I really do need to work on my timing. I hate how I let my blogs laps and then can’t recall when it was I have already written. Well, tis been a busy couple of weeks so I shall try to summarize effectively. Work is going well, we have moved on from Kindergarten style drawing and team building to learning about laws and patents and all the other good bits that make up the organization. Little intimidating, especially since so many people there are rocking PhDs and multiple masters and have the ability to lift stuff with their mind and here I ma rocking out a degree in film. HA! But I am holding my own. So all in all the job is good, got paid, always a pleasing thing to see more money in your bank account than you started with. But the commute. Oh… well, there I may have a couple more issues.
Aside from the fact that the train has broken down and we had to be pushed to the next stop like some sort of railroad ferry, it hasn’t had too many spontaneous troubles. But something I’ve come to notice, and sadly, partake in, is the run. Yes… the RUN. Let me set the stage for you. I arrive in the morning, a little on the early side so as to get a decent spot to park, then wander over to the train, validate my ticket and board. Nothing too messy, and I often get a seat on the second floor of the train with a view. Pleasant all around minus the fact that at 5:15 in the morning my breath crystallizes on the air. But on the way back…. I will board the train, and if lucky get a seat. Sometimes, as I did last day, I had to hike through EVERY CAR. This was because any conductor seeing me, and no not the one who waves around a little stick with an orchestra behind him, which I admit would be pleasant and would also accurately explain the lack of seating, but no, the kind who tells you you can’t stand on the train, would see me and “inform me” and I say it with quotes because it was a damned lie, that there were seats in the front car. Now THAT was a long sentence. But anyway, I would nod, and then hike HIKE across 10 cars to the front car, falling on people as I go because, well it IS a train. And then not find a seat. So sad. But anyway, we will say I managed to squeeze in on a seat somewhere. Now I pull out my laptop and watch a show (pleasing situation, albeit a little weird when I feel like people next to me only ever happen to glance over when there is a sex scene or little cartoon characters dying or something equally in need of explanation). But then about 15 minutes out from my stop, a person will get up and stand next to the train door. Then another. About this time I get the hint and go stand too. And everyone “tightens down”, meaning they zip up coats, tighten belts, harness weapons, and grip keyboards tightly. Then the train pulls into the stop, with the gears of the brakes a twangin. You can feel the suspense, the tension. Then the doors open…. And the RUN happens. Now I think the easiest way to explain this is in two parts. Part 1) There is only 1 exit from the parking lot, and it goes to a traffic light, so in essence it is VERY easy to get stuck getting out onto the main road. And Part 2) Have you ever seen the intro to the Drew Carry show where everyone is running through the streets flailing and panicking? Yea, it’s kind of like that. The doors open and everyone takes that one step off the train and GOES. I have never seen so many middle-aged men and women get all their exercise for the day in one go. I mean there are a couple who just I would assume, don’t want to go home so they walk EXTRA slow, and so the rest are ducking and weaving around them to get down the platform but when they hit that open parking lot they are just a blur of speed and a dot on the horizon running to their cars, leaping in, slamming the door and peeling out. And this isn’t just a couple people, this is EVERYONE. And on occasion I have had to park out on the street when the lot has been REALLY full, but the problem with this is that there is no way to get out into traffic on the street while everyone is piling out of the parking lot, so on those rare occasions where I have had to park there I had to HAUL ASS. I would run, be sweating and speed up to my door, while glancing behind me to see the first car coming around the corner that would block me in, and horror movie style trying to get the key into the lock, and then leaping in and peeling out with many a fearful glance at the monsters behind me. It is ridiculous, and retarded. And so that is the more… unusual part of my day every day.
But other than that life has been good. Got to go “skiing” and then later skiing. “Skiing” being where I went snowshoeing and Snowshoe resort and when I say Snowshoeing I mean we asked the people working AT-SNOWSHOE-RESORT and they said they did not do any Snowshoeing there. Riiiight. Well, we decided they were retarded and went and found the train anyway and hiked it through deep snow Eskimo style. So, Boo Snowshoe resort because they don’t even know what they have for stuff. We also tried tubing there and it was very not good at all. You would slide a good ten feet then stop because they had turned off the snow makers about 3 weeks before. This is January mind you. Bravo Snowshoe, bravo.
But then last weekend we went to Wisp snow resort in MD. And while I have Maryland with a burning passion of a thousand suns I am willing to grant that there may be a small oasis for the wandering adventurer in that wasteland, called Wisp Ski Resort. They had their shit together and while it was the most crowded weekend of the year for some competitiony thing, they rocked out and were easy and fun to use. Got to ski for real, and I don’t horribly suck. Only ate it a few times. Taught the wife to ski, and she got good quick. But I would like to sum up the one flaw of that weekend as follows:
Ski Rental: $50
Lift Ticket: $45
Ski Lessons: $10
Running over a bunch of retarded snowboarders who whenever they fall down feel obligated to make snow angels in the middle of the slope: Priceless.
Yes, I don’t know why, but every snowboarder feels obligated to ritualistically sit down in the middle of the track for about a half an hour at a go. A few skiers too, but man, there were lot of people just, sittin on the slopes. I was watching the black diamond trails from the ski lift and watching snow boarders chugging along, stop, and sit down in the middle to hang. And this is a black diamond, aka one of these \ and sometimes one of these | and people would fly at them and have to fly into the trees to avoid. So odd.
But all in all a good weekend, but now I have a cold as I work my 9 hour days, yes 9 hours. We have a 9-9-9-9-8 / 9-9-9-9-off bi-week for some reason so basically I work long hours then suffer alone every other Friday cause I have nothing to do. Oh well. So with my sniffles I blog. I wish I had more to discuss, and I am sure I do. Let us select something from the blog bag shall we!
HA! This was something I came up with I thought I would mention:
“Yep, that’s what I do when I find someone injured or stabbed or whatever. I either yell at them, or scream for no real apparent reason.” Oh TV how you portray us.
Ooh, here was an interesting idea. Objective, create a crack team of people to complete missions of the utmost difficulty and danger, comprised solely… of real life people from television. Now this can be actors, or reality TV people. Who do you pick?
Here is my selection:
Recruit Number 1: Mr. Wizard
Placement: Science and Arson
Reason for choice: We need someone who knows the ins and outs of the chemical world, who can assist the team in a scientific capacity and aid in any way possible.
Recruit Number 2: Mr. Rodgers (Deceased)
Placement: Military expertise and infiltration expert.
Mr. Rodgers the man was a Green Beret and hence one of the most deadly men on the screen. Additionally he can infiltrate any locale using his skills at acting and his excessively likeable and calm persona. But, you may ask, isn’t he dead? Well, that is what Mr. Wizard is for. Say hello to Zombie Mr. Rodgers.
Recruit Number 3: 2005 Winning Team of the Robot Fighting Competition.
Placement: Science and research and armament.
Reason for choice: They build great big fighting robots. Need I explain further?
Recruit Number 4: Crocodile Hunter (Deceased)
Placement: Animal Handling, and Wilderness Survival
Reason for choice: We needed someone capable of taking the team through the harshest of conditions and surviving on nothing. And while we could employ Mr. Wizard to rejuvenate the Croc Hunter we found it in our best interest to take the Million Dollar Man approach and this employed the Robot Fighting Competition team to rebuild him, bigger, better, faster, and to spend just enough money. He is now Cyborg Crocodile Hunter.
Recruit Number 5: York (Not Born Yet)
Placement: Muscle
Reason for Choice: The yet to be grandchild of Mr. T and Hulk Hogan, this slightly ethnic monstrosity will be brought back in time to be the muscle, nay, they TON of muscle and badassery of the group, with many a witty PG retort to keep the team motivated and on track.
Recruit Number 6: That guy from the chimney sweep song.
Placement: Acting and showmanship.
Reason for choice: As Disney, Guys and Dolls, and any number of Musical Turned Movie has taught us… sometimes certain fights can only be won through song and dance. And so we wanted the best.
And so it is it with this crack team that we defend the world from horrors unknown, battling back the darkness in the sky, but also in peoples hearts. Our team will work without pause to keep this world safe, for they are…. Team SuperAwesome.
And Out!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Things to not know and confuse me be.
First I shall Start with a Rebuttal!
Markus D. Shark has accused my last blog of the following:
“What the heck? You didn't state your thesis in the first paragraph arguing a position on why cellphones should have lasers built in, nor did you even come close to mentioning the word "laser" for the entire entry! No matter the type of laser used (to harm, to techno dance to, to point [at bikini zones], to remove unwanted hair [in aforementioned bikini zones]) I just don't see why you would want it on a cellphone. To you, Sir, I must say this word, which just so happens to be underneath this comment box in wiggly form: BETHE! WHATEVER THAT MEANS! GOOD DAY!”
And so I shall respond! A laser on a cell phone shall have many uses. First off the laser should be positioned on the bottom of the phone, to avoid being shot in the eyes:
Second, the laser, will not be of high power nor caliber, or the following might occur.
Instead the laser shall be on the bottom of the phone, and of low caliber and be of uses as follows. Lazerpointer, and kitty laser. Kitty laser you say! Yes kitty laser. Few things in the world annoy me more than the cat going to town meowing his face off while I am on the phone. So now you can talk on the phone and the cat can be distracted! As so:
But remember to use a low power laser.
Now on to the blog!
You know it always intrigues me as to what people do and do not know. Cause sometimes stuff is just too obvious to even see, or people just screen it out, or in the most amusing case it just isn’t true but television has taught us that is how it is. How many people do you think have snorted pepper only to find that they not, as they had expected, sneezing, but are in fact, screaming in agony. Seriously?! You just snorted pepper, what the crap did you think was going to happen?? Also, mice DON’T eat cheese. How many places have mice infestations because they bait their traps with cheese circa Tom and Jerry Style? Mice can’t digest cheese, it kills them. Let’s see, what other interesting revelations do I know. I mean there are your stupid ones like you park on a driveway and drive in a parkway hur hur hur Stupid! But how about this, I may have mentioned it in an earlier blog but it deserves recounting. Our favorite show of all times, the one we all think about in our head non-stop: http://graphjam.com/2009/01/28/what-is-running-through-my-head-at-work/
Yes, the Gummy Bears. This lovable children’s cartoon is NOT in fact about a group of lovable bears who grow berries in the woods and combine the berries in a special way to make Gummy Berry Juice that allows them to “Bounce Here and There and Everywhere” and proverbially fight crime. NO! This is in fact a story about a bunch of bears who run a vineyard and get tanked 24/7 and fight crime WASTED. Think about it. It brought a tear to my eye when I realized one of my favorite shows had been decimated like that.
And it is ESPECIALLY prevalent in kids’ shows. Think about it, they write them with innuendoes and under the radar concepts that kids can’t hope to understand but parents will laugh and laugh and be amazed while they watch the shows with their kids. I recall having nothing better to do a couple years back and watched a show called “Read Between the Lions” great pun isn’t it? And that is how the show ran. It had little mini shows like “Wayne’s Word” does in a Wayne’s World style. But that isn’t the half of it. It had RIDICULOUS innuendoes. I can’t remember half of them, but one of the running sections through the episode was this librarian CHOKING A CHICKEN. Yes, she was ACTUALLY chocking a chicken. And they kept saying things like “Oh that crazy librarian, always going off somewhere and Choking Someone’s Chicken.” I sit there watching that and just think, “Did that just ACTUALLY HAPPPEN????”
Needless to say, wow.
But there are a lot of things people just don’t know, or screen out. Hell, one of the crazies I used to date…. Well, I have to start this story right. I was explaining how the Moon rotates around the earth at such a speed and with such a rotation that we only ever see one side of it, hence the concept of the man in the moon cause that is the face we see. And it was during this conversation that it was revealed to me and I figured out, that this girl believed, and not in any religious way, simply in an 'I never thought to ask' way, that the SUN rotated around the EARTH. And let me tell you when I figured this out I made fun of her, and she got PISSED. Oh memories of crazy people, how you make me check I haven’t peed myself in terror.
Anyway. Another one I personally LOVE. Dieting. Some of the BEST BEST BEST advertising had been done in sections like dieting that are re-stupid! How about this one. 99% fat Free. Sounds pretty good don’t it? I mean, hell, you can feel those pounds just slip away. But you wanna know what it really says? It SAYS, that 99% of the object as a whole isn’t FAT. That is basically, oh I don’t know, EVERYTHING. Minus butter. So, if you have been eating sticks of butter for snacks this is probably a good diet for you. But I mean, you take something, slap a retarded label on it that simply says something about how it already is, and people are like “hot damn! I gotta have that!” The show Mad Men did something similar, where a guy pitched selling cigarettes as being “tobacco that is slow roasted” or something, which was how everyone made it at the time, they just decided to tell people cause it made it sound like candy to their lungs.
Oh advertising, how you amuse me and utterly utterly enrage me. And I say so cause if you have ever had to pump gas where you put your card in, start to pump and then the pump itself starts to SCREAM at you, yes SCREAAAM using one of those damned television screens, then you want to just start spraying the pump with gasoline and light a match. I do NOT know why the first advert they will put on there is the loudest most annoying one and almost 99% of the time done by somone outrageously loud female. Baffled. And you CAN’T turn it off! That I hate. There was some talk awhile back about how the “genius of advertising” who came up with the gas pump idea had come up with another multi billion dollar idea for forcing advertising down peoples throats. Parking spots. More specifically those lines that separate them. The idea was to put advertisements ON THE PARKING LINES. I’m not going to lie, but I think a lot of people will start parking in such a way as to cover the lines if that happens. And also, re-stupid again.
I came up with an idea that I thought would be a great way to force advertising down peoples throats (And I’m copywriting it right here so it can’t be stolen!) But here is the principle. Have you ever driven on a road where the pavement has been stripped and is just a series of lines / ridges running in the direction you are driving? And it will create a humming in your car as you drive on it because it is using your car and the road like a record and a needle/diaphragm. I think you can see where this is going. An advertisement you CAN NOT turn off, and that plays while you drive. Yep. You got it. I am proposing to turn the ENTIRE ROAD INTO A RECORD. And while it may not play out as solid as we would like, i.e. A voice saying “buy lots of K-Y” it could most likely suffice to play a tune on a borderline subconscious level. Think about it, you are driving along and it just KEEPS PLAYING that jerk-off as crap song by Mc Donald’s (worst place on earth) with the “I’m lovin it” tune (I’m hating it like Herpes on my Cat) And all you can do, all you can THINK is “I gotta eat my some McDonalds” except for that one guy from Sweden for whom the tune is for a tampax commercial, and he is later hospitalized for…. Physical Trauma. But I mean, do that, and the WORLD will become fat, and only the people on public transportation will be spared.
What a world we live in. And Americans are FAT! I only say this because I am working up to it. I mean, in restaurants they try to sell you food because they want to make money. And this makes you fat. I mean it sounds obvious, but it is even more devious than that. Think about it.
You are at a restaurant. You sit down; waitress comes over and says hi. She says stuff you order an appetizer and sodas. She leaves. But let… me … slow… that… down for you and replay.
She probably said something like this: “How are you doing today, can I interest you in one of our DELICIOUS appetizers. We have a FABULOUS blah blah, and an AMAZING blah blah on SPECIAL today.” “What would you like to drink, we have Coke, Diet Coke, Iced Tea beer blah blah blah.”
She just hinted at and sold you more food to get more money and now you are FAT. I usually go with a water and suddenly I have an appetizer because it was DELICIOUS and on Special. Let us continue.
You are eating, and you order food she suggests, and the portions are huge cause the LAST thing they want is you going away un-stuffed as crap, because we have been taught that THAT is the trademark of a good restaurant. Only worth going back to if you are as stuffed as CRAP.
Then you finish and suddenly she is there again, and your plates are GONE! It is like f-ing magic!! And that is because they bus that stuff so you can’t TELL HOW MUCH YOU ATE. You are getting visibly tricked into thinking you have room you don’t have. Then you order desert so they can get more money, and you are now a big ol fatty. It’s a strategy to make you buy more to give a bigger tip.
This isn’t the case in other countries cause they actually get paid a real salary. Hence they don’t feel the need to push food on you for the eventual tip that will ensue. Craziness.
Man I’m picking up halfway through after getting off work and riding the train back home, and I’m feeling drastically unmotivated. If the train breaks down again though and then I would find myself quite motivated. (Yes it broke down and left me and many other commuters stranded for about an hour, and they were all very nice about it, I mean I could tell they were unhappy but it was a very waspy unhappy, hinting to the fact that they wouldn’t say a peep until they got home and told their wife with many a big frown about their day)
So maybe I shall sign off today with this short blog and if I think of something else I will add it. And if I get caught for having forgot to validate my ticket I will stab the world in the face as I am thrown from the train.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Markus D. Shark has accused my last blog of the following:
“What the heck? You didn't state your thesis in the first paragraph arguing a position on why cellphones should have lasers built in, nor did you even come close to mentioning the word "laser" for the entire entry! No matter the type of laser used (to harm, to techno dance to, to point [at bikini zones], to remove unwanted hair [in aforementioned bikini zones]) I just don't see why you would want it on a cellphone. To you, Sir, I must say this word, which just so happens to be underneath this comment box in wiggly form: BETHE! WHATEVER THAT MEANS! GOOD DAY!”
And so I shall respond! A laser on a cell phone shall have many uses. First off the laser should be positioned on the bottom of the phone, to avoid being shot in the eyes:
Second, the laser, will not be of high power nor caliber, or the following might occur.
Instead the laser shall be on the bottom of the phone, and of low caliber and be of uses as follows. Lazerpointer, and kitty laser. Kitty laser you say! Yes kitty laser. Few things in the world annoy me more than the cat going to town meowing his face off while I am on the phone. So now you can talk on the phone and the cat can be distracted! As so:
But remember to use a low power laser.
Now on to the blog!
You know it always intrigues me as to what people do and do not know. Cause sometimes stuff is just too obvious to even see, or people just screen it out, or in the most amusing case it just isn’t true but television has taught us that is how it is. How many people do you think have snorted pepper only to find that they not, as they had expected, sneezing, but are in fact, screaming in agony. Seriously?! You just snorted pepper, what the crap did you think was going to happen?? Also, mice DON’T eat cheese. How many places have mice infestations because they bait their traps with cheese circa Tom and Jerry Style? Mice can’t digest cheese, it kills them. Let’s see, what other interesting revelations do I know. I mean there are your stupid ones like you park on a driveway and drive in a parkway hur hur hur Stupid! But how about this, I may have mentioned it in an earlier blog but it deserves recounting. Our favorite show of all times, the one we all think about in our head non-stop: http://graphjam.com/2009/01/28/what-is-running-through-my-head-at-work/
Yes, the Gummy Bears. This lovable children’s cartoon is NOT in fact about a group of lovable bears who grow berries in the woods and combine the berries in a special way to make Gummy Berry Juice that allows them to “Bounce Here and There and Everywhere” and proverbially fight crime. NO! This is in fact a story about a bunch of bears who run a vineyard and get tanked 24/7 and fight crime WASTED. Think about it. It brought a tear to my eye when I realized one of my favorite shows had been decimated like that.
And it is ESPECIALLY prevalent in kids’ shows. Think about it, they write them with innuendoes and under the radar concepts that kids can’t hope to understand but parents will laugh and laugh and be amazed while they watch the shows with their kids. I recall having nothing better to do a couple years back and watched a show called “Read Between the Lions” great pun isn’t it? And that is how the show ran. It had little mini shows like “Wayne’s Word” does in a Wayne’s World style. But that isn’t the half of it. It had RIDICULOUS innuendoes. I can’t remember half of them, but one of the running sections through the episode was this librarian CHOKING A CHICKEN. Yes, she was ACTUALLY chocking a chicken. And they kept saying things like “Oh that crazy librarian, always going off somewhere and Choking Someone’s Chicken.” I sit there watching that and just think, “Did that just ACTUALLY HAPPPEN????”
Needless to say, wow.
But there are a lot of things people just don’t know, or screen out. Hell, one of the crazies I used to date…. Well, I have to start this story right. I was explaining how the Moon rotates around the earth at such a speed and with such a rotation that we only ever see one side of it, hence the concept of the man in the moon cause that is the face we see. And it was during this conversation that it was revealed to me and I figured out, that this girl believed, and not in any religious way, simply in an 'I never thought to ask' way, that the SUN rotated around the EARTH. And let me tell you when I figured this out I made fun of her, and she got PISSED. Oh memories of crazy people, how you make me check I haven’t peed myself in terror.
Anyway. Another one I personally LOVE. Dieting. Some of the BEST BEST BEST advertising had been done in sections like dieting that are re-stupid! How about this one. 99% fat Free. Sounds pretty good don’t it? I mean, hell, you can feel those pounds just slip away. But you wanna know what it really says? It SAYS, that 99% of the object as a whole isn’t FAT. That is basically, oh I don’t know, EVERYTHING. Minus butter. So, if you have been eating sticks of butter for snacks this is probably a good diet for you. But I mean, you take something, slap a retarded label on it that simply says something about how it already is, and people are like “hot damn! I gotta have that!” The show Mad Men did something similar, where a guy pitched selling cigarettes as being “tobacco that is slow roasted” or something, which was how everyone made it at the time, they just decided to tell people cause it made it sound like candy to their lungs.
Oh advertising, how you amuse me and utterly utterly enrage me. And I say so cause if you have ever had to pump gas where you put your card in, start to pump and then the pump itself starts to SCREAM at you, yes SCREAAAM using one of those damned television screens, then you want to just start spraying the pump with gasoline and light a match. I do NOT know why the first advert they will put on there is the loudest most annoying one and almost 99% of the time done by somone outrageously loud female. Baffled. And you CAN’T turn it off! That I hate. There was some talk awhile back about how the “genius of advertising” who came up with the gas pump idea had come up with another multi billion dollar idea for forcing advertising down peoples throats. Parking spots. More specifically those lines that separate them. The idea was to put advertisements ON THE PARKING LINES. I’m not going to lie, but I think a lot of people will start parking in such a way as to cover the lines if that happens. And also, re-stupid again.
I came up with an idea that I thought would be a great way to force advertising down peoples throats (And I’m copywriting it right here so it can’t be stolen!) But here is the principle. Have you ever driven on a road where the pavement has been stripped and is just a series of lines / ridges running in the direction you are driving? And it will create a humming in your car as you drive on it because it is using your car and the road like a record and a needle/diaphragm. I think you can see where this is going. An advertisement you CAN NOT turn off, and that plays while you drive. Yep. You got it. I am proposing to turn the ENTIRE ROAD INTO A RECORD. And while it may not play out as solid as we would like, i.e. A voice saying “buy lots of K-Y” it could most likely suffice to play a tune on a borderline subconscious level. Think about it, you are driving along and it just KEEPS PLAYING that jerk-off as crap song by Mc Donald’s (worst place on earth) with the “I’m lovin it” tune (I’m hating it like Herpes on my Cat) And all you can do, all you can THINK is “I gotta eat my some McDonalds” except for that one guy from Sweden for whom the tune is for a tampax commercial, and he is later hospitalized for…. Physical Trauma. But I mean, do that, and the WORLD will become fat, and only the people on public transportation will be spared.
What a world we live in. And Americans are FAT! I only say this because I am working up to it. I mean, in restaurants they try to sell you food because they want to make money. And this makes you fat. I mean it sounds obvious, but it is even more devious than that. Think about it.
You are at a restaurant. You sit down; waitress comes over and says hi. She says stuff you order an appetizer and sodas. She leaves. But let… me … slow… that… down for you and replay.
She probably said something like this: “How are you doing today, can I interest you in one of our DELICIOUS appetizers. We have a FABULOUS blah blah, and an AMAZING blah blah on SPECIAL today.” “What would you like to drink, we have Coke, Diet Coke, Iced Tea beer blah blah blah.”
She just hinted at and sold you more food to get more money and now you are FAT. I usually go with a water and suddenly I have an appetizer because it was DELICIOUS and on Special. Let us continue.
You are eating, and you order food she suggests, and the portions are huge cause the LAST thing they want is you going away un-stuffed as crap, because we have been taught that THAT is the trademark of a good restaurant. Only worth going back to if you are as stuffed as CRAP.
Then you finish and suddenly she is there again, and your plates are GONE! It is like f-ing magic!! And that is because they bus that stuff so you can’t TELL HOW MUCH YOU ATE. You are getting visibly tricked into thinking you have room you don’t have. Then you order desert so they can get more money, and you are now a big ol fatty. It’s a strategy to make you buy more to give a bigger tip.
This isn’t the case in other countries cause they actually get paid a real salary. Hence they don’t feel the need to push food on you for the eventual tip that will ensue. Craziness.
Man I’m picking up halfway through after getting off work and riding the train back home, and I’m feeling drastically unmotivated. If the train breaks down again though and then I would find myself quite motivated. (Yes it broke down and left me and many other commuters stranded for about an hour, and they were all very nice about it, I mean I could tell they were unhappy but it was a very waspy unhappy, hinting to the fact that they wouldn’t say a peep until they got home and told their wife with many a big frown about their day)
So maybe I shall sign off today with this short blog and if I think of something else I will add it. And if I get caught for having forgot to validate my ticket I will stab the world in the face as I am thrown from the train.
TO BE CONTINUED!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Phones, and Why They Should Have Lasers Built In
Well, the new job is shaping up to be fairly interesting. I find it amusing that I once mused about the fact that I would “never have to wear a suit ever again due to being involved with the film industry” Boy I should have seen THAT one coming. But I kind of like wearing a suit, makes me feel like I’m trying. I wore a suit to my interview out in LA and everyone laughed at me. Look who’s laughing now!! Actually I’m not sure anyone is laughing, would be kinda mean actually all laughing at each other. We’ll say people watching some really good cartoons are laughing, I think we can all agree on that. ANYWAY.
I find it amusing that I had to take work home for work at Mimi’s (The Restaurant Bar I work At) and I am legally forbidden BY LAW to do so while working for the Federal Government, and not because it is secure information or anything, they just consider homework=overtime and don’t want to pay me. Go figure. Additionally this is the only job I attained while interviewing in my UNDERWEAR. As much as I would have liked I don’t think I could have pulled THAT one off in LA. Pulled off, bud-dum-ching! But really it was a phone interview, I’m not just that good no matter how much I’d want to be.
But let us see what our topic of today’s blog shall be. Hmm, something I found interesting the other day was the use of cell phones. I mean, I just bought a new one and it broke and the b-stards over at the Verizon store said I broke it. This is to my mind a load of tosh because until I get the supernatural ability to break a touch screen through the back of the phone then, well, they are still retarded. I wasn’t sure how to end that sentence and I figured calling Verizon retarded was as good a way as any. So needless to say they made me use my rebate from when I first bought the phone, to, yes, buy another phone. And not a new phone, oh no, they wouldn’t let me do that cause I’m now under some sort of dumb contract from buying the first phone, I had to buy the SAME phone, and a REFURBISHED one at that. And I don’t really trust their idea of refurbished; I feel like the Mac store does a good refurbished product, hell this computer is one. They basically make it like new, and give you a new warranty for a lower price overall. The Verizon phone is “refurbished” and by “refurbished” I believe they mean they did the minimum to get it to turn on. And I’m not sure if it even has the original warranty now. So displeased. So I now use my phone with the insane speakerphone as though it were made of glass because apparently my big man hands break phones like paper drinking cups.
Side note: Paper Drinking Cups are AWESOME. And yes, I use that in the right terminology. They inspire Awe. Whose awe? Mine! It’s a cup, made of PAPER and you drink liquid FROM THE CUP. And it doesn’t turn into paper-mache for your hand! How cool is that! I find it amazing someone sat down on day reading the newspaper say, and thought “my my I sure am thirsty I dare say, jolly whatnot” because he was obviously British and from about 1920. “I do wonder if I could make a cup out of something in this house whatnot, seeing as I am not having any jolly good drinking mugs or tea cups having suffered some thievery by a tea drinking mug stealing hooligan” (Side Side Note: Yes, these were quite prevalent in London 1920 something to do with a Tea party in Boston but everyone getting the memo late) “I dare say, I could use this newspaper to make a cup!”
And while THAT particular attempt ended in the invention of paper-mache, later ones yielded the ever AWESOME paper cup. Right up there with Cement Canoes, and those crazy ankle socks from the 80’s (I think they are swanky, and Toes Socks are just cheating so they are not mentioned in this blog, other than now.) I was actually talking to some Engineers at work who had a sort of class project/competition where they had to make a boat out of cardboard and duct tape and make it across a lake. Now I have to wonder about this. Why? Cause it is CARDBOARD. Nature’s sponge. I can’t imagine that working. I can imagine a canoe out of cement, cause, well, cement is kinda kick ass. And if I stretch my mind a bit, I can even imagine a canoe out of duck tape ONLY, but out of cardboard and duck tape? Not so much. Hell if you had a cardboard box on the deck of a cruise ship or battle liner I would depart, cause cardboard near water is worse than a black cat crossing your path. (Incidentally, what happens if you cross a black cat’s path? Do you get good luck? Does nothing happen? Or do the sheer laws of luck-osity reverse completely and the bad luck potential is thrust back the other way along whatever luck particle space-time string connects you and the cat, and due to the difference in potentials “IE. I think a person can get up to a lot worse luck than a cat, and besides that, we’re bigger” does the massive back throw of anti-luck cause the cat to A) Explode or B) Win the Lottery or nay even C) Turn into a Duck spontaneously (cause by Jove it had to happen somewhere) As in the immortal words of that guy who narrated Mr. Owl “The world may never know”
MAN I got off topic. Where was I (cats – Paper Canoes – some British guy – cups – cell phones) Ah yes cell phones! I do not like them. I remember when good ol mummy and daddy invested in cell phones for my brother and I, but my parents have always been a little on the thrifty side, so needless to say circa 1991 we had some of the first cell phones, the big clunking beasts that if you crossed a radio tower zone screeched at you before re-initializing (hence my bad hearing out of one ear and many a brash attempt to hurtle the phone out of the car window) and we proceeded to use these phones for almost a DECADE. You got it, people rocking out on their razors and nearly their I-Phones and I’m beating muggers to death with the Zack Morris cell phone. So hence, my hatred of cell phones started early. It grew when we “upgraded” and yes this requires “quotes” but I’m not “quoting” “quotes” those are just “example” “quotes” except for when I just “quoted” “example”, that was just a “mistake”….. and so what “that”….and that. There we go.
Anyway, me no likey cell phones. When we “upgraded” we did so to that really piss ass cheap free phone that comes with a new plan, the one they give away free cause it is cheaper than finding some other way of disposing of them. Yea. I had a brief stint owning a cell phone by Suncom I think it was. I actually liked it, had my own plan and everything. Then they went out of business. I’d say the way of the Dinosaur, but I do not think that when a meteor crushed THEM to death that they were really mulling over the state of their finances.
Onward! Little “get back on track motivational” for myself there. But yes, I do not like cell phones. Until now I have never had one that I could ever successfully charge. Charging a cell phone puts me in mind of using the old school Nintendo where you blow in the cartridge, insert it three times turn the system upside down and then turn in a circle on one foot. (Hey, we all had out little ceremonies, but ask any guy most of that is spot on. Especially if you had the Game Genie, aka the Nintendo slayer). But yes, while owing one of my cell phones I would actually blow into the charge slot, suck on the electrical plug, insert the plug THEN plug it into the wall, then turn the whole thing on it’s face very slowly so I could make sure the charge took, and I would do this about 5 times a night. THAT phone got broken in half once I secured my new phone at the time. However my new phone was a razor and I kind of whish I had kept the Nintendo style one.
I also like hacking my phones cause I like putting my own ringtones on them. I found this website: http://www.zedge.net/download/
It is the BOMB for downloading ringtones. I got Protoman from Megaman videogame (nerd reference, if you don’t get it feel proud) and the Willy Wonka Whistle for Summoning Oompa Loompas sound, and the Stewie from Family guy “Mom mom mom mummy mummy mummy etc” long as hell quote now gone ringtone. It is a good site. But I like putting my own ringtones on my phone for the three or four people who call me, cause the ones that come on the phone make me A) Hate Everything or B) Make me wish I was deaf, and also hate everything. But is irks me to no end that the cell phone companies try to corner the market and make you buy ringtones. This is re-stupid. (My new favorite not-word, retarded and stupid put together, I feel it to be a much more fulfilling insult) But yes, cause they don’t make ringtones I like, all tinny and kind of make you want to dance though you don’t know why, but they are terrible and I can’t get personal ones without paying bank and on top of that the ones I like are oblique and they don’t have them either. I mean, I LIKE having the Legend of Zelda “you just found a secret” or “you just bought something neat and you can’t wait to try it out” noises for my text messages. It makes me feel like I just “bought something neat and you can’t wait to try it out” or “found a secret passage using a bomb, but why you have a bomb I have no idea” about three to four times a day. It is a warm… fuzzy feeling.
So I hack my phones. Oh, word of advice I would mention to people. If you break your phone, but in a non-obvious way, i.e. a Touch Screen like “I did” (which I didn’t, F-U Verizon) then do the following. It’s Simple. Ready?
Break it so much it doesn’t turn on.
TA DA! If it doesn’t turn on then it falls under the warranty of something internal or softwareish preventing it from working, and you get a new one under your warranty. Just back up your numbers first.
But that last thing, or the first thing I suppose, that I had INTENDED to talk about, is who answers their cell phone. I mean, I like to think I always answer my phone as long as I hear it, which is basically all the time except if I am rocking out to some turns while driving and just don’t. But I have to say, I have the utmost respect for people who answer their phones all the time, but no one does! My wife doesn’t EVER answer her phone. I would say…. 25% of the time. And I mean it’s okay, I know she works, but she usually just leaves it somewhere, like in her car or tied to a balloon or something. Mine is always in my pocket. That is what a cell phone is FOR! You should always be ready to answer I think. But no one is. I mean my dad doesn’t but he’s at work, so that is okay. That and he is a little deaf so I give him a break on that account too. He actually has the alarm set on his watch for whatever reason back in the day, but doesn’t know how to turn it off, but on top of that, can’t hear it when it goes off. It drives my mom up the wall when he is just walking around as happy as can be completely oblivious to the fact that his watch has been going off for about the last 20 minutes. I think it just makes him easy to find when he’s wandering around the house. But like I said, excused for not answering. My brother is notorious for not answering. Except when he is at work, where, frankly I feel anything is more entertaining than work, so he picks up. But needless to say, everyone has their niche where you can catch them, and everyone is by and large bad about picking up their phone. Except one person.
Mom. She will ALWAYSE answer her phone. I will call, and she will answer, and start chatting, and I’ll ask where she is. I have gotten some of the following great answers:
-I’m at a restaurant ordering (glad to know I come before the waiter)
-I jumped out of the shower (You’re a trooper!)
-I’m at the Gym (Ha!)
-I’m in a Class at the Gym (Ha Ha!)
-I’m in Class at school (Stick it to the Man!)
-I’m on a boat fishing (No holds Barred!)
-I’m just driving (She is Female)
-I’m in the garden gardening (makes me feel like I’m helping)
and my all time favorite
-I’m in Puerto Rico. (Oh Mom, you crazy Gel.)
Now if I can only get her to stop sending me Spam Emails.
CONCLUDED!
I find it amusing that I had to take work home for work at Mimi’s (The Restaurant Bar I work At) and I am legally forbidden BY LAW to do so while working for the Federal Government, and not because it is secure information or anything, they just consider homework=overtime and don’t want to pay me. Go figure. Additionally this is the only job I attained while interviewing in my UNDERWEAR. As much as I would have liked I don’t think I could have pulled THAT one off in LA. Pulled off, bud-dum-ching! But really it was a phone interview, I’m not just that good no matter how much I’d want to be.
But let us see what our topic of today’s blog shall be. Hmm, something I found interesting the other day was the use of cell phones. I mean, I just bought a new one and it broke and the b-stards over at the Verizon store said I broke it. This is to my mind a load of tosh because until I get the supernatural ability to break a touch screen through the back of the phone then, well, they are still retarded. I wasn’t sure how to end that sentence and I figured calling Verizon retarded was as good a way as any. So needless to say they made me use my rebate from when I first bought the phone, to, yes, buy another phone. And not a new phone, oh no, they wouldn’t let me do that cause I’m now under some sort of dumb contract from buying the first phone, I had to buy the SAME phone, and a REFURBISHED one at that. And I don’t really trust their idea of refurbished; I feel like the Mac store does a good refurbished product, hell this computer is one. They basically make it like new, and give you a new warranty for a lower price overall. The Verizon phone is “refurbished” and by “refurbished” I believe they mean they did the minimum to get it to turn on. And I’m not sure if it even has the original warranty now. So displeased. So I now use my phone with the insane speakerphone as though it were made of glass because apparently my big man hands break phones like paper drinking cups.
Side note: Paper Drinking Cups are AWESOME. And yes, I use that in the right terminology. They inspire Awe. Whose awe? Mine! It’s a cup, made of PAPER and you drink liquid FROM THE CUP. And it doesn’t turn into paper-mache for your hand! How cool is that! I find it amazing someone sat down on day reading the newspaper say, and thought “my my I sure am thirsty I dare say, jolly whatnot” because he was obviously British and from about 1920. “I do wonder if I could make a cup out of something in this house whatnot, seeing as I am not having any jolly good drinking mugs or tea cups having suffered some thievery by a tea drinking mug stealing hooligan” (Side Side Note: Yes, these were quite prevalent in London 1920 something to do with a Tea party in Boston but everyone getting the memo late) “I dare say, I could use this newspaper to make a cup!”
And while THAT particular attempt ended in the invention of paper-mache, later ones yielded the ever AWESOME paper cup. Right up there with Cement Canoes, and those crazy ankle socks from the 80’s (I think they are swanky, and Toes Socks are just cheating so they are not mentioned in this blog, other than now.) I was actually talking to some Engineers at work who had a sort of class project/competition where they had to make a boat out of cardboard and duct tape and make it across a lake. Now I have to wonder about this. Why? Cause it is CARDBOARD. Nature’s sponge. I can’t imagine that working. I can imagine a canoe out of cement, cause, well, cement is kinda kick ass. And if I stretch my mind a bit, I can even imagine a canoe out of duck tape ONLY, but out of cardboard and duck tape? Not so much. Hell if you had a cardboard box on the deck of a cruise ship or battle liner I would depart, cause cardboard near water is worse than a black cat crossing your path. (Incidentally, what happens if you cross a black cat’s path? Do you get good luck? Does nothing happen? Or do the sheer laws of luck-osity reverse completely and the bad luck potential is thrust back the other way along whatever luck particle space-time string connects you and the cat, and due to the difference in potentials “IE. I think a person can get up to a lot worse luck than a cat, and besides that, we’re bigger” does the massive back throw of anti-luck cause the cat to A) Explode or B) Win the Lottery or nay even C) Turn into a Duck spontaneously (cause by Jove it had to happen somewhere) As in the immortal words of that guy who narrated Mr. Owl “The world may never know”
MAN I got off topic. Where was I (cats – Paper Canoes – some British guy – cups – cell phones) Ah yes cell phones! I do not like them. I remember when good ol mummy and daddy invested in cell phones for my brother and I, but my parents have always been a little on the thrifty side, so needless to say circa 1991 we had some of the first cell phones, the big clunking beasts that if you crossed a radio tower zone screeched at you before re-initializing (hence my bad hearing out of one ear and many a brash attempt to hurtle the phone out of the car window) and we proceeded to use these phones for almost a DECADE. You got it, people rocking out on their razors and nearly their I-Phones and I’m beating muggers to death with the Zack Morris cell phone. So hence, my hatred of cell phones started early. It grew when we “upgraded” and yes this requires “quotes” but I’m not “quoting” “quotes” those are just “example” “quotes” except for when I just “quoted” “example”, that was just a “mistake”….. and so what “that”….and that. There we go.
Anyway, me no likey cell phones. When we “upgraded” we did so to that really piss ass cheap free phone that comes with a new plan, the one they give away free cause it is cheaper than finding some other way of disposing of them. Yea. I had a brief stint owning a cell phone by Suncom I think it was. I actually liked it, had my own plan and everything. Then they went out of business. I’d say the way of the Dinosaur, but I do not think that when a meteor crushed THEM to death that they were really mulling over the state of their finances.
Onward! Little “get back on track motivational” for myself there. But yes, I do not like cell phones. Until now I have never had one that I could ever successfully charge. Charging a cell phone puts me in mind of using the old school Nintendo where you blow in the cartridge, insert it three times turn the system upside down and then turn in a circle on one foot. (Hey, we all had out little ceremonies, but ask any guy most of that is spot on. Especially if you had the Game Genie, aka the Nintendo slayer). But yes, while owing one of my cell phones I would actually blow into the charge slot, suck on the electrical plug, insert the plug THEN plug it into the wall, then turn the whole thing on it’s face very slowly so I could make sure the charge took, and I would do this about 5 times a night. THAT phone got broken in half once I secured my new phone at the time. However my new phone was a razor and I kind of whish I had kept the Nintendo style one.
I also like hacking my phones cause I like putting my own ringtones on them. I found this website: http://www.zedge.net/download/
It is the BOMB for downloading ringtones. I got Protoman from Megaman videogame (nerd reference, if you don’t get it feel proud) and the Willy Wonka Whistle for Summoning Oompa Loompas sound, and the Stewie from Family guy “Mom mom mom mummy mummy mummy etc” long as hell quote now gone ringtone. It is a good site. But I like putting my own ringtones on my phone for the three or four people who call me, cause the ones that come on the phone make me A) Hate Everything or B) Make me wish I was deaf, and also hate everything. But is irks me to no end that the cell phone companies try to corner the market and make you buy ringtones. This is re-stupid. (My new favorite not-word, retarded and stupid put together, I feel it to be a much more fulfilling insult) But yes, cause they don’t make ringtones I like, all tinny and kind of make you want to dance though you don’t know why, but they are terrible and I can’t get personal ones without paying bank and on top of that the ones I like are oblique and they don’t have them either. I mean, I LIKE having the Legend of Zelda “you just found a secret” or “you just bought something neat and you can’t wait to try it out” noises for my text messages. It makes me feel like I just “bought something neat and you can’t wait to try it out” or “found a secret passage using a bomb, but why you have a bomb I have no idea” about three to four times a day. It is a warm… fuzzy feeling.
So I hack my phones. Oh, word of advice I would mention to people. If you break your phone, but in a non-obvious way, i.e. a Touch Screen like “I did” (which I didn’t, F-U Verizon) then do the following. It’s Simple. Ready?
Break it so much it doesn’t turn on.
TA DA! If it doesn’t turn on then it falls under the warranty of something internal or softwareish preventing it from working, and you get a new one under your warranty. Just back up your numbers first.
But that last thing, or the first thing I suppose, that I had INTENDED to talk about, is who answers their cell phone. I mean, I like to think I always answer my phone as long as I hear it, which is basically all the time except if I am rocking out to some turns while driving and just don’t. But I have to say, I have the utmost respect for people who answer their phones all the time, but no one does! My wife doesn’t EVER answer her phone. I would say…. 25% of the time. And I mean it’s okay, I know she works, but she usually just leaves it somewhere, like in her car or tied to a balloon or something. Mine is always in my pocket. That is what a cell phone is FOR! You should always be ready to answer I think. But no one is. I mean my dad doesn’t but he’s at work, so that is okay. That and he is a little deaf so I give him a break on that account too. He actually has the alarm set on his watch for whatever reason back in the day, but doesn’t know how to turn it off, but on top of that, can’t hear it when it goes off. It drives my mom up the wall when he is just walking around as happy as can be completely oblivious to the fact that his watch has been going off for about the last 20 minutes. I think it just makes him easy to find when he’s wandering around the house. But like I said, excused for not answering. My brother is notorious for not answering. Except when he is at work, where, frankly I feel anything is more entertaining than work, so he picks up. But needless to say, everyone has their niche where you can catch them, and everyone is by and large bad about picking up their phone. Except one person.
Mom. She will ALWAYSE answer her phone. I will call, and she will answer, and start chatting, and I’ll ask where she is. I have gotten some of the following great answers:
-I’m at a restaurant ordering (glad to know I come before the waiter)
-I jumped out of the shower (You’re a trooper!)
-I’m at the Gym (Ha!)
-I’m in a Class at the Gym (Ha Ha!)
-I’m in Class at school (Stick it to the Man!)
-I’m on a boat fishing (No holds Barred!)
-I’m just driving (She is Female)
-I’m in the garden gardening (makes me feel like I’m helping)
and my all time favorite
-I’m in Puerto Rico. (Oh Mom, you crazy Gel.)
Now if I can only get her to stop sending me Spam Emails.
CONCLUDED!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
New Jobs, New Commute
Well I guess you can assume from the title what this blog is about. That’s right. Porn. Well, jobs and porn, but I will start with porn, because, well, why the hell not. I find porn to be one of the most amusing concepts in the world. I mean thing about it. There are people out there who own planes. That’s right PLANES! Vehicles for traveling in the AIR! And they bought them with the money they earned having sex for money! Bravo. I feel that THAT is probably the modern American Dream. Sex for money, and not just some money, A LOT of money. Granted the majority of them don’t have planes because they are having sex on webcams or they spend all of their earnings on illicit substances and “doctor” visits, but I do not have the numbers on this so I will not assume more.
But oh, porn, how you lead the majority of Americans lives. And I was letting my mind wander the other day and I started to do some calculations. Lets see how they play out shall we? Your average male probably looks at porn on average 3 times a week *Snigger * and you figure they will probably view on average 10 separate and unique acts of sexual conduct during that time. This takes into account an estimated average of times a week and acts in a viewing. These numbers are probably different *A LOT Higher * but we cannot say. But the math continues. 52 weeks a year, 10 x 3 = 30, 30 x 52 = 1560, and most males watch from the age of oh lets just say 16, and most of the people I know are about 26, so lets just say 10 years on average. 1560 x 10 = 15,620 and round down for holidays or being sick to 15,500 (only a little rounding, its hard to be THAT sick).
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, but mostly just the men. You average manly male walking the street has most likely in his life watched about 15 THOUSAND separate sexual acts by different sets of people. HOLY CRAP. That just makes the world seem like a sad sad place, and not at all hard to obtain an airplane in HA! But speaking of the perfect job…..
I finally have one. Well, not perfect, but it pays well so that is something. I have many thoughts on the whole new job thing so I shall try to go through it as succinctly as possible. Additionally I hate writing in Microsoft word. I’m on the train now and can only write in word and hence my massive spelling errors are more difficult to complete because I am adjusting my spelling as I go. I know. I feel like you all are jumping for joy already. But anyway. After an official count of 132 jobs applied and an unofficial count of about 150 (unofficial because I want no written record of applying to be a sales clerk at bed bath an beyond, but by GOD I’m going to frame my rejection letter from the Wegmans Grocery Store for being unqualified. I now have a job! And it was a weird road too. It is a job with the Patent and trademark office, hooray, and I got it OVER THE PHONE. For a government job with security clearance and everything, I never saw anybody. I was almost worried I was part of an elaborate scam to get all of my information. But it all worked out and unless the government is part of an identity theft scam on the very retarded scale, I think I’m in the clear. So I am working, hooray and stuff. And so I set out to start working. And it was WEIRD. First day in was nice, little ol orientation style, and we finished up early too, around 3. Very pleasant. But uh oh. You work for the Government now and they are paying you for a full 8 hours. So we sat there till 5. And when I say sat, we SAT. Our comps are not hooked up and there really wasn’t anything to do. I sharpened pencils. Yes, I SHARPENED PENCILS FOR 2 HOURS. Which was hard cause there were only 3 pencils. I feel I may have blown my load early on the first one, but I managed to make the final 2 last for the rest of the day.
And then the second day (mind you I’m writing this blog on the train now on the way to day 3, so the adventure is continuing) we went in and we had group art time. Yes, group art time. We drew personal crest shields to represent ourselves for a few hours. This was fun, as I like to draw and all, but let me tell you, there is almost no middle ground for people who can’t draw. There were good fairly reasonable drawings, then there were pictures of people choking each other, one looked like a guy had a baby popping out of his chest, and there was a penguin fighting a crab over the state of Nevada. (As I later found out this was actually a crab and an Oriel hanging out in Baltimore County) But who knew? I thought the really sciencey (yes I made up a word, suck it!) smart people were supposed to be unconsciously good at art, and maybe they can play musical instruments I haven’t seen them all bring in their bits and sport a ho-down, but man, these people can’t draw for crap. But neither can I so I feel at home. But I do feel intimidated something fierce. I mean I got this job on a degree I haven’t looked at in 4 years (Mechanical Engineering) and there are people here who sport PhDs and multiple degrees from MIT and Harvard. For crying out loud! So I have started telling people I’m a retired Astronaught (I know this is spelled wrong but I have apparently baffled the spellchecker) with a PhD in awesome to get some classroom clout. But all in all they are nice and it has been… educational, and a heck of a lot less running around than at my other gig at the restaurant. I don’t know if I mentioned that previously, but I work at a restaurant part time to pay the bills till I got this job. And let me tell you, though most probably already know, people who work at restaurants are more than a little slice of crazy. I actually had to crate a new term for them by combining a couple of my other favorite terms. I would say a good slice of the people working in the restaurant business are a "Big Hot Train Wreck". Yes, that good. I was told that my place of work did not do drug tests cause they didn’t want to lost half their staff. Bravo. Bravo. But it is fun there too and the people are mucho friendly, in that touch everything because the colors tell them too sort of way, hint hint. HA!
But since my new job is in DC I have had to find new ways to get there. Tried driving, it took FORVER, like Sandlot style FOR-EV-ER (if you get this reference you get a ham sandwich made of gold, if not, watch the movie Sandlot). So driving while feasible, sucks. But then a friend told me about the VRE. Now the VRE is a train running from waaaay out down 66 near Broad run into DC, and also waaaay out in Fredericksburg Va into DC. So I rode this badboy in, and while the commute was long, I was able to dick around on my computer the whole time so it wasn’t bad. But the commute back…. Well, my friend forgot to mention one crucial piece of information. Make sure you take the right train.
That’s right. I realized where I was about the time I passed Quantico VA which, for those who need a picture, is way the hell down route 95 from DC and about an hour and a half BY CAR from where I needed to be. And then once I realized where I was I made a few phone calls then enjoyed a pleasant hour and a half standing on a train platform in the dark in about 25 degree weather. Not one of my better moments let me tell you.
But the new job is shaping up all right, though a bit odd in the actual work department as in we put together a skit for a presentation instead of a slideshow. Bravo team, bravo. Its summer camp all over. But I am glad to be gainfully employed once more.
Take that 132 job applications. The best part about it, is that I am still getting letters about jobs I applied to waaay back telling me I’m unqualified to do whatever it was I applied to. I think my favorite jobs applied to and saw were probably the following:
Emu Wrangler: You got it, EMU wrangler. And an Emu for those who don’t know is basically an uglier Ostrich, if such a thing were possible. How one wrangles emus I have no idea. Perhaps someone was asking to strangle emus but had a problem with spelling, as I often do. But why would someone want emus strangled you asked? Well isn’t it obvious? I don’t know, is it? I have no idea; maybe they had a strange run in with a chicken when they were young.
Voice Over Guy: This isn’t as glorious as it sounds. This job, you would be hired to read ass long scripts to a computer to teach it video recognition software, much like talking to a small child for hours on end. How fun this would have been, the world may never know….
Display Technology Engineer: Fancy? I thought so too, until they called for an interview. Yep, these bad boys would have me setting up projectors, not full on entertainment systems, not multimedia presentations, just slide projectors. Hooray, huzza, and FU. And the best part was is they shot me down. So sad.
On with the highlights!
Production Assistant: This bad boy was actually part time, and I got a reference from someone I knew who spoke to the hiring guy. So I have an inside lead, and it is a base production assistant job, something a monkey could do. I do not understand why they always say you need more experience to be a production assistant. I can only guess they mean you don’t have enough experience taking other peoples crap for a living. Yea, they didn’t call me back after the interview.
Side note: People who don’t call me back after an interview, I want to shank with my shiv. I want to advertise for a job (imaginary) that would be their ideal job, get them in for an interview, video tape it, send the tape to their current employer, get them fired, then call them back to tell them to start, and give them an address in the middle of a field to report to. Call me back you F-ers, or I will hate you with the might of a thousand tiny white mice! And I sent a thank you letter and everything. I wonder if I can send hate mail at a later date without negative repercussion. Hmm.
Bonefish Grill: Yep a waiting job. Weird application procedure as I had to fill out the application in the restaurant, as though they believed if I left I would run to the library to look up the perfect serving resume. They even had me in for a second piece where you fill out one of those “I will not stab my employer” questionnaires. I LOVE those things. It is like they are trying to trick a six year old!
Question: It is good to come in early to work.
A: Strongly Agree
Q: All work should be finished in a timely manner.
A: Strongly Agree
Q: Killing a coworker is okay if you don’t get caught.
A: Strongly Agr…. Waaaait a minute.
So dumb. And the thing is that is almost verbatim from the test. Oh restaurant business how you amuse me. Yea they didn’t call me back either. I think I will go steal the dumpster from their building. The ramifications of that should be glooorious.
Lets see, and the last one would have to be dog walker. I do love dogs, but VA is F-in cold! Various family pressed me to apply to a barrage of jobs I would have never considered because with three degrees and years of work experience I felt that it would not be possible to fall further. I have to say, I felt like the most highly qualified unqualified person out there. Couldn’t even get a job fetching coffee part time as a Production Assistant.
But I feel humbled now, and my brother gave me good advice. Money’s money, and working for it if that is all there is is fine. And it is true, though I feel as though this experience has pushed me towards the mentality that money is the most important thing. Cause now I do kind of believe it. Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy something very much like it is what I’ve heard. I actually think it can buy happiness especially if you change it into quarters and swim in it Scrooge McDuck style. But I keep my hand in elsewhere, writing and blogging. I am trying to build up my website www.jesseboguefilms.com and keep making videos and scripts. My movie Cockblocker is on its 4th edit iteration and has some clips on my site. (For those who don’t know, Cockblocker the Movie was my graduate thesis film and is currently being edited. Its tagline was: “A man, feeling that his life has not gone where he wanted, decides to go back in time. And prevent his own conception.” It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Big Finish! Tada!
But oh, porn, how you lead the majority of Americans lives. And I was letting my mind wander the other day and I started to do some calculations. Lets see how they play out shall we? Your average male probably looks at porn on average 3 times a week *Snigger * and you figure they will probably view on average 10 separate and unique acts of sexual conduct during that time. This takes into account an estimated average of times a week and acts in a viewing. These numbers are probably different *A LOT Higher * but we cannot say. But the math continues. 52 weeks a year, 10 x 3 = 30, 30 x 52 = 1560, and most males watch from the age of oh lets just say 16, and most of the people I know are about 26, so lets just say 10 years on average. 1560 x 10 = 15,620 and round down for holidays or being sick to 15,500 (only a little rounding, its hard to be THAT sick).
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, but mostly just the men. You average manly male walking the street has most likely in his life watched about 15 THOUSAND separate sexual acts by different sets of people. HOLY CRAP. That just makes the world seem like a sad sad place, and not at all hard to obtain an airplane in HA! But speaking of the perfect job…..
I finally have one. Well, not perfect, but it pays well so that is something. I have many thoughts on the whole new job thing so I shall try to go through it as succinctly as possible. Additionally I hate writing in Microsoft word. I’m on the train now and can only write in word and hence my massive spelling errors are more difficult to complete because I am adjusting my spelling as I go. I know. I feel like you all are jumping for joy already. But anyway. After an official count of 132 jobs applied and an unofficial count of about 150 (unofficial because I want no written record of applying to be a sales clerk at bed bath an beyond, but by GOD I’m going to frame my rejection letter from the Wegmans Grocery Store for being unqualified. I now have a job! And it was a weird road too. It is a job with the Patent and trademark office, hooray, and I got it OVER THE PHONE. For a government job with security clearance and everything, I never saw anybody. I was almost worried I was part of an elaborate scam to get all of my information. But it all worked out and unless the government is part of an identity theft scam on the very retarded scale, I think I’m in the clear. So I am working, hooray and stuff. And so I set out to start working. And it was WEIRD. First day in was nice, little ol orientation style, and we finished up early too, around 3. Very pleasant. But uh oh. You work for the Government now and they are paying you for a full 8 hours. So we sat there till 5. And when I say sat, we SAT. Our comps are not hooked up and there really wasn’t anything to do. I sharpened pencils. Yes, I SHARPENED PENCILS FOR 2 HOURS. Which was hard cause there were only 3 pencils. I feel I may have blown my load early on the first one, but I managed to make the final 2 last for the rest of the day.
And then the second day (mind you I’m writing this blog on the train now on the way to day 3, so the adventure is continuing) we went in and we had group art time. Yes, group art time. We drew personal crest shields to represent ourselves for a few hours. This was fun, as I like to draw and all, but let me tell you, there is almost no middle ground for people who can’t draw. There were good fairly reasonable drawings, then there were pictures of people choking each other, one looked like a guy had a baby popping out of his chest, and there was a penguin fighting a crab over the state of Nevada. (As I later found out this was actually a crab and an Oriel hanging out in Baltimore County) But who knew? I thought the really sciencey (yes I made up a word, suck it!) smart people were supposed to be unconsciously good at art, and maybe they can play musical instruments I haven’t seen them all bring in their bits and sport a ho-down, but man, these people can’t draw for crap. But neither can I so I feel at home. But I do feel intimidated something fierce. I mean I got this job on a degree I haven’t looked at in 4 years (Mechanical Engineering) and there are people here who sport PhDs and multiple degrees from MIT and Harvard. For crying out loud! So I have started telling people I’m a retired Astronaught (I know this is spelled wrong but I have apparently baffled the spellchecker) with a PhD in awesome to get some classroom clout. But all in all they are nice and it has been… educational, and a heck of a lot less running around than at my other gig at the restaurant. I don’t know if I mentioned that previously, but I work at a restaurant part time to pay the bills till I got this job. And let me tell you, though most probably already know, people who work at restaurants are more than a little slice of crazy. I actually had to crate a new term for them by combining a couple of my other favorite terms. I would say a good slice of the people working in the restaurant business are a "Big Hot Train Wreck". Yes, that good. I was told that my place of work did not do drug tests cause they didn’t want to lost half their staff. Bravo. Bravo. But it is fun there too and the people are mucho friendly, in that touch everything because the colors tell them too sort of way, hint hint. HA!
But since my new job is in DC I have had to find new ways to get there. Tried driving, it took FORVER, like Sandlot style FOR-EV-ER (if you get this reference you get a ham sandwich made of gold, if not, watch the movie Sandlot). So driving while feasible, sucks. But then a friend told me about the VRE. Now the VRE is a train running from waaaay out down 66 near Broad run into DC, and also waaaay out in Fredericksburg Va into DC. So I rode this badboy in, and while the commute was long, I was able to dick around on my computer the whole time so it wasn’t bad. But the commute back…. Well, my friend forgot to mention one crucial piece of information. Make sure you take the right train.
That’s right. I realized where I was about the time I passed Quantico VA which, for those who need a picture, is way the hell down route 95 from DC and about an hour and a half BY CAR from where I needed to be. And then once I realized where I was I made a few phone calls then enjoyed a pleasant hour and a half standing on a train platform in the dark in about 25 degree weather. Not one of my better moments let me tell you.
But the new job is shaping up all right, though a bit odd in the actual work department as in we put together a skit for a presentation instead of a slideshow. Bravo team, bravo. Its summer camp all over. But I am glad to be gainfully employed once more.
Take that 132 job applications. The best part about it, is that I am still getting letters about jobs I applied to waaay back telling me I’m unqualified to do whatever it was I applied to. I think my favorite jobs applied to and saw were probably the following:
Emu Wrangler: You got it, EMU wrangler. And an Emu for those who don’t know is basically an uglier Ostrich, if such a thing were possible. How one wrangles emus I have no idea. Perhaps someone was asking to strangle emus but had a problem with spelling, as I often do. But why would someone want emus strangled you asked? Well isn’t it obvious? I don’t know, is it? I have no idea; maybe they had a strange run in with a chicken when they were young.
Voice Over Guy: This isn’t as glorious as it sounds. This job, you would be hired to read ass long scripts to a computer to teach it video recognition software, much like talking to a small child for hours on end. How fun this would have been, the world may never know….
Display Technology Engineer: Fancy? I thought so too, until they called for an interview. Yep, these bad boys would have me setting up projectors, not full on entertainment systems, not multimedia presentations, just slide projectors. Hooray, huzza, and FU. And the best part was is they shot me down. So sad.
On with the highlights!
Production Assistant: This bad boy was actually part time, and I got a reference from someone I knew who spoke to the hiring guy. So I have an inside lead, and it is a base production assistant job, something a monkey could do. I do not understand why they always say you need more experience to be a production assistant. I can only guess they mean you don’t have enough experience taking other peoples crap for a living. Yea, they didn’t call me back after the interview.
Side note: People who don’t call me back after an interview, I want to shank with my shiv. I want to advertise for a job (imaginary) that would be their ideal job, get them in for an interview, video tape it, send the tape to their current employer, get them fired, then call them back to tell them to start, and give them an address in the middle of a field to report to. Call me back you F-ers, or I will hate you with the might of a thousand tiny white mice! And I sent a thank you letter and everything. I wonder if I can send hate mail at a later date without negative repercussion. Hmm.
Bonefish Grill: Yep a waiting job. Weird application procedure as I had to fill out the application in the restaurant, as though they believed if I left I would run to the library to look up the perfect serving resume. They even had me in for a second piece where you fill out one of those “I will not stab my employer” questionnaires. I LOVE those things. It is like they are trying to trick a six year old!
Question: It is good to come in early to work.
A: Strongly Agree
Q: All work should be finished in a timely manner.
A: Strongly Agree
Q: Killing a coworker is okay if you don’t get caught.
A: Strongly Agr…. Waaaait a minute.
So dumb. And the thing is that is almost verbatim from the test. Oh restaurant business how you amuse me. Yea they didn’t call me back either. I think I will go steal the dumpster from their building. The ramifications of that should be glooorious.
Lets see, and the last one would have to be dog walker. I do love dogs, but VA is F-in cold! Various family pressed me to apply to a barrage of jobs I would have never considered because with three degrees and years of work experience I felt that it would not be possible to fall further. I have to say, I felt like the most highly qualified unqualified person out there. Couldn’t even get a job fetching coffee part time as a Production Assistant.
But I feel humbled now, and my brother gave me good advice. Money’s money, and working for it if that is all there is is fine. And it is true, though I feel as though this experience has pushed me towards the mentality that money is the most important thing. Cause now I do kind of believe it. Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy something very much like it is what I’ve heard. I actually think it can buy happiness especially if you change it into quarters and swim in it Scrooge McDuck style. But I keep my hand in elsewhere, writing and blogging. I am trying to build up my website www.jesseboguefilms.com and keep making videos and scripts. My movie Cockblocker is on its 4th edit iteration and has some clips on my site. (For those who don’t know, Cockblocker the Movie was my graduate thesis film and is currently being edited. Its tagline was: “A man, feeling that his life has not gone where he wanted, decides to go back in time. And prevent his own conception.” It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Big Finish! Tada!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Oh Modern Media How you Fail me like 8th grade Algebra
Oh where to start where to start. How about here. I have a small list of movie that I want to see, and have wanted to see for awhile. They might even be considered my boredom backup list, and top of this list was the movie blockbuster "Tropic Thunder". Now I have a lot of friends, many of which are in the Film Industry and the rest who are simply discerning. This movie had gotten rave reviews by all of them. This movie had Robert Downy Jr. and Ben Stiller, two actors whom I have thoroughly enjoyed in previous movies. And so as I sit myself down for an evening of fantastic movie watching with what I consider to be a sure fire pick.
This movie sucked. No, correction. This movie was an abomination. If this movie were a person it would be the Hunchback of Notre Dame without the Disney Lyrics. If it was a baby it would be Rosemary's baby with the crazy projectile vomiting. This movie wasn't just borderline retarded, it was hooked up to the machines in a straight up vegetative state. This Movie blew like an expensive hooker (I say expensive because one would logically assume the whore money to blow ratio was a relative ratio and not an inverse one, hence more money, more blow.)
Now my problems with this movie:
1)Lack of consistent plot.
Now I thought that this movie was about some actors taken into the wilderness to do some real action acting, but not knowing they had stumbled into a real war zone. This, however, did not seem to be the case. In all honesty I'm not sure what the case was. It seemed like half of the characters knew they were in trouble and the other half didn't and then they would randomly change their minds throughout the movie. BAFFLED!
2)Lack of rational thought on part of ANYBODY.
Now I like a little crazy just like anybody, hell I've dated a fair bit of crazy, but I like my movies to make SENSE. I mean, A equals B therefore C. This movie was like A equals L therefore GIRAFFE. It made no sense. I completely lost what the hell was going on when the leader of the Heroine drug cartel turned out to be a 10 year old. Yes a 10 year old. I can only assume they needed someone outside the acting guild and for some reason he fit the bill. BAFFLED AGAIN!
3) It had Tom Cruise in yet another ridiculous and stupidly done role.
Anyone seen the new War of the Worlds? I did. I think I saw it anyway, that or someone snuck me in for a lobotomy. And his astounding acting worked magic yet again in this movie. That was sarcasm for NO acting, and LAME-ITY. I think his only good role was in Legend, and that was only because he was opposite Tim Curry, WOO Tim Curry, only as long as you keep your clothes on. (Footnote, See Rockie Horror) But good ol Tom thought he could pull an Eddie Murphy and dress up like some overweight summoner of cinematic evil. And all we got was Tom looking like a dork and yelling the F-word a lot. Bravo, what acting I have not seen since Aliens 3, hitherto the greatest amount of F-word uttered in one cinematic spectacle. Bravo you have successfully competed with evil acid spitting aliens and rightly so, now go home and learn to act like someone other than Tom Cruise. ONWARD!
4)Poor Writing
Now it is not that the writing was poor. It was just that it was utterly F-ing Horrible, the likes of which my penis could produce should it decide to grow a thumb and hold a pen, and in all honesty, it could probably pull it off without the thumb. This script looped around so much, and had so many flailing loose threads and ideas that it made no sense. It just, well, sort of rambled. Alot. How this got chosen without a LARGE re-write, I'll never know. FAVOR!
So high points of the movie, Good ol' Robert Downy Jr. playing the dude dressed like a dude playing another dude. Funny character, but if I dropped Charlie Chaplin in the middle of the Bronx I feel that it would stop being funny very quickly. As was the case with this movie. So bravo Robert, and to death and beyond for the person who cast the 10 year old as the villain.
I think they blew all their movie on this movie hiring Tom Cruise. And well frankly if you blow, you get blow.
And so I went to bed after the movie like a hungry orphan who just ate a dead rat. And the next day I watched "In the Name of the King". Starring such notables as Jason Statham from "The Transporter" and Leelee Sobieski (HAHA, who names their kid that??? You sound like a panda), Ray Liotta (Last seen in Muppets from Space. Where have you BEEN for the last 10 years??), and good old John Rhys-Davies (the only good thing about the TV show sliders, until he died for some reason.) And let me tell you, I didn't know that this movie had made it onto the TOP TEN worst movies EVER! And for some reason HBO is still advertising it like their golden child. Confused much. And so I rocked it out. And fell asleep. Woke up for awhile dazed and confused. Fell asleep. Woke up screaming, realized it was still on. Continued to scream.
This movie wasn't just bad. This movie didn't just have plot holes the size of a small moon. This movie didn't just REEK of bad acting, poor poor POOR directing, and a script that, frankly, should have been donated to the poor orphans home for gifted paper plane makers.
This movie, had Matthew Lillard as the lovable backstabbing, and for some reason incredibly Gay, nephew of the King. And Wow. I recommend this movie to any would be actor just so you can fix this portrayal in your mind as how not to act when being a Lord. Hell, how not to act EVER. It just didn't make sense, and on top of that, I don't even know if he died by the end. I think they might have just alluded to it, or perhaps covered it up with a pointless sex scene (don't get your hopes up, there was only one), or maybe even masked it with the pointless death of a child (also only one, sadly.)
I think my favorite conundrum of the movie was when the bad guy claimed to be neither good nor evil, but beyond such worldly realms. He slow ran down a little kid on foot to stab him with a sword! Really? REALLY? Did you even go back and Spellcheck your script?
I am making up a new word for people that write crap like this. It is TaintAss. Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but by GOD it makes me feel better. All you crappy script writers out there who happen to be Friends with whoever to get your scripts made, and all you actors out there who do goodness knows what to get parts that you Botch! I say TaintAss. Good day to you sirs!
BAFFLED!
Quote of the day:
Me: "Mom, I can't stand how the movie industry sucks so much. Why is it like that?"
Mom: (Yes my mom): "It's because of all the incest!"
(Bravo mom, bravo. I don't understand your logic, but it just sounds so right.)
This movie sucked. No, correction. This movie was an abomination. If this movie were a person it would be the Hunchback of Notre Dame without the Disney Lyrics. If it was a baby it would be Rosemary's baby with the crazy projectile vomiting. This movie wasn't just borderline retarded, it was hooked up to the machines in a straight up vegetative state. This Movie blew like an expensive hooker (I say expensive because one would logically assume the whore money to blow ratio was a relative ratio and not an inverse one, hence more money, more blow.)
Now my problems with this movie:
1)Lack of consistent plot.
Now I thought that this movie was about some actors taken into the wilderness to do some real action acting, but not knowing they had stumbled into a real war zone. This, however, did not seem to be the case. In all honesty I'm not sure what the case was. It seemed like half of the characters knew they were in trouble and the other half didn't and then they would randomly change their minds throughout the movie. BAFFLED!
2)Lack of rational thought on part of ANYBODY.
Now I like a little crazy just like anybody, hell I've dated a fair bit of crazy, but I like my movies to make SENSE. I mean, A equals B therefore C. This movie was like A equals L therefore GIRAFFE. It made no sense. I completely lost what the hell was going on when the leader of the Heroine drug cartel turned out to be a 10 year old. Yes a 10 year old. I can only assume they needed someone outside the acting guild and for some reason he fit the bill. BAFFLED AGAIN!
3) It had Tom Cruise in yet another ridiculous and stupidly done role.
Anyone seen the new War of the Worlds? I did. I think I saw it anyway, that or someone snuck me in for a lobotomy. And his astounding acting worked magic yet again in this movie. That was sarcasm for NO acting, and LAME-ITY. I think his only good role was in Legend, and that was only because he was opposite Tim Curry, WOO Tim Curry, only as long as you keep your clothes on. (Footnote, See Rockie Horror) But good ol Tom thought he could pull an Eddie Murphy and dress up like some overweight summoner of cinematic evil. And all we got was Tom looking like a dork and yelling the F-word a lot. Bravo, what acting I have not seen since Aliens 3, hitherto the greatest amount of F-word uttered in one cinematic spectacle. Bravo you have successfully competed with evil acid spitting aliens and rightly so, now go home and learn to act like someone other than Tom Cruise. ONWARD!
4)Poor Writing
Now it is not that the writing was poor. It was just that it was utterly F-ing Horrible, the likes of which my penis could produce should it decide to grow a thumb and hold a pen, and in all honesty, it could probably pull it off without the thumb. This script looped around so much, and had so many flailing loose threads and ideas that it made no sense. It just, well, sort of rambled. Alot. How this got chosen without a LARGE re-write, I'll never know. FAVOR!
So high points of the movie, Good ol' Robert Downy Jr. playing the dude dressed like a dude playing another dude. Funny character, but if I dropped Charlie Chaplin in the middle of the Bronx I feel that it would stop being funny very quickly. As was the case with this movie. So bravo Robert, and to death and beyond for the person who cast the 10 year old as the villain.
I think they blew all their movie on this movie hiring Tom Cruise. And well frankly if you blow, you get blow.
And so I went to bed after the movie like a hungry orphan who just ate a dead rat. And the next day I watched "In the Name of the King". Starring such notables as Jason Statham from "The Transporter" and Leelee Sobieski (HAHA, who names their kid that??? You sound like a panda), Ray Liotta (Last seen in Muppets from Space. Where have you BEEN for the last 10 years??), and good old John Rhys-Davies (the only good thing about the TV show sliders, until he died for some reason.) And let me tell you, I didn't know that this movie had made it onto the TOP TEN worst movies EVER! And for some reason HBO is still advertising it like their golden child. Confused much. And so I rocked it out. And fell asleep. Woke up for awhile dazed and confused. Fell asleep. Woke up screaming, realized it was still on. Continued to scream.
This movie wasn't just bad. This movie didn't just have plot holes the size of a small moon. This movie didn't just REEK of bad acting, poor poor POOR directing, and a script that, frankly, should have been donated to the poor orphans home for gifted paper plane makers.
This movie, had Matthew Lillard as the lovable backstabbing, and for some reason incredibly Gay, nephew of the King. And Wow. I recommend this movie to any would be actor just so you can fix this portrayal in your mind as how not to act when being a Lord. Hell, how not to act EVER. It just didn't make sense, and on top of that, I don't even know if he died by the end. I think they might have just alluded to it, or perhaps covered it up with a pointless sex scene (don't get your hopes up, there was only one), or maybe even masked it with the pointless death of a child (also only one, sadly.)
I think my favorite conundrum of the movie was when the bad guy claimed to be neither good nor evil, but beyond such worldly realms. He slow ran down a little kid on foot to stab him with a sword! Really? REALLY? Did you even go back and Spellcheck your script?
I am making up a new word for people that write crap like this. It is TaintAss. Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but by GOD it makes me feel better. All you crappy script writers out there who happen to be Friends with whoever to get your scripts made, and all you actors out there who do goodness knows what to get parts that you Botch! I say TaintAss. Good day to you sirs!
BAFFLED!
Quote of the day:
Me: "Mom, I can't stand how the movie industry sucks so much. Why is it like that?"
Mom: (Yes my mom): "It's because of all the incest!"
(Bravo mom, bravo. I don't understand your logic, but it just sounds so right.)
Friday, January 9, 2009
Oh you Crazy Pets
Oh, what to blog about what to blog about. You'd think they would have come up with a better word than Blog for an online journal or posting. Blog. Sounds like a noise. But what kind of noise. Makes me think of a snail right off the bat. But what noise what a snail make other than a slurping kind. I think Blog is the noise a snail makes when it climbs upside down and falls off. Yes, I find that to be about right.
WELL, that's enough of the nonsense. Lets see what there is to talk about today shall we? Something interesting I heard today was that my brother, the big shot he is, is being forced, yes, FORCED, to take vacation. 2 weeks unpaid because of the economy. How much does THAT suck. But in all honesty he can complain all he wants cause he is still earning real money, unlike the monopoly money I earn. Hmm, I wish I earned monopoly money, at least for a little while so I could restock my board game.
Well today I had an interesting job interview with a Production Company. Went well, though I felt like the interviewer had interviewed far to many people already and was burned out poor fellow. But the amusing part about this story is a little round about. I actually asked one of my peers from back in LA for a reference and got the most joyful news. I feel okay posting it cause I do not believe that they still read this blog. But apparently one of the actors dogs made a doodie in the valet parking lot, and the valet people refused to clean it up. Well I think we can all guess where this story is going. Well, I guess my replacement really did have a ..... shitty day today? Perhaps being a PA has its .... Crappy Moments? Starting on the bottom can really make you feel like.... poo? Hmm... I'm trying to think of a whitty way to say Feces. Heh, not often I get to say that day to day, but now that I think about it, I shall. "Excuse me my good sir, but do you have any Grey Poupon?.... feces" "Why yes I do... wait, what did you just say?" "What?" "There, at the end, you just said something." "No I did not....feces" "There! You just did it again!" "Did what my good sir? I dare say you must be hearing things. Now pass the mustard .... feces"
Oh 80's commercials how you amuse me. Where did all the Mentos go?
But as far as the interview it went alright, though since the interviewer was not on his game it made me feel as though the interview did not go as well as I would have liked, that and I felt he hadn't actually read my resume so acted as though I had never worked a day in my life before. So sad. So I did the only thing a self respecting 80's child did afterword. I rolled down the windows of my Mazda 3, turned up the stereo and rocked out the cult classic of one (me) CD, Transformers the Movie. Highly regarded to be one of the unsung greats of the 80's. I have to say, you all may have liked the new "hip" transformers movie with its wacky jibe talking Optimus Prime and lewd sex scene on the hood of Bumblebees hood (who I have to add was supposed to be a Volkswagen Beetle. Way to go GM) But I shall always hold a special place in my heart that dares to go the extra mile and place a Weird Al Yankovitch song as one of its leading heartfelt tunes. "Dare to be Stupid" has never found a better home.
But such is life, and I entertained myself the remainder of the day cleaning house. Yes, it is true, I now exist somewhere between Housewife and debt payer by being a maid to the in laws. Oh life, what a curve ball you have thrown me. I was looking up how to donate blood for money the other day like some sort of junkie. I would donate sperm but in all honesty I feel like I would either mix up the two and someone would end up VERY unhappy, or I would get a phone call down the road from someone "unexpected". Man, I wish I could sell eggs like a girl. Granted a guy can sell sperm and, well, it probably goes without saying that the experience is a LOT better than giving eggs for a girl, but I can't believe it pays well. I wonder if I could sell something else. Man, if I could regrow a kidney I would ROCK that. I could sell one, be healthy still, wait for mine to regrow, then rock out another paycheck. I think you can do it with a Liver, but I like my Happy Hour.
Speaking of sexual inhibition, the dog got neutered. And in classic dog style the other one would not leave the neutered one alone. I swear if I'm ever neutered, or tubes tied, which I always thought was a cornily kosher way of saying you got a rubber band slapped on your sack, and someone tried to harass me I would probably, remaining testosterone permitting, hit them with a Pinata stick.
Poor pup, few things in the world must suck like hitting puberty and then getting your junk tweaked. Oh such a nice way to say it, good job Jesse, why thank you Jesse.
But oh pets how you amuse me. Captain eats-hit-own-hair the cat decided he had had enough the other night and blew chunks all over the bathroom. I proceeded to taunt him from the neighboring room while being the wonderful husband I am, not help to clean it up. I figure the guy who warns of the impending bomb is not responsible for the radioactive cleanup if no one listens to him. Oh silly cat and eating your fur. Why is it animals eat themselves? I'm not talking about the jolly licking which just seems to be too much high spirits in any case, I mean cats eat their hair. If a person did that they would have some sort of mental disease. Dogs eat their poop. Again if people did that they would simply have no friends, where with dogs it seems to merely enhance their popularity. I don't think Horses eat anything but they ARE horses and are kind of left with limited options. What else are pets. Fish, which often eat each other. Like the Betta fish. How in the crap can anything evolve if it attacks another of its species? I think it might just be males to males, but I mean seriously, you are a fish, you are small and highly editable, you shouldn't lower your chances of survival farther. Monkeys while not eating poo on a regular basis, sling it. Oh animal kingdom, how you baffle me. My turtle is pretty solid, though if you put anything in his tank it immediately become his obligation to move it around then knock it over. I want to get a large number of pets and have them run on treadmills for "fun" which will coincidentally power my house. Yes... yes, it is all coming together now. Just no poo slinging.
What a terrible note to end on. Fin!
Quote of the day: "Knowing her she could have fallen on fifteen dicks on the way." Courtesy of the other Bogue.
WELL, that's enough of the nonsense. Lets see what there is to talk about today shall we? Something interesting I heard today was that my brother, the big shot he is, is being forced, yes, FORCED, to take vacation. 2 weeks unpaid because of the economy. How much does THAT suck. But in all honesty he can complain all he wants cause he is still earning real money, unlike the monopoly money I earn. Hmm, I wish I earned monopoly money, at least for a little while so I could restock my board game.
Well today I had an interesting job interview with a Production Company. Went well, though I felt like the interviewer had interviewed far to many people already and was burned out poor fellow. But the amusing part about this story is a little round about. I actually asked one of my peers from back in LA for a reference and got the most joyful news. I feel okay posting it cause I do not believe that they still read this blog. But apparently one of the actors dogs made a doodie in the valet parking lot, and the valet people refused to clean it up. Well I think we can all guess where this story is going. Well, I guess my replacement really did have a ..... shitty day today? Perhaps being a PA has its .... Crappy Moments? Starting on the bottom can really make you feel like.... poo? Hmm... I'm trying to think of a whitty way to say Feces. Heh, not often I get to say that day to day, but now that I think about it, I shall. "Excuse me my good sir, but do you have any Grey Poupon?.... feces" "Why yes I do... wait, what did you just say?" "What?" "There, at the end, you just said something." "No I did not....feces" "There! You just did it again!" "Did what my good sir? I dare say you must be hearing things. Now pass the mustard .... feces"
Oh 80's commercials how you amuse me. Where did all the Mentos go?
But as far as the interview it went alright, though since the interviewer was not on his game it made me feel as though the interview did not go as well as I would have liked, that and I felt he hadn't actually read my resume so acted as though I had never worked a day in my life before. So sad. So I did the only thing a self respecting 80's child did afterword. I rolled down the windows of my Mazda 3, turned up the stereo and rocked out the cult classic of one (me) CD, Transformers the Movie. Highly regarded to be one of the unsung greats of the 80's. I have to say, you all may have liked the new "hip" transformers movie with its wacky jibe talking Optimus Prime and lewd sex scene on the hood of Bumblebees hood (who I have to add was supposed to be a Volkswagen Beetle. Way to go GM) But I shall always hold a special place in my heart that dares to go the extra mile and place a Weird Al Yankovitch song as one of its leading heartfelt tunes. "Dare to be Stupid" has never found a better home.
But such is life, and I entertained myself the remainder of the day cleaning house. Yes, it is true, I now exist somewhere between Housewife and debt payer by being a maid to the in laws. Oh life, what a curve ball you have thrown me. I was looking up how to donate blood for money the other day like some sort of junkie. I would donate sperm but in all honesty I feel like I would either mix up the two and someone would end up VERY unhappy, or I would get a phone call down the road from someone "unexpected". Man, I wish I could sell eggs like a girl. Granted a guy can sell sperm and, well, it probably goes without saying that the experience is a LOT better than giving eggs for a girl, but I can't believe it pays well. I wonder if I could sell something else. Man, if I could regrow a kidney I would ROCK that. I could sell one, be healthy still, wait for mine to regrow, then rock out another paycheck. I think you can do it with a Liver, but I like my Happy Hour.
Speaking of sexual inhibition, the dog got neutered. And in classic dog style the other one would not leave the neutered one alone. I swear if I'm ever neutered, or tubes tied, which I always thought was a cornily kosher way of saying you got a rubber band slapped on your sack, and someone tried to harass me I would probably, remaining testosterone permitting, hit them with a Pinata stick.
Poor pup, few things in the world must suck like hitting puberty and then getting your junk tweaked. Oh such a nice way to say it, good job Jesse, why thank you Jesse.
But oh pets how you amuse me. Captain eats-hit-own-hair the cat decided he had had enough the other night and blew chunks all over the bathroom. I proceeded to taunt him from the neighboring room while being the wonderful husband I am, not help to clean it up. I figure the guy who warns of the impending bomb is not responsible for the radioactive cleanup if no one listens to him. Oh silly cat and eating your fur. Why is it animals eat themselves? I'm not talking about the jolly licking which just seems to be too much high spirits in any case, I mean cats eat their hair. If a person did that they would have some sort of mental disease. Dogs eat their poop. Again if people did that they would simply have no friends, where with dogs it seems to merely enhance their popularity. I don't think Horses eat anything but they ARE horses and are kind of left with limited options. What else are pets. Fish, which often eat each other. Like the Betta fish. How in the crap can anything evolve if it attacks another of its species? I think it might just be males to males, but I mean seriously, you are a fish, you are small and highly editable, you shouldn't lower your chances of survival farther. Monkeys while not eating poo on a regular basis, sling it. Oh animal kingdom, how you baffle me. My turtle is pretty solid, though if you put anything in his tank it immediately become his obligation to move it around then knock it over. I want to get a large number of pets and have them run on treadmills for "fun" which will coincidentally power my house. Yes... yes, it is all coming together now. Just no poo slinging.
What a terrible note to end on. Fin!
Quote of the day: "Knowing her she could have fallen on fifteen dicks on the way." Courtesy of the other Bogue.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Holidays
Well well well. Haven't we been away for awhile. But there is good news and bad for any time spent away from the keys, but I shall get to all of that in time.
WELL, where to start. Seeing as I can't recall what I wrote last time and I'm too lazy to go back and check I'll do a quick synopsis. I finally landed a job as a bartender/server at a local restaurant, huzza employment, but am still applying like crazy to jobs. After a small application hiatus I started applying in the new year *fingers crossed* and have passed the 120 jobs applied mark. It just amuses me to think that there are now 119 (not 120 cause I got ONE of them) that are employed before I was. As the French do not say, Le Sigh.
But onward and upward. Still applying to jobs, and let me tell you, while people are usually out at work during the day weird shit happens at home. Such as I sit here typing and at the same time I watch the cat, lovable spunk that he is, clean himself. What I did not know about cats however, or at least this one, is that he likes to tear chunks, yes CHUNKS of fur out and then EAT them. Yes eat them. This little guy I thought was getting fat cause we fed him too much, but no, it is a straight process of recycling. And that is why this cat has very definitively been placed under the "Gross" and the "Do Not Pet" categories of my life, right along with electric fences, sea urchins, and Rhinos in a bad temper.
Bet on to the holidays. The Holiday's both Turkey Day and Santa Day went off without much trouble. Turkey day visited the folks who live in the middle of NOWHERE. I thought I had been to the middle of nowhere before, I have pictures, but apparently there are two nowheres and this is the latter. But mom and dad, lovable tikes that they are, made a spankin good turkey day dinner, and much eating was had. My rents, btw, live in a castle. No no, not rich, not even too upscale, but why a castle you say? Cause they are renting it from a crazy person. And not just any crazy person, a crazy person who built a castle out of second hand cheap parts. It is a normal house with the following:
Giant freaking Castle Door, with a hatch so you can see people outside, as though the windows right next to the door were not enough. Perhaps they can only be seen from the front.
Side Note: The cat is now having a dream. I did not know cat's dreamed, I mean I assumed it, but I did not expect the seizures of movement, the mumbled meows, and the subsequent rolling off of the couch. Yes, dogs may dream, but they start off on the floor, but cats like to dream on top of bookshelves. Not the best option in my opinion, no I don't think so.
Castle continues: There is actually a suit of armor in the front parlor. Made out of, what was that? Aluminum Foil. This is the fakest armor I have ever seen. All the crown molding is very Gothic, and the fireplace stretches from floor to second floor ceiling but everything reeks of, well how can I say it, Ikea. Yes, this is a do it yourself, second hand woodcut, castle. And the pinnacle of this is achieved with the tight spiral staircase from, yes, Ikea. I wouldn't trust myself to walk up and down this and nearly pooed when three other people tried to climb it at once. Oh, standards, where have ye gone. (You like the use of ye? I was going for that Castley feel.)
So Turkey day to Christmas was more of the same. Generally trying to get the better of the world but failing like a math test where I ate my pencil.
Christmas! Ah the Christmas holiday. I have to say I was excited about this one, mainly cause the wife would be home to keep me company. The one thing I didn't count on was that she would not be home, and nor would I. Because she would have taken me out Shopping. Huzza, being out on Christmas Eve, shopping. Actually between the recession and online access it wasn't that bad, but you have to understand this. If you have money during a recession, and aren't shopping online that just makes you a very rich, very very stupid person. And yes, they were in no short supply this holiday. It is strange how angry shopping bleeds over into angry driving. How I survived I'll never know. Perhaps I didn't and this lack of getting a job is simply one of the flags to denote that I've made it safely to hell. Couldn't say. But Christmas was nice, my bro joined us and we had days out with friends, much merriment etc etc. Relatives over, relatives being "Relatives" at each other, which bubbles down to a Middle School prom where the group splits in half and stares at each other across the room. But everyone was friendly and no one offered to carve the turkey with too much enthusiasm. Didn't get much for the holidays. A nice coat so I can actually not freeze.
Interesting side note. I do not like how I approach shopping. Don't know how I got like this but I did. It basically boils down to, if I can physically survive without actually dying with what I currently have or can scrap together or borrow, I don't need a new one. This is why I have been rocking the old school Nintendo for the last 20 years. If it was good enough for me when I was 8 then it is good enough for me now. But luckily my lady forces me to go shopping. *clicks heels in joy, but realized that I'm weak from walking around the mall for fifty hours* And so I have a new coat, and no longer get sick from running around outside in my underwear and a t-shirt. (They have a very relaxed neighborhood here)
Lets see, also got some money, cause I don't got none. Holiday's are like my second job. Huzza. Well that was meant to be a sarcastic huzza, but you can't tell on here. From now on sarcastic huzzas will be spelled Huzzack! I like that, just a little flair of rational thinking and a whole lot of 1980's cartoon influence. Huzzack!
The wife cleaned house this Christmas, hence we don't have one. Oh but I jest. She got some nice things and so did everyone else, merriment and too much eating all around.
New Years was fun, did a little party hopping and the second place we stopped in at was playing the best new drinking game EVER! My brother had told me about it and in classic Jo fashion he took it to extremes. But let me explain.
The game is called Wizard's Staff. It is played by finishing beer can 1. Acquire beer can 2 while holding onto beer can 1. Tape unopened beer can 2 to the top of beer can 1 (I think you can see where I'm going with this). Then drink beer 2 while taped to beer can 1 (empty). And so you keep stacking your beer cans while making it harder to drink. And when I say my bro took it to extremes I mean he had two people helping him hold his staff while he drank (my that sounds wrong) all while playing the game by himself. Rock out bro, rock out.
Ah, but my favorite part of the game as I was introduced to it was, as you get cans, you get abilities and spells. 3 cans = you can use the bathroom. So drink up quick! 4 cans = you can play beerpong. And they go on, I shall need to find definitive rules for this, but a couple I truly liked were 9 = you can cast silence on people. Hey crazy lady no one likes but got invited cause your bangin my bud. SILENCE! And the world is a slightly better place. Or 15 = Invisibility. Now I don't know if this is more fun for the person who has reached level 15 cause he can claim to be invisible and people should play along, or if it is more fun for everyone else to watch a guy a case deep trying to act invisible. Something makes me think that in those special cases the naked guy will suddenly make an appearance at the party.
But New Years was fun.
And now we are in the New Year! 2009. Well, 2008 was sort of a bust so lets see how this one goes. Any new years resolutions people? People keep asking what mine are, and I have to admit that makes me wonder if I look like I need a resolution. Am I obscenely fat or are people trying to drop me hints about a smell or perhaps a hairstyle? Not sure. I think I shall resolve to just kick a lot of ass. And if at the end of the year I have a trail of people hobbling and limping behind me with severe rump issues I will know not to roll with a metaphor the coming year.
Rock out!
WELL, where to start. Seeing as I can't recall what I wrote last time and I'm too lazy to go back and check I'll do a quick synopsis. I finally landed a job as a bartender/server at a local restaurant, huzza employment, but am still applying like crazy to jobs. After a small application hiatus I started applying in the new year *fingers crossed* and have passed the 120 jobs applied mark. It just amuses me to think that there are now 119 (not 120 cause I got ONE of them) that are employed before I was. As the French do not say, Le Sigh.
But onward and upward. Still applying to jobs, and let me tell you, while people are usually out at work during the day weird shit happens at home. Such as I sit here typing and at the same time I watch the cat, lovable spunk that he is, clean himself. What I did not know about cats however, or at least this one, is that he likes to tear chunks, yes CHUNKS of fur out and then EAT them. Yes eat them. This little guy I thought was getting fat cause we fed him too much, but no, it is a straight process of recycling. And that is why this cat has very definitively been placed under the "Gross" and the "Do Not Pet" categories of my life, right along with electric fences, sea urchins, and Rhinos in a bad temper.
Bet on to the holidays. The Holiday's both Turkey Day and Santa Day went off without much trouble. Turkey day visited the folks who live in the middle of NOWHERE. I thought I had been to the middle of nowhere before, I have pictures, but apparently there are two nowheres and this is the latter. But mom and dad, lovable tikes that they are, made a spankin good turkey day dinner, and much eating was had. My rents, btw, live in a castle. No no, not rich, not even too upscale, but why a castle you say? Cause they are renting it from a crazy person. And not just any crazy person, a crazy person who built a castle out of second hand cheap parts. It is a normal house with the following:
Giant freaking Castle Door, with a hatch so you can see people outside, as though the windows right next to the door were not enough. Perhaps they can only be seen from the front.
Side Note: The cat is now having a dream. I did not know cat's dreamed, I mean I assumed it, but I did not expect the seizures of movement, the mumbled meows, and the subsequent rolling off of the couch. Yes, dogs may dream, but they start off on the floor, but cats like to dream on top of bookshelves. Not the best option in my opinion, no I don't think so.
Castle continues: There is actually a suit of armor in the front parlor. Made out of, what was that? Aluminum Foil. This is the fakest armor I have ever seen. All the crown molding is very Gothic, and the fireplace stretches from floor to second floor ceiling but everything reeks of, well how can I say it, Ikea. Yes, this is a do it yourself, second hand woodcut, castle. And the pinnacle of this is achieved with the tight spiral staircase from, yes, Ikea. I wouldn't trust myself to walk up and down this and nearly pooed when three other people tried to climb it at once. Oh, standards, where have ye gone. (You like the use of ye? I was going for that Castley feel.)
So Turkey day to Christmas was more of the same. Generally trying to get the better of the world but failing like a math test where I ate my pencil.
Christmas! Ah the Christmas holiday. I have to say I was excited about this one, mainly cause the wife would be home to keep me company. The one thing I didn't count on was that she would not be home, and nor would I. Because she would have taken me out Shopping. Huzza, being out on Christmas Eve, shopping. Actually between the recession and online access it wasn't that bad, but you have to understand this. If you have money during a recession, and aren't shopping online that just makes you a very rich, very very stupid person. And yes, they were in no short supply this holiday. It is strange how angry shopping bleeds over into angry driving. How I survived I'll never know. Perhaps I didn't and this lack of getting a job is simply one of the flags to denote that I've made it safely to hell. Couldn't say. But Christmas was nice, my bro joined us and we had days out with friends, much merriment etc etc. Relatives over, relatives being "Relatives" at each other, which bubbles down to a Middle School prom where the group splits in half and stares at each other across the room. But everyone was friendly and no one offered to carve the turkey with too much enthusiasm. Didn't get much for the holidays. A nice coat so I can actually not freeze.
Interesting side note. I do not like how I approach shopping. Don't know how I got like this but I did. It basically boils down to, if I can physically survive without actually dying with what I currently have or can scrap together or borrow, I don't need a new one. This is why I have been rocking the old school Nintendo for the last 20 years. If it was good enough for me when I was 8 then it is good enough for me now. But luckily my lady forces me to go shopping. *clicks heels in joy, but realized that I'm weak from walking around the mall for fifty hours* And so I have a new coat, and no longer get sick from running around outside in my underwear and a t-shirt. (They have a very relaxed neighborhood here)
Lets see, also got some money, cause I don't got none. Holiday's are like my second job. Huzza. Well that was meant to be a sarcastic huzza, but you can't tell on here. From now on sarcastic huzzas will be spelled Huzzack! I like that, just a little flair of rational thinking and a whole lot of 1980's cartoon influence. Huzzack!
The wife cleaned house this Christmas, hence we don't have one. Oh but I jest. She got some nice things and so did everyone else, merriment and too much eating all around.
New Years was fun, did a little party hopping and the second place we stopped in at was playing the best new drinking game EVER! My brother had told me about it and in classic Jo fashion he took it to extremes. But let me explain.
The game is called Wizard's Staff. It is played by finishing beer can 1. Acquire beer can 2 while holding onto beer can 1. Tape unopened beer can 2 to the top of beer can 1 (I think you can see where I'm going with this). Then drink beer 2 while taped to beer can 1 (empty). And so you keep stacking your beer cans while making it harder to drink. And when I say my bro took it to extremes I mean he had two people helping him hold his staff while he drank (my that sounds wrong) all while playing the game by himself. Rock out bro, rock out.
Ah, but my favorite part of the game as I was introduced to it was, as you get cans, you get abilities and spells. 3 cans = you can use the bathroom. So drink up quick! 4 cans = you can play beerpong. And they go on, I shall need to find definitive rules for this, but a couple I truly liked were 9 = you can cast silence on people. Hey crazy lady no one likes but got invited cause your bangin my bud. SILENCE! And the world is a slightly better place. Or 15 = Invisibility. Now I don't know if this is more fun for the person who has reached level 15 cause he can claim to be invisible and people should play along, or if it is more fun for everyone else to watch a guy a case deep trying to act invisible. Something makes me think that in those special cases the naked guy will suddenly make an appearance at the party.
But New Years was fun.
And now we are in the New Year! 2009. Well, 2008 was sort of a bust so lets see how this one goes. Any new years resolutions people? People keep asking what mine are, and I have to admit that makes me wonder if I look like I need a resolution. Am I obscenely fat or are people trying to drop me hints about a smell or perhaps a hairstyle? Not sure. I think I shall resolve to just kick a lot of ass. And if at the end of the year I have a trail of people hobbling and limping behind me with severe rump issues I will know not to roll with a metaphor the coming year.
Rock out!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
