The Resume' of Me (the apostrophe is for awesome)

Hello from the far end of the frontier again, this is your host, Mr. Really Tired of Applying to Jobs Guy, and I'm will be taking you on a tour of my brain. Actually, sorry, my brain appears to be closed at the moment, apparently someone had an accident with the fryer and it is currently of no use to anyone. The brain, not the fryer.
What could have happened to have caused a frying of the brain you may ask? 43 job applications, that's what. And it's not like they are the good ol' apply to everything in sight variety from the good ol days of when I wanted to work at Starbucks cause that's where all the cool people worked but I could only get a job lifting rocks out of a ditch for my parents (oh you think I may be kidding, I will show you the ditch!) but alas, these are the read everything cause you have to make sure you did a good job applying variety. The kind where handwriting doesn't count, cause if you had to fill something in you aren't doing it right.
So! After a round of applications this morning, and my mornings tend to start off lame. My wife jumps out of bed doing a flip and cartwheel in her excitement to get to work, and then I can't get back to sleep cause the cat is having a berserk attack and meows at anything remotely resembling a person, hatstands, lamps, the wall. And hence I am left in my own little hell monitored by the cat as I apply to jobs. And granted Mr. Cat may just want some love, but the only thing receiving any love upon request at three in the morning will be my pillow, but granted if it ever actually requested it I will be damned if I put my head anywhere near it.
SO, I find myself wondering, as I often do, or at least did before my brain ceased to function on a reasonable level, what have I accomplished in life? What are the things, that I could put on a resume to myself and say, hey, don't you want to hire me to conduct the goings on in your life? Aren't I the one you want to employ to make sure your days are filled with trampolines and bubble gum (though in a separate occurrence, jumping on a trampoline chewing gum = bad, jumping on a trampoline covered in gum = also bad (however, slightly interesting to watch). So what have I done of note. Well let us structure it like a resume:

Dear Me,
I am looking for a position with ME, as a Qualified Life Consultant. I have 27 years of experience in this line of work, though probably the first 5 were done training in one facility or another. I have attached my resume for your consideration, though seeing as you are ME you probably know what is on it already.

Sincerely,
Me

Name: You
Residence: Your head.
Phone / Email : I'm a voice in your head, and though people may like to sit next to each other and text and email I might consider myself a little over the hill should I want to send MYSELF messages that way.

Objective: Occupation kicking ass and chewing bubblegum, though as previously stated, not on a trampoline.

Education: The school of hard knocks but not that hard, and not metaphorically perverse either, though sometimes I regret that part. (GPA: Shitty in the beginning ( bit of a nerd) but it got better later, so on average I would say a 3.3 out of 4.0)

Experience:
Being Me: Responsibilities - Keeping me alive, and out of oncoming traffic. Avoiding crazy as ass people in relationships. Making enough money to eat or finding people to buy me food. Maintaining a non-round body and regular (annually) exercise. Generally finding the bathroom without too much outside assistance.
9/15/1981 - Present

Being Pierre Rodriquez: Responsibilities - Being half Mexican, Half French. Rocking it out, wearing a hat, and building rope swings.
10/14/2007 - 12/25/2007 - Internship

Skills: Juggling, Handstands, Braiding Hair (Not), putting up with shopping for long periods of time, gym enthusiast without dying, and expert high fiver.

Accomplishments: Been around the world and back ALIVE. Installed a ceiling fan and am still ALIVE. Ate my weight in prunes (ALIVE). Have stayed out past 3 in the morning and contrary to my mothers beliefs NOT ended up in a ditch (ALIVE). Made many an interesting piece of art/carpentry for good/evil/retarded people and not lost any fingers/toes/organs/friends/peopleIdon'tKnow/pets/bodiesOfWater and managed to stay at lease 97% ALIVE. Dealt with crazy/supercrazy/blatentlyPsycotic people and came out ALIVE and sometimes with some tricks with hand puppets. And last but not least, good with animals terrible with babies.

References : You know everyone I do so just ask around ME.


And then I wouldn't be hired for failing the polygraph test of even though I passed with flying colors on the awesome test (cause I cheated) though on retrospect the two may be linked.

And so I shall not reboot the fried brain and hope that everything in general boots up correctly. Blogging is very therapeutic because unlike conducting oneself in life, I can make up all the words I want and no one can say I've ever been McFiggined.

Finale.