Phones, and Why They Should Have Lasers Built In

Well, the new job is shaping up to be fairly interesting. I find it amusing that I once mused about the fact that I would “never have to wear a suit ever again due to being involved with the film industry” Boy I should have seen THAT one coming. But I kind of like wearing a suit, makes me feel like I’m trying. I wore a suit to my interview out in LA and everyone laughed at me. Look who’s laughing now!! Actually I’m not sure anyone is laughing, would be kinda mean actually all laughing at each other. We’ll say people watching some really good cartoons are laughing, I think we can all agree on that. ANYWAY.

I find it amusing that I had to take work home for work at Mimi’s (The Restaurant Bar I work At) and I am legally forbidden BY LAW to do so while working for the Federal Government, and not because it is secure information or anything, they just consider homework=overtime and don’t want to pay me. Go figure. Additionally this is the only job I attained while interviewing in my UNDERWEAR. As much as I would have liked I don’t think I could have pulled THAT one off in LA. Pulled off, bud-dum-ching! But really it was a phone interview, I’m not just that good no matter how much I’d want to be.

But let us see what our topic of today’s blog shall be. Hmm, something I found interesting the other day was the use of cell phones. I mean, I just bought a new one and it broke and the b-stards over at the Verizon store said I broke it. This is to my mind a load of tosh because until I get the supernatural ability to break a touch screen through the back of the phone then, well, they are still retarded. I wasn’t sure how to end that sentence and I figured calling Verizon retarded was as good a way as any. So needless to say they made me use my rebate from when I first bought the phone, to, yes, buy another phone. And not a new phone, oh no, they wouldn’t let me do that cause I’m now under some sort of dumb contract from buying the first phone, I had to buy the SAME phone, and a REFURBISHED one at that. And I don’t really trust their idea of refurbished; I feel like the Mac store does a good refurbished product, hell this computer is one. They basically make it like new, and give you a new warranty for a lower price overall. The Verizon phone is “refurbished” and by “refurbished” I believe they mean they did the minimum to get it to turn on. And I’m not sure if it even has the original warranty now. So displeased. So I now use my phone with the insane speakerphone as though it were made of glass because apparently my big man hands break phones like paper drinking cups.

Side note: Paper Drinking Cups are AWESOME. And yes, I use that in the right terminology. They inspire Awe. Whose awe? Mine! It’s a cup, made of PAPER and you drink liquid FROM THE CUP. And it doesn’t turn into paper-mache for your hand! How cool is that! I find it amazing someone sat down on day reading the newspaper say, and thought “my my I sure am thirsty I dare say, jolly whatnot” because he was obviously British and from about 1920. “I do wonder if I could make a cup out of something in this house whatnot, seeing as I am not having any jolly good drinking mugs or tea cups having suffered some thievery by a tea drinking mug stealing hooligan” (Side Side Note: Yes, these were quite prevalent in London 1920 something to do with a Tea party in Boston but everyone getting the memo late) “I dare say, I could use this newspaper to make a cup!”

And while THAT particular attempt ended in the invention of paper-mache, later ones yielded the ever AWESOME paper cup. Right up there with Cement Canoes, and those crazy ankle socks from the 80’s (I think they are swanky, and Toes Socks are just cheating so they are not mentioned in this blog, other than now.) I was actually talking to some Engineers at work who had a sort of class project/competition where they had to make a boat out of cardboard and duct tape and make it across a lake. Now I have to wonder about this. Why? Cause it is CARDBOARD. Nature’s sponge. I can’t imagine that working. I can imagine a canoe out of cement, cause, well, cement is kinda kick ass. And if I stretch my mind a bit, I can even imagine a canoe out of duck tape ONLY, but out of cardboard and duck tape? Not so much. Hell if you had a cardboard box on the deck of a cruise ship or battle liner I would depart, cause cardboard near water is worse than a black cat crossing your path. (Incidentally, what happens if you cross a black cat’s path? Do you get good luck? Does nothing happen? Or do the sheer laws of luck-osity reverse completely and the bad luck potential is thrust back the other way along whatever luck particle space-time string connects you and the cat, and due to the difference in potentials “IE. I think a person can get up to a lot worse luck than a cat, and besides that, we’re bigger” does the massive back throw of anti-luck cause the cat to A) Explode or B) Win the Lottery or nay even C) Turn into a Duck spontaneously (cause by Jove it had to happen somewhere) As in the immortal words of that guy who narrated Mr. Owl “The world may never know”

MAN I got off topic. Where was I (cats – Paper Canoes – some British guy – cups – cell phones) Ah yes cell phones! I do not like them. I remember when good ol mummy and daddy invested in cell phones for my brother and I, but my parents have always been a little on the thrifty side, so needless to say circa 1991 we had some of the first cell phones, the big clunking beasts that if you crossed a radio tower zone screeched at you before re-initializing (hence my bad hearing out of one ear and many a brash attempt to hurtle the phone out of the car window) and we proceeded to use these phones for almost a DECADE. You got it, people rocking out on their razors and nearly their I-Phones and I’m beating muggers to death with the Zack Morris cell phone. So hence, my hatred of cell phones started early. It grew when we “upgraded” and yes this requires “quotes” but I’m not “quoting” “quotes” those are just “example” “quotes” except for when I just “quoted” “example”, that was just a “mistake”….. and so what “that”….and that. There we go.

Anyway, me no likey cell phones. When we “upgraded” we did so to that really piss ass cheap free phone that comes with a new plan, the one they give away free cause it is cheaper than finding some other way of disposing of them. Yea. I had a brief stint owning a cell phone by Suncom I think it was. I actually liked it, had my own plan and everything. Then they went out of business. I’d say the way of the Dinosaur, but I do not think that when a meteor crushed THEM to death that they were really mulling over the state of their finances.

Onward! Little “get back on track motivational” for myself there. But yes, I do not like cell phones. Until now I have never had one that I could ever successfully charge. Charging a cell phone puts me in mind of using the old school Nintendo where you blow in the cartridge, insert it three times turn the system upside down and then turn in a circle on one foot. (Hey, we all had out little ceremonies, but ask any guy most of that is spot on. Especially if you had the Game Genie, aka the Nintendo slayer). But yes, while owing one of my cell phones I would actually blow into the charge slot, suck on the electrical plug, insert the plug THEN plug it into the wall, then turn the whole thing on it’s face very slowly so I could make sure the charge took, and I would do this about 5 times a night. THAT phone got broken in half once I secured my new phone at the time. However my new phone was a razor and I kind of whish I had kept the Nintendo style one.

I also like hacking my phones cause I like putting my own ringtones on them. I found this website: http://www.zedge.net/download/

It is the BOMB for downloading ringtones. I got Protoman from Megaman videogame (nerd reference, if you don’t get it feel proud) and the Willy Wonka Whistle for Summoning Oompa Loompas sound, and the Stewie from Family guy “Mom mom mom mummy mummy mummy etc” long as hell quote now gone ringtone. It is a good site. But I like putting my own ringtones on my phone for the three or four people who call me, cause the ones that come on the phone make me A) Hate Everything or B) Make me wish I was deaf, and also hate everything. But is irks me to no end that the cell phone companies try to corner the market and make you buy ringtones. This is re-stupid. (My new favorite not-word, retarded and stupid put together, I feel it to be a much more fulfilling insult) But yes, cause they don’t make ringtones I like, all tinny and kind of make you want to dance though you don’t know why, but they are terrible and I can’t get personal ones without paying bank and on top of that the ones I like are oblique and they don’t have them either. I mean, I LIKE having the Legend of Zelda “you just found a secret” or “you just bought something neat and you can’t wait to try it out” noises for my text messages. It makes me feel like I just “bought something neat and you can’t wait to try it out” or “found a secret passage using a bomb, but why you have a bomb I have no idea” about three to four times a day. It is a warm… fuzzy feeling.

So I hack my phones. Oh, word of advice I would mention to people. If you break your phone, but in a non-obvious way, i.e. a Touch Screen like “I did” (which I didn’t, F-U Verizon) then do the following. It’s Simple. Ready?
Break it so much it doesn’t turn on.
TA DA! If it doesn’t turn on then it falls under the warranty of something internal or softwareish preventing it from working, and you get a new one under your warranty. Just back up your numbers first.

But that last thing, or the first thing I suppose, that I had INTENDED to talk about, is who answers their cell phone. I mean, I like to think I always answer my phone as long as I hear it, which is basically all the time except if I am rocking out to some turns while driving and just don’t. But I have to say, I have the utmost respect for people who answer their phones all the time, but no one does! My wife doesn’t EVER answer her phone. I would say…. 25% of the time. And I mean it’s okay, I know she works, but she usually just leaves it somewhere, like in her car or tied to a balloon or something. Mine is always in my pocket. That is what a cell phone is FOR! You should always be ready to answer I think. But no one is. I mean my dad doesn’t but he’s at work, so that is okay. That and he is a little deaf so I give him a break on that account too. He actually has the alarm set on his watch for whatever reason back in the day, but doesn’t know how to turn it off, but on top of that, can’t hear it when it goes off. It drives my mom up the wall when he is just walking around as happy as can be completely oblivious to the fact that his watch has been going off for about the last 20 minutes. I think it just makes him easy to find when he’s wandering around the house. But like I said, excused for not answering. My brother is notorious for not answering. Except when he is at work, where, frankly I feel anything is more entertaining than work, so he picks up. But needless to say, everyone has their niche where you can catch them, and everyone is by and large bad about picking up their phone. Except one person.

Mom. She will ALWAYSE answer her phone. I will call, and she will answer, and start chatting, and I’ll ask where she is. I have gotten some of the following great answers:
-I’m at a restaurant ordering (glad to know I come before the waiter)
-I jumped out of the shower (You’re a trooper!)
-I’m at the Gym (Ha!)
-I’m in a Class at the Gym (Ha Ha!)
-I’m in Class at school (Stick it to the Man!)
-I’m on a boat fishing (No holds Barred!)
-I’m just driving (She is Female)
-I’m in the garden gardening (makes me feel like I’m helping)
and my all time favorite
-I’m in Puerto Rico. (Oh Mom, you crazy Gel.)

Now if I can only get her to stop sending me Spam Emails.

CONCLUDED!