Who watches the Watchmen? Not me.... Cause I fell Asleep.

Well. Let me tell you about the evening I had. But to give you a full impression, let me start with when I woke up that day.... (insert shimmering flashback here) (flash forward again) Okay, I don't actually remember what I did during the DAY. But let us continue....

Who watches the Watchmen? Not me… not me. Why, you may ask? Well, settle back and I will begin a story for you, nay a fable about a young man who ventured off in search of adventure, in search of glory, in search of things to bring light to the faces of little children. But alas. Alas! Dear travelers. He found none of these things. All that he found on this treacherous journey, one that cost him a whole Sever Dollars he shall never see again but was wise enough to employ seeing as he has a work discount for movie tickets! All he returned from this journey with were memories. Nay nightmares. All he spoke of that haunted him….

Blue Penis.

That is right ladies and gentlemen. The Watchman movie didn’t just suck dick. It blew it. And a lot of it. Let me Paint a picture for you. The Watchmen is a short 12 comic book series which has been in the works for a movie for YEARS, with a large legal battle between Warner Bros and Fox, and finally it got made, yes finally! Even through the legal battle, even through the writer walking out on the set. What?! What you say, the writer walked away? They SAY he walked away, even though they were trying to make it as close as possible to the original story. So I have two things to say to that. Either that is a bold faced lie, or the writer was in fact a sock. A tube sock by preference. But I think the first option is more likely.

This movie is terrible, and coming from someone who has watched many movies, knows how to write them, understand them, and tear them apart, yet still has such incredibly low standards as to own the Transformers Movie, (NO, not the live action, the animated one with Weird Al Yankovitch songs!) I say this. The Watchmen was a TERRIBLE movie. I fell asleep for a part of it where it just began to narrate itself at length. I have only one way to describe the movie.
Soft Core Porn. No wait! Think about it. It had lame and frankly retarded sex, and all the rest was filled with absurd and out and out moronic plot and freaking ridiculously bad acting. WOW! It really IS a soft-core porn. And I paid SEVEN DOLLARS for this. And I am glad I only paid seven dollars, otherwise it would have cost me much much much more to have seen this film. Why you ask? Doesn’t it cost something like fourteen dollars normal, maybe a little popcorn on the side? Well, yes and no. For a normal movie that doesn’t suck, perhaps, but for this movie the costs rack up. If I had had to spend more than 7 dollars this is how it would have played out.

Step 1: Buy tickets for 14$
Step 2: Watch absolutely horrible movie, hate life a little bit, hate the movie a whole lot bit, hate the person to my right somewhere in between cause they are talking on their phone out of boredom, and hate the popcorn because it is cold.
Step 3: Buy a plane ticket to California for 500$
Steps 4-whatever: Taxi to the airport ($50), get on plane, fly to California. Pay off someone to tell me where to find the writer of the show. ($300 bribe). Track him down. Slap him. ($100 Assume hotel fees). Go to producing studio ($30 taxi). Remember I needed something. ($30 taxi to hardware store) Buy a shovel (Cause I like to save money you will see. $20) Back to studio ($30) Locate producers, and kill them with shovel. If possible take out the actors. Bury bodies (multi-tasker!) Spend a little bit to fake an alias ($700 for someone to say I was with them) and get off scott free. ($500 dollars home. $300 dollars therapy against blue penis shock).

Quite the expensive movie in reality. Holy crap it made me annoyed. Now some may state that I leave no specifics. Well here are some.

This movie was terrible because the main character is NO ONE. They never settle on someone to follow but instead drift between 3-4 people without ever developing their characters beyond one of them being able to DO the other one when some internal conflict is overcome by beating the hell out of some ninjas. (I think this is what happened, though in all honesty I know they were Asian and I probably was bored by this point and my imagination kicked in to save my sanity). But as I was saying, no one developed AT ALL. Then at the end, it is one of those really gay “ha-ha, got you, I as the maker of this movie am soooo much more clever than you, and you never saw this coming (though I did cause it is retarded) and on top of that I’m going to quite pointlessly kill a main character because I like to be Indi (i.e. Indi film where you do something to “make your mark” which I have never understood when you should be making the movie no SUCK) and then end the movie without resolving anything worth your time and money.
Yes, well. Poop. I wish I had walked out, but sadly it came to me to do so during the both incredibly boring, and INCREDIBLY dumb sex scene, and I opted to not look like a prude, even though I simply have good taste. On reflection I should have walked out during the sex scene to a cry of “They’re doing it all wrong!” or “They’re faking it!” or “The review said there was a donkey in this!” or “Horrible amounts of vomiting!” though that last one would be more of a verb than a noun.

How else can I both justify the pain this movie causes and convince other to not view it. It begins in a way that actually wasn’t too bad, with a back-story montage that fills you in (so I thought) and gets you interested. However, they then proceed to flashback about, oh, one billion times for no apparent reason other than to pull the “ah ha aren’t I clever you never suspected THIS flashback (which I did because whoever thought it WOULD be clever was an idiot)”. And so not only do you get a little lost, you stop caring completely to the point that when the end of the movie and climax comes around (the end of the movie climax, not the sexual one, cause that was just disturbing as crap) that you A) don’t know which character is who, B) don’t care if ANYONE dies, C) Know for a fact you have wasted your money, and D) Are now very frightened of the blue penis.

And yes, there is a big ol’ scary blue penis that makes a debut about 20 times in this movie. The only saving grace to this fact is that when the character due to super powers grows to 1000 times his normal size he somehow magically has a blackout bar on his penis. Apparently a 20 foot tall penis would be just “too much” to handle. Yes, this movie is rated R (for which I had to show my ID for some strange reason) and all because of blue penis. And I don’t know whose idea it was, or who wanted to rock it out to such a retarded degree, but when the scene shows the blue dude rocking out the blue penis on an empty plane, and the vantage point pans out quickly, and the special effects start to fuzz in everything cause they are lazy and it saves money to not require the detail of everything across the plain and characters as it zooms out at an alarming speed, for some reason, for some WEIRD reason, the rockin out blue penis stays 100% in focus even though the rest of the screen goes fuzzy. So F-in creepy, so F-in weird.
So. In conclusion. If you want to spend money to watch what boils down to a 3 hour soft core porn, that is badly acted, badly done, and frankly about as boring a watching a really old person try to blow out candles (which might be fun in reality, but pretend the old person is in a coma shall we), then this movie might just be for you. But if you have any standards at all, or even if you merely like to be able to stay awake during a movie please realize. The only thing worth watching in this movie might actually BE the blue penis. Yes. THAT bad. THAT much penis.

THAT much a waist of brainpower.

Not go and watch something good.

Over and out!