New Jobs, New Commute

Well I guess you can assume from the title what this blog is about. That’s right. Porn. Well, jobs and porn, but I will start with porn, because, well, why the hell not. I find porn to be one of the most amusing concepts in the world. I mean thing about it. There are people out there who own planes. That’s right PLANES! Vehicles for traveling in the AIR! And they bought them with the money they earned having sex for money! Bravo. I feel that THAT is probably the modern American Dream. Sex for money, and not just some money, A LOT of money. Granted the majority of them don’t have planes because they are having sex on webcams or they spend all of their earnings on illicit substances and “doctor” visits, but I do not have the numbers on this so I will not assume more.
But oh, porn, how you lead the majority of Americans lives. And I was letting my mind wander the other day and I started to do some calculations. Lets see how they play out shall we? Your average male probably looks at porn on average 3 times a week *Snigger * and you figure they will probably view on average 10 separate and unique acts of sexual conduct during that time. This takes into account an estimated average of times a week and acts in a viewing. These numbers are probably different *A LOT Higher * but we cannot say. But the math continues. 52 weeks a year, 10 x 3 = 30, 30 x 52 = 1560, and most males watch from the age of oh lets just say 16, and most of the people I know are about 26, so lets just say 10 years on average. 1560 x 10 = 15,620 and round down for holidays or being sick to 15,500 (only a little rounding, its hard to be THAT sick).
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, but mostly just the men. You average manly male walking the street has most likely in his life watched about 15 THOUSAND separate sexual acts by different sets of people. HOLY CRAP. That just makes the world seem like a sad sad place, and not at all hard to obtain an airplane in HA! But speaking of the perfect job…..
I finally have one. Well, not perfect, but it pays well so that is something. I have many thoughts on the whole new job thing so I shall try to go through it as succinctly as possible. Additionally I hate writing in Microsoft word. I’m on the train now and can only write in word and hence my massive spelling errors are more difficult to complete because I am adjusting my spelling as I go. I know. I feel like you all are jumping for joy already. But anyway. After an official count of 132 jobs applied and an unofficial count of about 150 (unofficial because I want no written record of applying to be a sales clerk at bed bath an beyond, but by GOD I’m going to frame my rejection letter from the Wegmans Grocery Store for being unqualified. I now have a job! And it was a weird road too. It is a job with the Patent and trademark office, hooray, and I got it OVER THE PHONE. For a government job with security clearance and everything, I never saw anybody. I was almost worried I was part of an elaborate scam to get all of my information. But it all worked out and unless the government is part of an identity theft scam on the very retarded scale, I think I’m in the clear. So I am working, hooray and stuff. And so I set out to start working. And it was WEIRD. First day in was nice, little ol orientation style, and we finished up early too, around 3. Very pleasant. But uh oh. You work for the Government now and they are paying you for a full 8 hours. So we sat there till 5. And when I say sat, we SAT. Our comps are not hooked up and there really wasn’t anything to do. I sharpened pencils. Yes, I SHARPENED PENCILS FOR 2 HOURS. Which was hard cause there were only 3 pencils. I feel I may have blown my load early on the first one, but I managed to make the final 2 last for the rest of the day.
And then the second day (mind you I’m writing this blog on the train now on the way to day 3, so the adventure is continuing) we went in and we had group art time. Yes, group art time. We drew personal crest shields to represent ourselves for a few hours. This was fun, as I like to draw and all, but let me tell you, there is almost no middle ground for people who can’t draw. There were good fairly reasonable drawings, then there were pictures of people choking each other, one looked like a guy had a baby popping out of his chest, and there was a penguin fighting a crab over the state of Nevada. (As I later found out this was actually a crab and an Oriel hanging out in Baltimore County) But who knew? I thought the really sciencey (yes I made up a word, suck it!) smart people were supposed to be unconsciously good at art, and maybe they can play musical instruments I haven’t seen them all bring in their bits and sport a ho-down, but man, these people can’t draw for crap. But neither can I so I feel at home. But I do feel intimidated something fierce. I mean I got this job on a degree I haven’t looked at in 4 years (Mechanical Engineering) and there are people here who sport PhDs and multiple degrees from MIT and Harvard. For crying out loud! So I have started telling people I’m a retired Astronaught (I know this is spelled wrong but I have apparently baffled the spellchecker) with a PhD in awesome to get some classroom clout. But all in all they are nice and it has been… educational, and a heck of a lot less running around than at my other gig at the restaurant. I don’t know if I mentioned that previously, but I work at a restaurant part time to pay the bills till I got this job. And let me tell you, though most probably already know, people who work at restaurants are more than a little slice of crazy. I actually had to crate a new term for them by combining a couple of my other favorite terms. I would say a good slice of the people working in the restaurant business are a "Big Hot Train Wreck". Yes, that good. I was told that my place of work did not do drug tests cause they didn’t want to lost half their staff. Bravo. Bravo. But it is fun there too and the people are mucho friendly, in that touch everything because the colors tell them too sort of way, hint hint. HA!
But since my new job is in DC I have had to find new ways to get there. Tried driving, it took FORVER, like Sandlot style FOR-EV-ER (if you get this reference you get a ham sandwich made of gold, if not, watch the movie Sandlot). So driving while feasible, sucks. But then a friend told me about the VRE. Now the VRE is a train running from waaaay out down 66 near Broad run into DC, and also waaaay out in Fredericksburg Va into DC. So I rode this badboy in, and while the commute was long, I was able to dick around on my computer the whole time so it wasn’t bad. But the commute back…. Well, my friend forgot to mention one crucial piece of information. Make sure you take the right train.
That’s right. I realized where I was about the time I passed Quantico VA which, for those who need a picture, is way the hell down route 95 from DC and about an hour and a half BY CAR from where I needed to be. And then once I realized where I was I made a few phone calls then enjoyed a pleasant hour and a half standing on a train platform in the dark in about 25 degree weather. Not one of my better moments let me tell you.
But the new job is shaping up all right, though a bit odd in the actual work department as in we put together a skit for a presentation instead of a slideshow. Bravo team, bravo. Its summer camp all over. But I am glad to be gainfully employed once more.
Take that 132 job applications. The best part about it, is that I am still getting letters about jobs I applied to waaay back telling me I’m unqualified to do whatever it was I applied to. I think my favorite jobs applied to and saw were probably the following:
Emu Wrangler: You got it, EMU wrangler. And an Emu for those who don’t know is basically an uglier Ostrich, if such a thing were possible. How one wrangles emus I have no idea. Perhaps someone was asking to strangle emus but had a problem with spelling, as I often do. But why would someone want emus strangled you asked? Well isn’t it obvious? I don’t know, is it? I have no idea; maybe they had a strange run in with a chicken when they were young.
Voice Over Guy: This isn’t as glorious as it sounds. This job, you would be hired to read ass long scripts to a computer to teach it video recognition software, much like talking to a small child for hours on end. How fun this would have been, the world may never know….
Display Technology Engineer: Fancy? I thought so too, until they called for an interview. Yep, these bad boys would have me setting up projectors, not full on entertainment systems, not multimedia presentations, just slide projectors. Hooray, huzza, and FU. And the best part was is they shot me down. So sad.
On with the highlights!
Production Assistant: This bad boy was actually part time, and I got a reference from someone I knew who spoke to the hiring guy. So I have an inside lead, and it is a base production assistant job, something a monkey could do. I do not understand why they always say you need more experience to be a production assistant. I can only guess they mean you don’t have enough experience taking other peoples crap for a living. Yea, they didn’t call me back after the interview.
Side note: People who don’t call me back after an interview, I want to shank with my shiv. I want to advertise for a job (imaginary) that would be their ideal job, get them in for an interview, video tape it, send the tape to their current employer, get them fired, then call them back to tell them to start, and give them an address in the middle of a field to report to. Call me back you F-ers, or I will hate you with the might of a thousand tiny white mice! And I sent a thank you letter and everything. I wonder if I can send hate mail at a later date without negative repercussion. Hmm.
Bonefish Grill: Yep a waiting job. Weird application procedure as I had to fill out the application in the restaurant, as though they believed if I left I would run to the library to look up the perfect serving resume. They even had me in for a second piece where you fill out one of those “I will not stab my employer” questionnaires. I LOVE those things. It is like they are trying to trick a six year old!
Question: It is good to come in early to work.
A: Strongly Agree
Q: All work should be finished in a timely manner.
A: Strongly Agree
Q: Killing a coworker is okay if you don’t get caught.
A: Strongly Agr…. Waaaait a minute.
So dumb. And the thing is that is almost verbatim from the test. Oh restaurant business how you amuse me. Yea they didn’t call me back either. I think I will go steal the dumpster from their building. The ramifications of that should be glooorious.
Lets see, and the last one would have to be dog walker. I do love dogs, but VA is F-in cold! Various family pressed me to apply to a barrage of jobs I would have never considered because with three degrees and years of work experience I felt that it would not be possible to fall further. I have to say, I felt like the most highly qualified unqualified person out there. Couldn’t even get a job fetching coffee part time as a Production Assistant.
But I feel humbled now, and my brother gave me good advice. Money’s money, and working for it if that is all there is is fine. And it is true, though I feel as though this experience has pushed me towards the mentality that money is the most important thing. Cause now I do kind of believe it. Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy something very much like it is what I’ve heard. I actually think it can buy happiness especially if you change it into quarters and swim in it Scrooge McDuck style. But I keep my hand in elsewhere, writing and blogging. I am trying to build up my website www.jesseboguefilms.com and keep making videos and scripts. My movie Cockblocker is on its 4th edit iteration and has some clips on my site. (For those who don’t know, Cockblocker the Movie was my graduate thesis film and is currently being edited. Its tagline was: “A man, feeling that his life has not gone where he wanted, decides to go back in time. And prevent his own conception.” It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Big Finish! Tada!