Things to not know and confuse me be.

First I shall Start with a Rebuttal!

Markus D. Shark has accused my last blog of the following:

“What the heck? You didn't state your thesis in the first paragraph arguing a position on why cellphones should have lasers built in, nor did you even come close to mentioning the word "laser" for the entire entry! No matter the type of laser used (to harm, to techno dance to, to point [at bikini zones], to remove unwanted hair [in aforementioned bikini zones]) I just don't see why you would want it on a cellphone. To you, Sir, I must say this word, which just so happens to be underneath this comment box in wiggly form: BETHE! WHATEVER THAT MEANS! GOOD DAY!”

And so I shall respond! A laser on a cell phone shall have many uses. First off the laser should be positioned on the bottom of the phone, to avoid being shot in the eyes:
Second, the laser, will not be of high power nor caliber, or the following might occur.



Instead the laser shall be on the bottom of the phone, and of low caliber and be of uses as follows. Lazerpointer, and kitty laser. Kitty laser you say! Yes kitty laser. Few things in the world annoy me more than the cat going to town meowing his face off while I am on the phone. So now you can talk on the phone and the cat can be distracted! As so:



But remember to use a low power laser.



Now on to the blog!

You know it always intrigues me as to what people do and do not know. Cause sometimes stuff is just too obvious to even see, or people just screen it out, or in the most amusing case it just isn’t true but television has taught us that is how it is. How many people do you think have snorted pepper only to find that they not, as they had expected, sneezing, but are in fact, screaming in agony. Seriously?! You just snorted pepper, what the crap did you think was going to happen?? Also, mice DON’T eat cheese. How many places have mice infestations because they bait their traps with cheese circa Tom and Jerry Style? Mice can’t digest cheese, it kills them. Let’s see, what other interesting revelations do I know. I mean there are your stupid ones like you park on a driveway and drive in a parkway hur hur hur Stupid! But how about this, I may have mentioned it in an earlier blog but it deserves recounting. Our favorite show of all times, the one we all think about in our head non-stop: http://graphjam.com/2009/01/28/what-is-running-through-my-head-at-work/

Yes, the Gummy Bears. This lovable children’s cartoon is NOT in fact about a group of lovable bears who grow berries in the woods and combine the berries in a special way to make Gummy Berry Juice that allows them to “Bounce Here and There and Everywhere” and proverbially fight crime. NO! This is in fact a story about a bunch of bears who run a vineyard and get tanked 24/7 and fight crime WASTED. Think about it. It brought a tear to my eye when I realized one of my favorite shows had been decimated like that.

And it is ESPECIALLY prevalent in kids’ shows. Think about it, they write them with innuendoes and under the radar concepts that kids can’t hope to understand but parents will laugh and laugh and be amazed while they watch the shows with their kids. I recall having nothing better to do a couple years back and watched a show called “Read Between the Lions” great pun isn’t it? And that is how the show ran. It had little mini shows like “Wayne’s Word” does in a Wayne’s World style. But that isn’t the half of it. It had RIDICULOUS innuendoes. I can’t remember half of them, but one of the running sections through the episode was this librarian CHOKING A CHICKEN. Yes, she was ACTUALLY chocking a chicken. And they kept saying things like “Oh that crazy librarian, always going off somewhere and Choking Someone’s Chicken.” I sit there watching that and just think, “Did that just ACTUALLY HAPPPEN????”
Needless to say, wow.

But there are a lot of things people just don’t know, or screen out. Hell, one of the crazies I used to date…. Well, I have to start this story right. I was explaining how the Moon rotates around the earth at such a speed and with such a rotation that we only ever see one side of it, hence the concept of the man in the moon cause that is the face we see. And it was during this conversation that it was revealed to me and I figured out, that this girl believed, and not in any religious way, simply in an 'I never thought to ask' way, that the SUN rotated around the EARTH. And let me tell you when I figured this out I made fun of her, and she got PISSED. Oh memories of crazy people, how you make me check I haven’t peed myself in terror.

Anyway. Another one I personally LOVE. Dieting. Some of the BEST BEST BEST advertising had been done in sections like dieting that are re-stupid! How about this one. 99% fat Free. Sounds pretty good don’t it? I mean, hell, you can feel those pounds just slip away. But you wanna know what it really says? It SAYS, that 99% of the object as a whole isn’t FAT. That is basically, oh I don’t know, EVERYTHING. Minus butter. So, if you have been eating sticks of butter for snacks this is probably a good diet for you. But I mean, you take something, slap a retarded label on it that simply says something about how it already is, and people are like “hot damn! I gotta have that!” The show Mad Men did something similar, where a guy pitched selling cigarettes as being “tobacco that is slow roasted” or something, which was how everyone made it at the time, they just decided to tell people cause it made it sound like candy to their lungs.

Oh advertising, how you amuse me and utterly utterly enrage me. And I say so cause if you have ever had to pump gas where you put your card in, start to pump and then the pump itself starts to SCREAM at you, yes SCREAAAM using one of those damned television screens, then you want to just start spraying the pump with gasoline and light a match. I do NOT know why the first advert they will put on there is the loudest most annoying one and almost 99% of the time done by somone outrageously loud female. Baffled. And you CAN’T turn it off! That I hate. There was some talk awhile back about how the “genius of advertising” who came up with the gas pump idea had come up with another multi billion dollar idea for forcing advertising down peoples throats. Parking spots. More specifically those lines that separate them. The idea was to put advertisements ON THE PARKING LINES. I’m not going to lie, but I think a lot of people will start parking in such a way as to cover the lines if that happens. And also, re-stupid again.
I came up with an idea that I thought would be a great way to force advertising down peoples throats (And I’m copywriting it right here so it can’t be stolen!) But here is the principle. Have you ever driven on a road where the pavement has been stripped and is just a series of lines / ridges running in the direction you are driving? And it will create a humming in your car as you drive on it because it is using your car and the road like a record and a needle/diaphragm. I think you can see where this is going. An advertisement you CAN NOT turn off, and that plays while you drive. Yep. You got it. I am proposing to turn the ENTIRE ROAD INTO A RECORD. And while it may not play out as solid as we would like, i.e. A voice saying “buy lots of K-Y” it could most likely suffice to play a tune on a borderline subconscious level. Think about it, you are driving along and it just KEEPS PLAYING that jerk-off as crap song by Mc Donald’s (worst place on earth) with the “I’m lovin it” tune (I’m hating it like Herpes on my Cat) And all you can do, all you can THINK is “I gotta eat my some McDonalds” except for that one guy from Sweden for whom the tune is for a tampax commercial, and he is later hospitalized for…. Physical Trauma. But I mean, do that, and the WORLD will become fat, and only the people on public transportation will be spared.

What a world we live in. And Americans are FAT! I only say this because I am working up to it. I mean, in restaurants they try to sell you food because they want to make money. And this makes you fat. I mean it sounds obvious, but it is even more devious than that. Think about it.
You are at a restaurant. You sit down; waitress comes over and says hi. She says stuff you order an appetizer and sodas. She leaves. But let… me … slow… that… down for you and replay.
She probably said something like this: “How are you doing today, can I interest you in one of our DELICIOUS appetizers. We have a FABULOUS blah blah, and an AMAZING blah blah on SPECIAL today.” “What would you like to drink, we have Coke, Diet Coke, Iced Tea beer blah blah blah.”

She just hinted at and sold you more food to get more money and now you are FAT. I usually go with a water and suddenly I have an appetizer because it was DELICIOUS and on Special. Let us continue.

You are eating, and you order food she suggests, and the portions are huge cause the LAST thing they want is you going away un-stuffed as crap, because we have been taught that THAT is the trademark of a good restaurant. Only worth going back to if you are as stuffed as CRAP.
Then you finish and suddenly she is there again, and your plates are GONE! It is like f-ing magic!! And that is because they bus that stuff so you can’t TELL HOW MUCH YOU ATE. You are getting visibly tricked into thinking you have room you don’t have. Then you order desert so they can get more money, and you are now a big ol fatty. It’s a strategy to make you buy more to give a bigger tip.

This isn’t the case in other countries cause they actually get paid a real salary. Hence they don’t feel the need to push food on you for the eventual tip that will ensue. Craziness.
Man I’m picking up halfway through after getting off work and riding the train back home, and I’m feeling drastically unmotivated. If the train breaks down again though and then I would find myself quite motivated. (Yes it broke down and left me and many other commuters stranded for about an hour, and they were all very nice about it, I mean I could tell they were unhappy but it was a very waspy unhappy, hinting to the fact that they wouldn’t say a peep until they got home and told their wife with many a big frown about their day)

So maybe I shall sign off today with this short blog and if I think of something else I will add it. And if I get caught for having forgot to validate my ticket I will stab the world in the face as I am thrown from the train.

TO BE CONTINUED!