Weddings and the People that make them special.

Well well well, sorry for the hiatus on the blog but I had decided to throw myself fully into trying to get a job. The wife has started working her gig and while I love living the dream, that's right, living in the Parents-In-Law's basement, I feel that a change of occupation is now needed. I would love to get a group of my good buddies over for a little D&D action and take my status from merely sad to utterly out of this world, but alas, this is not to be so. So job hunting I have gone. And, well, dozens of applications in, no calls. So sad, so sad. I think my low point was when the wife suggested I work at Best Buy, and while the appeal exists to have a job I don't really care about where I could run amok during the day, and have the keys to sponsor a lock in or sleepover with my bosom chums in the evening, I just don't think that would be the place for me. So I'm trying a different route. Those you can, do, those who can't say Shut the Hell Up I'm only working as a substitute teacher until the market gets turned around so there!

But on to the subject of the blog. Weddings, and the people that make them special. Now this is most often the bride and groom or perhaps a best man with a really amazing best man speech. My brother for instance had an amazing best man speech at my wedding. It began "Dashing and Daring, Courageous and Caring, Faithful and Friendly with stories to share." and for those who know it, this is the Gummy Bears theme song. So while the adults are sitting there thinking "My what a well spoken individual, he's not only very well spoken but has an intuition for lyrical speech." and I'm up there trying to keep a straight face and my friends are all rolling in the back. Bravo brother, bravo.

So as I said, there are usually some people who make the wedding the "IT" thing, and seeing as this has been wedding season I'm here to tell you about a few.

First, the Wedding of "Nick and Betsy Durso". Now I have to say my one beef with this wedding had to be my wife who said "This is best wedding I've ever seen.... second to ours that is." Thanks for the bone there darlin. But I have to say it was amazing. It was a winery atop a hill overlooking the rolling plains. The food was good, and they gave us free chocolate bars! Not little snacky things, but this was like the Halloween house you hit up time and again over the night with the full sized monsters of some chocolate you've never heard of but know it will be good because you are kinda sure its name is in Belgium but not totally cause you have never really read Belgiumese but you are sure it will be tasty anyway with all those pictures of cherubs on the from looking all fat and content. And so, it was a very pretty wedding, bride and groom awesome and so on. Ah, but who does the award go to? I have two awards for this wedding. Mark the Shark gets award number one for starting the wine flowing practically before I got there, and being the basic result of my fuzzy recollection and odd pictures throughout the night. Bravo Shark, you are the one who starts the party right and knows how to celebrate the wedding. I wish I had more to add on this point, but I was drinking a bit too much, so on the same note, boo Shark, I can't remember why I took the pictures with the banana and the daffodil. And we have the second award, the gold if you will, for the person who made the ceremony priceless. That's right. The lone cow. Now I don't know where this guy was, but it was a picturesque backdrop of two people across a valley exchanging vows, and this cow decided to let howl. And this is a VALLEY, and it ECHOES. Bravo cow, bravo for just being in the wrong place at oh so the wrong time.

Wedding 2: Now this one deserves special mention. I was not at this wedding but my girl showed me the pictures from facebook later as she is the un-announced deity of facebook perusing it's pages with all alacrity spreading knowledge and wealth as she finds it in her travels. But she showed me the wedding pictures of Oliva and Taz's wedding. Now I have to say, bravo photographer, he did a very good job with what I heard to be a slightly gloomy day, so kudos to him. But the awards I have to say goes to this man. Let me set the scene. The picture is the classic bride and father of the bride coming down the isle. The are exiting a glorious Holley archway with a hedge stretching away to either side taller than a man. It is picturesque as they make their entrance. But then you say, how do you know the hedge was taller than a man. And the award goes to, Bushes Guy. There is a convenient hole in the hedge and lo and behold some guy, maybe a waiter, maybe a gardener, who knows! But he has his noggin in the hole to watch the bride come down the isle and is grinning like he won the lottery. Bravo bushes guy, you take the prize.

Now for another wedding I rather enjoyed. This one had its bumps and bruises as most weddings do, but I have to say the couple was radiant, and rocked it out solid. Especially since they had two cakes! So the consolatory prize goes to the couple. For having enough cake to do around and then some. Hey I'm an easy guy to please. That and their food rocked my socks off so hard I had to dance barefoot most the night. But on to the winners of this wedding. Now I as I said this was also a very beautiful wedding but there were a couple hitches one of which being that one of the bridesmaids was called back to active duty and had to miss the wedding at the last minute. So, in her stead, they rocked a garden gnome. That's right. A garden gnome stood in line with the other bridesmaids, and rocked the ceremony. But seeing as I can't in all good conscience give the prize to the garden gnome, or to the person missing as it was out of their control, this prize goes to Nick Durso, the groomsman opposite the garden gnome who treated it with all the care that a bridesmaid deserved such as escorting it down the isle, posing for the couples photos, and making sure it had a good meal at dinner as it couldn't reach the buffet without help. Bravo Nick and the garden gnome, you made wedding history. Now the final award for this wedding goes to a circumstance of things, so you can decide who gets the vote. Let me set the stage. Best man's speech, a slightly fuzzy sound system, and a couple impatient guests who wanted to get dancing. Now the best man's speech was....long. Really long. I think he actually had it written to be multiple speeches into one with dramatic pauses between the interchanges. And while I know it was done with a steady hand when written, the sound system did not carry so it was something akin to listening to the teacher of Charlie Brown for about twenty minutes. And it would have been longer except that some unnamed people nearby felt that it should reach it's climax then and began to clap and cheer whereupon the other guests who weren't really following decided that the clapper must have better hearing than they and followed suit, and which point the best man, finding himself a little out of sorts with the applause took it in stride and took a bow. So bravo clappers and best man, you made my blog.

Now for the final wedding of the summer, and I have to say, some of the highest awards I have to give. This wedding I had the pleasure to attend the other weekend and it was for my good friend John, and his lady J. Now this wedding was a military wedding, and I tell you this cause you have to visualize how a few things are. The dad, in full military regalia, a very no-nonsense kind of look about him. So the wedding was in a church, very nice, the maids of honor very dolled up, the bride looking very bridey the groom rocking it out strong and pulling the emotion card only once. So we then head over to the reception and the few people we were with got there first. This was a little weird cause as we walk into the reception hall a few bells go off in my head. Now nothing against the wedding we had been at, but it was largely of one ethnicity, and the reception we were about to crash, frankly, was not. But as it turned out there were several receptions going on in the building so my fears were put aside and we plunged in. So we get to the actual reception, chill at the back and wait for the fun to begin. So the crowd arrives and the party begins, and the awards begin. I have three to give out tonight. The first award goes to this man. The scene. The father is giving the father speech, it is heartfelt describing his love for his daughter and how happy he was for her, and how he had accepted John as his son. It was right at this point that one man, perhaps a little hard of hearing or just unable to control the volume of his voice decided that the best thing to do at that point was to say "Wow" really loud. Well, that started my night off with a bang. So the speeches finish, heartfelt and tearful yada yada. Then the dancing begins. Now my second award will go to my friend Amanada. Scene. The dance floor is full, now there wasn't a huge amount of dancing going on until now, but when the "Twist" came on everyone swarmed the floor. And the song is playing and everyone is rocking it strong, then the part of the song comes about where it plays "Everyone get a little quieter now" where by tradition the people dancing will move lower and lower and twist ever closer to the ground. So we have everyone, basically squatting at the part of the dance... except for Amanda who is standing there in the middle of this group on the floor looking around with a look of shock and mingled amusement. Now I don't know if she has bad knees, or a tight skirt or what, but all I have to say it, bravo Amanda, don't give in to that peer pressure and rock it strong, bravo.

But now. The top award of the evening. This gets its own paragraph and the awards of the Platinum of the night. It is just that good. Scene. The bridesmaids are at the head table, and the maid of Honor is an attractive blond of the sorority persuasion and everyone is dressed up to the peak. Not one person at the wedding is not in a suit, and many are in military regalia. And enter Glasses McGee the boyfriend of the Maid of Honor and AT the head table. This guy did NOT get the memo. The one that says:
Memo: You are at a wedding.
1) Do not wear white tennis shoes.
2) Do not wear sweatpants.
3) Do not wear a long sleeve shirt you obviously haven't washed and pulled out from the back of your closet because you don't actually do laundry.
Thank you for adhering to our requests and have a nice day at the wedding.

Oh, but Glasses McGee was going to take it one step further. Glasses McGee was SO cool he had sunglasses on, in a dark room at a Wedding. And he was so UNBELIEVABLY cool that he had them on BACKWARDS on his bald head. That's right, Glasses McGee had eyes in the back of his head that could see so well, he needed to have sunglasses on them to shade them from the most minimal of light.
Well let me tell you when I saw Maid of Honor, who I might add was into this guy like he had a mountain of money and she was a gold digger with a silver pick axe, she went from an attractive individual to, well, there is a trailer involved. There is something very important that everyone should remember when living their life. There is no dressing like a thug at a wedding, there is just retarded. Glasses McGee you have won the Platinum medal of the wedding season for not listening to the rules of those crazy jazzed up old people at that Military Wedding and living by your own rules and wearing your sunglasses at night. Yes. You have brought the 80's back to us in the style of Corey Hart, and you Wear Your Sunglasses at Night.

End of Memo.