changes so dramatically so that what comes out of season 2 is not what went in AT ALL in season 1, without any realistic transition in character development. I would love to say how they splice and chop plotlines, making stuff up on the fly, causing situations just to “get something done” with zero rational, and when we discover how crappy what we are watching is getting they pummel us with sex scene after sex scene as though that will throw us off. I would love to say how they believe their approach to “risqué” topics such as homosexuality, and marital cheating, and polygamy makes their programming edgy and out there and artistic, but in reality it doesn’t “Do” anything for the show except make them try to work with topics and still suck at writing them. I would love to say how they take ideas that possess real potential, like modern day vampires in a modern day accepting of vampire society show “Trueblood” and cast it with the biggest bunch of retards and bad actors I have ever seen, and then deciding that they haven’t ruined it enough, make the writing so bad that they simply make certain characters disappear. No, not written out. Disappear, cause they honestly seem to have forgotten they were part of the cast, and by the time they remembered they must have though, Meh.
Oh television. You make me so, so sad. I am going to the store later to look at video games and board games, and nay even some old tapes of radio shows to take me back to the good old days when programming wasn’t terrible and people’s standards hadn’t slipped because the programming had evolved to crap or Reality TV had stolen their souls. And YES, reality TV STEALS YOUR SOUL. Can you honestly say that someone who watches a show where people bitch the whole time about life, suck at life, and get paid for being as retarded as they are, still has a soul left after watching the program?? I mean some are acceptable, but only the game show ones in my opinion (Rock out Double Dare! Good old Nickelodeon and getting slimed. Why is there no more sliming? I think 80’s was the decade of slime. Nickelodeon, Ghost busters, and more). But if you are watching people A) Be stupid on TV because they either ARE or merely are ACTING so for money (any of the living together shows), B) Watching people chase their dream in a retarded way instead of getting out there and actually trying at LIFE (American Idol), C) Watching People who are slutting it up at each other for money and fame (any bachelorette/bachelor or hook up, make out, make up, make over, make make, and make poo show)… then you are severely lacking in the Soul department, and may you live one day to wake up from this trance where TV has taken your standards of amusement and pummeled them into oblivion.
And they thought Plasma TV’s would save them. Fools! It has merely made a 1080i HD resolution of their tomfoolery!
Like Magic! Fin!
PS: Sweet Patent of the week:
You know, I really am finding my job amusing: Interpersonal Pursuit Method: http://www.google.com/patents?id=DMGnAAAAEBAJ&dq=11/502049
I used to watch a lot more TV, and I am one to Enjoy TV. But I no longer do, at ALL. I have given up on the following shows over the past few months as they slid downhill into the valley of utterly ballistically dumb. (I imagine a Dunce Cap fired out of a cannon with this phrasing). My current TV shit list: Grey's Anatomy – I started watching this a year or so ago with friends and found I rather enjoyed it, though it was a bit girlish, but now it has been tossed on the fire. Why? I think the episode where everyone had sex with each other in a conga line fashion to cover up the complete lack of plot did it for me. Oh wait, that has been every episode for the past year. Oh, and when they brought a deer into the hospital to bring it back to life helped put me over the edge. This show is re-stupid, and I could go into more detail, but there are so many more to throw loathing at. Desperate Housewives: Much the same grievances as Grey’s Anatomy (which in and of itself is the worse pun on a title ever). But D-Housewives (I abbreviate cause it is a long and dumb title) got retarded also, and they actually tried to cover their tracks for bad writing by in between seasons Fast Forwarding 5 YEARS. Well, talk about tossing it all out and restarting. I still don’t watch it but I salute your moxy. Ugly Betty. This show has also gotten terrible. And to justify why I think it is terrible, and to show I know what I am talking about and not just rambling I will enter in some specifics. This was a show about one (Ugly) young girl chasing her dream of getting into the Magazine industry in New York City. It followed her as a main character that had ups and downs, loves and woes, and a family who supported her. I no longer watch this show because of several reasons. 1) The writers are taking the approach of only writing ahead one or two episodes. This means that the plot elements they are entering in are not thought out about how they will affect the plot later on. Two of the main characters recently fell in love with two other characters. Now I feel they have tired of this (fairly major) thread, and suddenly in one episode one love interest character buggers off to another country with rambling excuses about pent up anger and resentment that were NEVER HINTED AT BEFORE (note, a complete lack of foreshadowing of personal involvement or motivation is a KEY sign of a shitty show), and the other love interest character, like F-ing Magic, suddenly has Cancer, and might I add for a SECOND time, of which the first we had NEVER heard of (pretty big thing to gloss over huh?) and has disappeared. Well, way to cover your crap-tastic writing by Killing Off the characters. Bravo, I would have never thought to do that, especially when I watch such a well written show as Heroes, oh wait, my bad, that is EXACTLY what they did too.
Heroes is another one, that while I still watch it, I play my Nintendo DS (Nintendo DS Plug: Best game system ever, with a load time of 10 seconds for any game so you are never kept waiting, great for when you are stuck at the mall shopping with the person who gave you the DS so you “owe them one” but want to not pay attention so you can pull this out and play games and then BOTH can have a good time. Warning: While you can operate yourself and heavy machinery while playing the DS, if you try to follow your significant other around the store using your peripheral vision, make sure that they are NOT wearing the same outfit as someone else in the store whom you might follow out to their car accidentally, or, in a worst case scenario, a mannequin.)
But yes, Heroes is another show that makes me want to slam the toilet seat down on my Penis. It is one HORRIBLE show. I mean, I LOVED the first season, and would metaphorically race home from school to sit in front of the TV with my action figures while it played on Dads brand new Picture Box. But then the next season came around where the writing got, frankly, belligerently retarded. So much so that I heard they fired a couple of the writers, and brought back some of season 1 writers to de-dumbify the show. Reason being, Season 2 changed who all the characters were, making them suffer foolish and irrational personality changes and their actions of judgment were, frankly, either non-existent, or so erratic that they should all have been put in a “Home” long ago. For those who know the show I will point out some flaws: Sylar turned good, then bad, then good, then bad like some sort of Super Powered but utterly idiotic, yo-yo. They introduced the “Veronica Mars” character, who in my opinion had not a serious acting bone in her body that worked for this show. She is okay in other stuff, but in this show comes across as just a bad actor. And there was some half-ass love story referencing flashbacks that had no relevance and had not been alluded to in the past, so basically a big waste of time. Aaaand they killed her off when the realized what a bad idea it was. And they did much the same with other characters. One semi-useless character from season 1 they had the gumption, not only to kill off, but to replace with, dun dun dun…. HERSELF! Yea, apparently there was something to do with secret triplets or some crap. Yea. Dumb. And there were unexplained usages of powers by people already dead, who were illusions created by other characters, but that doesn’t make sense that an illusion would have the powers of the real person who I must remind you is DEAD, but I think the writers believed we wouldn’t notice, or just didn’t care as they rolled around on their mattress full of money. I mean this show is now BAD. And I thought third season might be better? Nope. Still dumb. But nothing good is on, so I keep watching with my good ol DS.
THAT has become my standard for watching television and movies. If I can NOT watch the TV and play a riveting game of Mario 64 DS because I will miss aspects of plot and intrigue, then it might be a good show. To date I play my DS while watching everything, cause it is the only way that I can use up all that free brain power that is left spinning because what I am watching is so BAD and requires such a clocking Down of brainpower to make watching it and not vomiting even feasible. That’s right, if I didn’t play my DS while watching bad TV I would throw up on myself, THAT is how bad TV is today.
BUT! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well two lights to be specific, though they are, Thankfully, not the lights of oncoming traffic as far as I know.
Light 1) British TV. I have really gotten into obtaining and watching British TV. For one strong example (and yes I am a guy who likes my Sci-Fi) the show Dr. Who. Rocks my socks off, well written, Amusing, and in general a show where I run home and curl up in front of the TV with my action figures again. The show is pleasant because of the following: Each season has what I like to call an End Game. Meaning, that I can know for certain that in the last 2-3 episodes there will be a climax of phenomenal proportions that will build on and utilize many features and aspects not only of the whole season, but of references from previous seasons. Hence, it will be pleasing, and well written. Additionally there are “feel good” episodes throughout the season where nothing in particular happens to move the plot forward, but it takes a proverbial break where you get to enjoy the main characters doing something new and creative. GOOD show. GREAT show. And so I am getting more British shows cause they, frankly, have not let me down.
Light 1.5) Yes I say 1.5 cause I forgot to mention it above. ANYWAY. I like older shows. Half the fun with a show that has run its course is watching it. Perhaps TV right now is so UDDERLY atrocious, (and yes I said Udderly, cause it is so bad it is like staring at the underside of a cow), that it presses us to buy past seasons of DVDs. Or maybe they just get paid too much to write shitty, I don’t know (of course I know, but I’ll get into that in a bit). But like I was saying, I have been obtaining older shows and ROCKING THEM OUT. Cause I love to watch old seasons of stuff, such as the Sci-Fi channel hit SG-1 starring (and you may have THOUGHT I was nerdy with this choice until I say)….. Richard Dean ANDERSON! That’s right, you thought Doogie Howser had a comeback with How I Met Your Mother (a great show also, but is ALSO suffering from declining writing. Hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, so still watchable but I am saying to them SHAPE UP or ship out!) then you should check out MacGuyver now saving the World, One Day at a Time. Tis a good show, and ten seasons of fun (though the last two don’t have Mr. Anderson *small tear (Poor Guy is sick, but hasn’t lost any of his Awesome)) but still a good show to the end with spinoff worthiness and everything. Where was I? Oh well, there are many good shows that it is fun to go back and watch. Supernatural is another amusing one that is still on but on hiatus. (Story about two brothers hunting demons and ghosts) Tis fun. But I digress, there are many shows that are either done or have a lot of back-story up till the current episodes that would be fun to watch. Lost is another fun one, though the writing is so all over the place that it is hard to follow. I think this might actually be the most BRILLIANT method of commercialization if I am correct. Lost: Good show, BUT, hard as F to follow. Theory: You create a show that has EXTREME linearity. IE. Each episode if frankly impossible to follow without seeing the previous one. Theory part 2: There will be Many MANY references to stuff that will go forward and backwards in the story line (i.e. Like I said about forshadowing, and such. A great show will do good foreshadowing. Lost does it on a ridiculous level with hints and twinges back and forth. ) Hence you will REALLY want to watch it more than once to get these references. Theory Part 3: (I really hate it when I have to stop writing cause I get on or off the train or have to race people Olympic style to my car. Lets see where was I…) It has to be well done. As does any show, or so I thought before I saw all the crap on TV now. So BASICALLY, you end up with a show that you want to watch again because of all the references, and yet it is very linear so you have to watch ALL of it again, not just your favorite season. Hence DVD Sales! Yep, I honestly think Lost is confusing as crap yet addictive because they thought far ahead enough to basically Guarantee DVD sales, as long as they keep their shit together. Only down side is the decade or two between when they air the stinkin episodes.
And Light 3) Cartoons. What? What was that you say? Yes, cartoons. I mean, there are all kinds of shows out there now, many of which I feel people “love” but just because they don’t know that they are settling. I’ve watched Flight of the Concords and Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and while I may laugh occasionally, it is OCCASIONALLY. There are cartoons American and foreign that I watch where I actually have to pause the show until I stop laughing because A) it is THAT funny, and B) I don’t want to miss anything cause what I might miss will most likely be RELEVENT (i.e. It sticks to the plot and rocks out) I LOVE cartoons. If I could do anything it would be make cartoons I think. I have shows in my noodle for shows and movies I would love to make, and I enjoy them in my head too. But needless to say, I feel cartoons are quite possibly the epitome of television. What? Baffled?! Why you ask? It is simple, because the people who write for cartoons have to be SMART, and not just smart, but clever smart. I may have mentioned this in a previous blog, but with a cartoon you are writing it for the kid, and for the adults who don’t suck and watch TV with their kids. But they have to be entertained without giving any inappropriate stuff to the kid too. So like I said, Clever! They recently remade Ninja Turtles, and He-Man, both PHENOMINALLY. The writing that went behind it was amazing. And the same is with many other cartoons. And while some are very kiddish and some are frankly just BAD, I find the ratio of Super Retarded to Awesome to be in the favor of Awesome unlike regular TV, which suffers the plague of Reality TV. Now this segues, and I don’t mean that little thing cops chase down criminals on, (which has always seemed odd to me. Are we breeding a race of policemen who can only move on sidewalks?) to my next topic… if I can remember what it is after that rant. Oh yes!
I would wager if I asked California why there was crappy writing on TV I would get 2 answers. 1) Reality TV is stealing all the money and there is none left to make regular fictional TV awesome. And 2) Some people may say that the quality of programming is declining because of the state of the economy. I only have one thing to say. Fuck… That. Okay, really? REALLY? These are your reasons? I mean there is SO MUCH MONEY in TV, the only reason I can see a lack of funds effecting TV is because they have to hire people for less $$ out of their pool of writers. But if you went outside your pool of “LA favorites” you could get amazing writers for NOTHING. Have you SEEN Indi films? And while I do not like Indi films because they are often quite over dramatic and sappy, they are written very well. Hire one of them! To say that a lack of funds either by reason 1 or 2 is causing craptastic writing is just, as my mom would say, Malarki. Not sure what this means, or why mom says it, but to each their own. And it isn’t just LA. I mean HBO shows suck. A LOT. Have you ever watched the show Weeds? Interesting concept, about a mother selling pot to make money after her husband dies, and I watched it with mild amusement, but by the time we hit season 3 I am punching myself in the crotch as a form of entertainment better than watching that “Malarki”. I would love to describe how the basis of who the characters are changes so dramatically so that what comes out of season 2 is not what went in AT ALL in season 1, without any realistic transition in character development. I would love to say how they splice and chop plotlines, making stuff up on the fly, causing situations just to “get something done” with zero rational, and when we discover how crappy what we are watching is getting they pummel us with sex scene after sex scene as though that will throw us off. I would love to say how they believe their approach to “risqué” topics such as homosexuality, and marital cheating, and polygamy makes their programming edgy and out there and artistic, but in reality it doesn’t “Do” anything for the show except make them try to work with topics and still suck at writing them. I would love to say how they take ideas that possess real potential, like modern day vampires in a modern day accepting of vampire society show “Trueblood” and cast it with the biggest bunch of retards and bad actors I have ever seen, and then deciding that they haven’t ruined it enough, make the writing so bad that they simply make certain characters disappear. No, not written out. Disappear, cause they honestly seem to have forgotten they were part of the cast, and by the time they remembered they must have though, Meh.
Oh television. You make me so, so sad. I am going to the store later to look at video games and board games, and nay even some old tapes of radio shows to take me back to the good old days when programming wasn’t terrible and people’s standards hadn’t slipped because the programming had evolved to crap or Reality TV had stolen their souls. And YES, reality TV STEALS YOUR SOUL. Can you honestly say that someone who watches a show where people bitch the whole time about life, suck at life, and get paid for being as retarded as they are, still has a soul left after watching the program?? I mean some are acceptable, but only the game show ones in my opinion (Rock out Double Dare! Good old Nickelodeon and getting slimed. Why is there no more sliming? I think 80’s was the decade of slime. Nickelodeon, Ghost busters, and more). But if you are watching people A) Be stupid on TV because they either ARE or merely are ACTING so for money (any of the living together shows), B) Watching people chase their dream in a retarded way instead of getting out there and actually trying at LIFE (American Idol), C) Watching People who are slutting it up at each other for money and fame (any bachelorette/bachelor or hook up, make out, make up, make over, make make, and make poo show)… then you are severely lacking in the Soul department, and may you live one day to wake up from this trance where TV has taken your standards of amusement and pummeled them into oblivion.
And they thought Plasma TV’s would save them. Fools! It has merely made a 1080i HD resolution of their tomfoolery!
Like Magic! Fin!
PS: Sweet Patent of the week:
You know, I really am finding my job amusing: Interpersonal Pursuit Method: http://www.goog
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The RUN.....
I really do need to work on my timing. I hate how I let my blogs laps and then can’t recall when it was I have already written. Well, tis been a busy couple of weeks so I shall try to summarize effectively. Work is going well, we have moved on from Kindergarten style drawing and team building to learning about laws and patents and all the other good bits that make up the organization. Little intimidating, especially since so many people there are rocking PhDs and multiple masters and have the ability to lift stuff with their mind and here I ma rocking out a degree in film. HA! But I am holding my own. So all in all the job is good, got paid, always a pleasing thing to see more money in your bank account than you started with. But the commute. Oh… well, there I may have a couple more issues.
Aside from the fact that the train has broken down and we had to be pushed to the next stop like some sort of railroad ferry, it hasn’t had too many spontaneous troubles. But something I’ve come to notice, and sadly, partake in, is the run. Yes… the RUN. Let me set the stage for you. I arrive in the morning, a little on the early side so as to get a decent spot to park, then wander over to the train, validate my ticket and board. Nothing too messy, and I often get a seat on the second floor of the train with a view. Pleasant all around minus the fact that at 5:15 in the morning my breath crystallizes on the air. But on the way back…. I will board the train, and if lucky get a seat. Sometimes, as I did last day, I had to hike through EVERY CAR. This was because any conductor seeing me, and no not the one who waves around a little stick with an orchestra behind him, which I admit would be pleasant and would also accurately explain the lack of seating, but no, the kind who tells you you can’t stand on the train, would see me and “inform me” and I say it with quotes because it was a damned lie, that there were seats in the front car. Now THAT was a long sentence. But anyway, I would nod, and then hike HIKE across 10 cars to the front car, falling on people as I go because, well it IS a train. And then not find a seat. So sad. But anyway, we will say I managed to squeeze in on a seat somewhere. Now I pull out my laptop and watch a show (pleasing situation, albeit a little weird when I feel like people next to me only ever happen to glance over when there is a sex scene or little cartoon characters dying or something equally in need of explanation). But then about 15 minutes out from my stop, a person will get up and stand next to the train door. Then another. About this time I get the hint and go stand too. And everyone “tightens down”, meaning they zip up coats, tighten belts, harness weapons, and grip keyboards tightly. Then the train pulls into the stop, with the gears of the brakes a twangin. You can feel the suspense, the tension. Then the doors open…. And the RUN happens. Now I think the easiest way to explain this is in two parts. Part 1) There is only 1 exit from the parking lot, and it goes to a traffic light, so in essence it is VERY easy to get stuck getting out onto the main road. And Part 2) Have you ever seen the intro to the Drew Carry show where everyone is running through the streets flailing and panicking? Yea, it’s kind of like that. The doors open and everyone takes that one step off the train and GOES. I have never seen so many middle-aged men and women get all their exercise for the day in one go. I mean there are a couple who just I would assume, don’t want to go home so they walk EXTRA slow, and so the rest are ducking and weaving around them to get down the platform but when they hit that open parking lot they are just a blur of speed and a dot on the horizon running to their cars, leaping in, slamming the door and peeling out. And this isn’t just a couple people, this is EVERYONE. And on occasion I have had to park out on the street when the lot has been REALLY full, but the problem with this is that there is no way to get out into traffic on the street while everyone is piling out of the parking lot, so on those rare occasions where I have had to park there I had to HAUL ASS. I would run, be sweating and speed up to my door, while glancing behind me to see the first car coming around the corner that would block me in, and horror movie style trying to get the key into the lock, and then leaping in and peeling out with many a fearful glance at the monsters behind me. It is ridiculous, and retarded. And so that is the more… unusual part of my day every day.
But other than that life has been good. Got to go “skiing” and then later skiing. “Skiing” being where I went snowshoeing and Snowshoe resort and when I say Snowshoeing I mean we asked the people working AT-SNOWSHOE-RESORT and they said they did not do any Snowshoeing there. Riiiight. Well, we decided they were retarded and went and found the train anyway and hiked it through deep snow Eskimo style. So, Boo Snowshoe resort because they don’t even know what they have for stuff. We also tried tubing there and it was very not good at all. You would slide a good ten feet then stop because they had turned off the snow makers about 3 weeks before. This is January mind you. Bravo Snowshoe, bravo.
But then last weekend we went to Wisp snow resort in MD. And while I have Maryland with a burning passion of a thousand suns I am willing to grant that there may be a small oasis for the wandering adventurer in that wasteland, called Wisp Ski Resort. They had their shit together and while it was the most crowded weekend of the year for some competitiony thing, they rocked out and were easy and fun to use. Got to ski for real, and I don’t horribly suck. Only ate it a few times. Taught the wife to ski, and she got good quick. But I would like to sum up the one flaw of that weekend as follows:
Ski Rental: $50
Lift Ticket: $45
Ski Lessons: $10
Running over a bunch of retarded snowboarders who whenever they fall down feel obligated to make snow angels in the middle of the slope: Priceless.
Yes, I don’t know why, but every snowboarder feels obligated to ritualistically sit down in the middle of the track for about a half an hour at a go. A few skiers too, but man, there were lot of people just, sittin on the slopes. I was watching the black diamond trails from the ski lift and watching snow boarders chugging along, stop, and sit down in the middle to hang. And this is a black diamond, aka one of these \ and sometimes one of these | and people would fly at them and have to fly into the trees to avoid. So odd.
But all in all a good weekend, but now I have a cold as I work my 9 hour days, yes 9 hours. We have a 9-9-9-9-8 / 9-9-9-9-off bi-week for some reason so basically I work long hours then suffer alone every other Friday cause I have nothing to do. Oh well. So with my sniffles I blog. I wish I had more to discuss, and I am sure I do. Let us select something from the blog bag shall we!
HA! This was something I came up with I thought I would mention:
“Yep, that’s what I do when I find someone injured or stabbed or whatever. I either yell at them, or scream for no real apparent reason.” Oh TV how you portray us.
Ooh, here was an interesting idea. Objective, create a crack team of people to complete missions of the utmost difficulty and danger, comprised solely… of real life people from television. Now this can be actors, or reality TV people. Who do you pick?
Here is my selection:
Recruit Number 1: Mr. Wizard
Placement: Science and Arson
Reason for choice: We need someone who knows the ins and outs of the chemical world, who can assist the team in a scientific capacity and aid in any way possible.
Recruit Number 2: Mr. Rodgers (Deceased)
Placement: Military expertise and infiltration expert.
Mr. Rodgers the man was a Green Beret and hence one of the most deadly men on the screen. Additionally he can infiltrate any locale using his skills at acting and his excessively likeable and calm persona. But, you may ask, isn’t he dead? Well, that is what Mr. Wizard is for. Say hello to Zombie Mr. Rodgers.
Recruit Number 3: 2005 Winning Team of the Robot Fighting Competition.
Placement: Science and research and armament.
Reason for choice: They build great big fighting robots. Need I explain further?
Recruit Number 4: Crocodile Hunter (Deceased)
Placement: Animal Handling, and Wilderness Survival
Reason for choice: We needed someone capable of taking the team through the harshest of conditions and surviving on nothing. And while we could employ Mr. Wizard to rejuvenate the Croc Hunter we found it in our best interest to take the Million Dollar Man approach and this employed the Robot Fighting Competition team to rebuild him, bigger, better, faster, and to spend just enough money. He is now Cyborg Crocodile Hunter.
Recruit Number 5: York (Not Born Yet)
Placement: Muscle
Reason for Choice: The yet to be grandchild of Mr. T and Hulk Hogan, this slightly ethnic monstrosity will be brought back in time to be the muscle, nay, they TON of muscle and badassery of the group, with many a witty PG retort to keep the team motivated and on track.
Recruit Number 6: That guy from the chimney sweep song.
Placement: Acting and showmanship.
Reason for choice: As Disney, Guys and Dolls, and any number of Musical Turned Movie has taught us… sometimes certain fights can only be won through song and dance. And so we wanted the best.
And so it is it with this crack team that we defend the world from horrors unknown, battling back the darkness in the sky, but also in peoples hearts. Our team will work without pause to keep this world safe, for they are…. Team SuperAwesome.
And Out!
Aside from the fact that the train has broken down and we had to be pushed to the next stop like some sort of railroad ferry, it hasn’t had too many spontaneous troubles. But something I’ve come to notice, and sadly, partake in, is the run. Yes… the RUN. Let me set the stage for you. I arrive in the morning, a little on the early side so as to get a decent spot to park, then wander over to the train, validate my ticket and board. Nothing too messy, and I often get a seat on the second floor of the train with a view. Pleasant all around minus the fact that at 5:15 in the morning my breath crystallizes on the air. But on the way back…. I will board the train, and if lucky get a seat. Sometimes, as I did last day, I had to hike through EVERY CAR. This was because any conductor seeing me, and no not the one who waves around a little stick with an orchestra behind him, which I admit would be pleasant and would also accurately explain the lack of seating, but no, the kind who tells you you can’t stand on the train, would see me and “inform me” and I say it with quotes because it was a damned lie, that there were seats in the front car. Now THAT was a long sentence. But anyway, I would nod, and then hike HIKE across 10 cars to the front car, falling on people as I go because, well it IS a train. And then not find a seat. So sad. But anyway, we will say I managed to squeeze in on a seat somewhere. Now I pull out my laptop and watch a show (pleasing situation, albeit a little weird when I feel like people next to me only ever happen to glance over when there is a sex scene or little cartoon characters dying or something equally in need of explanation). But then about 15 minutes out from my stop, a person will get up and stand next to the train door. Then another. About this time I get the hint and go stand too. And everyone “tightens down”, meaning they zip up coats, tighten belts, harness weapons, and grip keyboards tightly. Then the train pulls into the stop, with the gears of the brakes a twangin. You can feel the suspense, the tension. Then the doors open…. And the RUN happens. Now I think the easiest way to explain this is in two parts. Part 1) There is only 1 exit from the parking lot, and it goes to a traffic light, so in essence it is VERY easy to get stuck getting out onto the main road. And Part 2) Have you ever seen the intro to the Drew Carry show where everyone is running through the streets flailing and panicking? Yea, it’s kind of like that. The doors open and everyone takes that one step off the train and GOES. I have never seen so many middle-aged men and women get all their exercise for the day in one go. I mean there are a couple who just I would assume, don’t want to go home so they walk EXTRA slow, and so the rest are ducking and weaving around them to get down the platform but when they hit that open parking lot they are just a blur of speed and a dot on the horizon running to their cars, leaping in, slamming the door and peeling out. And this isn’t just a couple people, this is EVERYONE. And on occasion I have had to park out on the street when the lot has been REALLY full, but the problem with this is that there is no way to get out into traffic on the street while everyone is piling out of the parking lot, so on those rare occasions where I have had to park there I had to HAUL ASS. I would run, be sweating and speed up to my door, while glancing behind me to see the first car coming around the corner that would block me in, and horror movie style trying to get the key into the lock, and then leaping in and peeling out with many a fearful glance at the monsters behind me. It is ridiculous, and retarded. And so that is the more… unusual part of my day every day.
But other than that life has been good. Got to go “skiing” and then later skiing. “Skiing” being where I went snowshoeing and Snowshoe resort and when I say Snowshoeing I mean we asked the people working AT-SNOWSHOE-RESORT and they said they did not do any Snowshoeing there. Riiiight. Well, we decided they were retarded and went and found the train anyway and hiked it through deep snow Eskimo style. So, Boo Snowshoe resort because they don’t even know what they have for stuff. We also tried tubing there and it was very not good at all. You would slide a good ten feet then stop because they had turned off the snow makers about 3 weeks before. This is January mind you. Bravo Snowshoe, bravo.
But then last weekend we went to Wisp snow resort in MD. And while I have Maryland with a burning passion of a thousand suns I am willing to grant that there may be a small oasis for the wandering adventurer in that wasteland, called Wisp Ski Resort. They had their shit together and while it was the most crowded weekend of the year for some competitiony thing, they rocked out and were easy and fun to use. Got to ski for real, and I don’t horribly suck. Only ate it a few times. Taught the wife to ski, and she got good quick. But I would like to sum up the one flaw of that weekend as follows:
Ski Rental: $50
Lift Ticket: $45
Ski Lessons: $10
Running over a bunch of retarded snowboarders who whenever they fall down feel obligated to make snow angels in the middle of the slope: Priceless.
Yes, I don’t know why, but every snowboarder feels obligated to ritualistically sit down in the middle of the track for about a half an hour at a go. A few skiers too, but man, there were lot of people just, sittin on the slopes. I was watching the black diamond trails from the ski lift and watching snow boarders chugging along, stop, and sit down in the middle to hang. And this is a black diamond, aka one of these \ and sometimes one of these | and people would fly at them and have to fly into the trees to avoid. So odd.
But all in all a good weekend, but now I have a cold as I work my 9 hour days, yes 9 hours. We have a 9-9-9-9-8 / 9-9-9-9-off bi-week for some reason so basically I work long hours then suffer alone every other Friday cause I have nothing to do. Oh well. So with my sniffles I blog. I wish I had more to discuss, and I am sure I do. Let us select something from the blog bag shall we!
HA! This was something I came up with I thought I would mention:
“Yep, that’s what I do when I find someone injured or stabbed or whatever. I either yell at them, or scream for no real apparent reason.” Oh TV how you portray us.
Ooh, here was an interesting idea. Objective, create a crack team of people to complete missions of the utmost difficulty and danger, comprised solely… of real life people from television. Now this can be actors, or reality TV people. Who do you pick?
Here is my selection:
Recruit Number 1: Mr. Wizard
Placement: Science and Arson
Reason for choice: We need someone who knows the ins and outs of the chemical world, who can assist the team in a scientific capacity and aid in any way possible.
Recruit Number 2: Mr. Rodgers (Deceased)
Placement: Military expertise and infiltration expert.
Mr. Rodgers the man was a Green Beret and hence one of the most deadly men on the screen. Additionally he can infiltrate any locale using his skills at acting and his excessively likeable and calm persona. But, you may ask, isn’t he dead? Well, that is what Mr. Wizard is for. Say hello to Zombie Mr. Rodgers.
Recruit Number 3: 2005 Winning Team of the Robot Fighting Competition.
Placement: Science and research and armament.
Reason for choice: They build great big fighting robots. Need I explain further?
Recruit Number 4: Crocodile Hunter (Deceased)
Placement: Animal Handling, and Wilderness Survival
Reason for choice: We needed someone capable of taking the team through the harshest of conditions and surviving on nothing. And while we could employ Mr. Wizard to rejuvenate the Croc Hunter we found it in our best interest to take the Million Dollar Man approach and this employed the Robot Fighting Competition team to rebuild him, bigger, better, faster, and to spend just enough money. He is now Cyborg Crocodile Hunter.
Recruit Number 5: York (Not Born Yet)
Placement: Muscle
Reason for Choice: The yet to be grandchild of Mr. T and Hulk Hogan, this slightly ethnic monstrosity will be brought back in time to be the muscle, nay, they TON of muscle and badassery of the group, with many a witty PG retort to keep the team motivated and on track.
Recruit Number 6: That guy from the chimney sweep song.
Placement: Acting and showmanship.
Reason for choice: As Disney, Guys and Dolls, and any number of Musical Turned Movie has taught us… sometimes certain fights can only be won through song and dance. And so we wanted the best.
And so it is it with this crack team that we defend the world from horrors unknown, battling back the darkness in the sky, but also in peoples hearts. Our team will work without pause to keep this world safe, for they are…. Team SuperAwesome.
And Out!
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