Sayings I Have Come to Know and Cherish, and a few new ones.

Alrighty, this is going to be a feel good blog. Much like a feel good movie where nothing really important happens and all the characters either get the girl or their cumupence by the end of the flick.

I like sayings. But not dumb ones. My new saying of the month, as a friend described to me:

"Dick in a Jar"
This is one of the most potentially insulting sayings and I LOVE it. Defentition: You know how there was alwayse that girl and that guy, maybe you were the guy, who knows? But she wasn't into him but he was into her like Woa. And she would never "like him like that" because they had such a good friendship, and they were best friends weren't they? That's what she says all the time. And so yea, it would be okay with him if they were just friends and oh by the way make sure you put some preservative in that jar with my dick thank you very much I might like to use it again one day, and oh yes, she says I will take good care of this, but coincidentally do you have the time to help me put up some shelves and other manly duties while ignor you and talk to basically any other guy in a flirtatious way but you?
Dick in a Jar. Classic. The poor guy who's into a girl who isn't into him and so settles for being "good friends". Such a good saying, and I am amazed I hadn't heard it before. One can just imagine it on a shelf somewhere, and then quickly forget that image because it is borderline creepy from the other side of the border. To all the Dick's in a Jar out there I say, find a jar opener! Preferably one who is nice, fairly attractive and has a good grip....you know,.... to open the jar.

Next on the list is my ALL TIME favorite saying.
East Shit and Die.
There is no other saying that says it all. When you hate someone, or have been slighted to such a great degree that you with only the ultimate in recourse. Eat Shit and Die. You can tell people to go to hell where they will then have to suffer tourtures of the soul yada yada but is it good enough? F- You. Just words really, and if anything you're telling them to go have a great time. Definitely not good enough. But Eat Shit and Die, well..... It says it all. Not only do you want them to die, enough said there, that you want them to part from this mortal coil because they for one reason or another suck too much to hang onto it, but you want them to part ways in the worst way possible. You want them, not only to Die, but you want them to die from Shit Consumption. You want them to Die, Eating Shit. So good, so good, like candy for the soul. I just can't get over how good this saying is, it could be dealt out almost like this: "Sir, you suck on such a tremendous level that I want you dead, not only do I want you dead, I want you to eat Feces, yes sir, Feces, and then through the suffering enabled by that Fecal Consumption then leave this world, I don't mind if you choke on the shit, or merely suffer from it's potency, as long as the shit, in your mouth, makes you die. Eat Shit and Die. mmmm, my soul loves candy.

Now for one of the stupid ones that could have a lot of potential.
When Life Gives You Lemons. Traditionally this has ended in "Make Lemonade" which is about as idiotic as you can get cause not only is it silly as a metaphor, if you are in fact handed lemons, you then have to turn around to make lemonade on top of that, and that is just wrong. And besides, for Lemonade you need sugar and water. It doesn't say "When life gives you lemons, sugar and water make lemonade" though if it did I would have to say "F- the Lemons and Sugar and drown yourself. But as I said, there have been variations: Brak from the Space Ghost show stated that you should then blast the lemons to bits with laser canons. The resoundingly awesum movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall has one of its characters claim "F- the Lemons, lets go surfing." Useful except for the lack of ocean for some of us. So what would be the greatest responce to someone who comes up to you out of the blue and says "When Life Gives You Lemons...." and awaits your responce in an effort to determine your outlook on life? I say, punch them in the neck. Cause A) you're wasting my time B) who are you and why are you yelling metaphors at me and C) Lemons suck, I take them off my iced tea and out of my glasses of water cause until they make a seedless lemon I keep getting seeds in my drink and that pisses me off, so I say when life gives you lemons throw them at the lemon provider, I don't care if it is his job, and he's just trying to scrape by a living distributing lemons, take that lemon guy and metaphorically speaking I think this works too.

And of course: Glass Half Full. This has alwayse been amusing to me cause as the saying goes Glass Half Full /Glass Half Empty and it is meant to determine if you are an optimist or a pessimist, and, this is the part I love, everyone has at some point tried to consider how to say something about the glass just being half there, saying neither the optimistic thing, nor the pessimistic thing, which amuses me cause why would you want to be some sort of neutral individual saying things along the lines of "maybe" when asked if you like something like cheese. Maybe? It's chesse! Of course you like it and if you don't you're just dead and a stake through the heart. But why do people never want to definitivly be one or the other I shall never know, but people do like to try and fill thier steriotype, making a mental note to speak about glasses half full when seen believing that this in some fashion will mold them into an optimistic person instead of the creepily self wary person they actually are, and not to dismiss the fact that if the glass is only half there and you don't know about the other half, who the hell has been drinking out of your glass? That is just uncalled for.

Fin.



When Life Gives you Lemons - Dumb, mabye better ones
Glass Half Full - Dumb, mabye better