Lets see, this is a bit of a copout, I know, I should feel bad but I just can't bring myself to, so HA! But this is a post I had started yet had not finished so, am doing so now. Perhaps I should have left that information out and just seemed like a go getter, but, well I'm not. I'm more like a sit here and watch em get away, that coupled with my girl's good cooking is making any gym membership a waste of money.
But on we go!
I figured I would touch on some general terminology for peeps, cause when I came out to Cali I was a bit of a moron when it came to terms. Granted you don't do much as a PA, but when you don't know what people are talking about you just sound like a very sad PA, of the run home and cry into your pillow variety. So let us begin.
Haitus Week:
Most shows will go as I said before where the writers write a later episode, and crew films the actors during the week and so on. Now a Hiatus week is where the actors and writers "rest up" and "regain their mojo" and so forth. For us we take Hiatus every three weeks. During Hiatus week we get shorter hours in the office, the writers are either relaxed or gone, and the set and actors are MIA. Most likely on some whirlwind adventure or something, who knows with those silly tikes. But apparently the hiatus week is where the crazy TV world becomes a real 9-5. I havn't seen this in action yet, but we shall see. ** Now I have seen in it action and I have this to say, Pa Sha! The hours are about the same, the Writers, poor souls, still come in and write thier faces off, we the grunts continue our monotany, and the actors get to go play in a field somewhere cause they don't have to work.
Call Sheet:
It's a list of everyone's nicknames. Everyone on the show gets a nickname and goes by it cause frankly there are too many Bill's and Bob's. It is essential when beginning any job to ask around until someone can give you a complete call sheet so you know everyone's "real name".
But not really.
I'm hoping somone had to read this and stopped about halfway through, and will now go around asking for a list of everyone's nicknames. *insert evil laugh here* yea, it's one of those days so far.
No, a call sheet is actually where and when everyone needs to be for the day. Call times, shoot times and so forth. Ta-da!
Block and Shoot Schedule:
Contrary to popular belief, not where you shoot at blocks. This list says where and when all shooting takes place. You would use it to know what is going down at any given point in time for filming.
Production Report:
This comes after the fact. It sort of summarized what went on and at what times. Kind of like a call sheet's bastard child after the fact sort of thing.
Contract:
A contract is a contract is a contract. There are a lot of them though. If you can, read them, but if you like staying sane, don't. But know who gets which kind cause that is important info.
Distro List:
A list of who gets what copies of what. There will be a LOT of copying as a PA, and by a LOT I mean a.... oh, damn, how do I increase the font here. LOT. No, not quite big enough. Well, imagine you had like 2 monitors stacked one on top of the other. Now image the word LOT on them. Now that you have that useless image, simply imagine all the paperwork you've ever done times about eight. But needless to say knowing who gets what is important. And if you screw up, you die.
But that is good for terms for now. Couple pieces of advice, know what things are, and never have to ask, but if you do have to ask, don't ask twice, cause people's opinions of you will decrease exponentially, and seeing as they start out thinking very little of you, they will soon be using you to hold thier coffee as a table, for that is how intelligent they shall think you be!
Time for the fin!Lets see, this is a bit of a copout, I know, I should feel bad but I just can't bring myself to, so HA! But this is a post I had started yet had not finished so, am doing so now. Perhaps I should have left that information out and just seemed like a go getter, but, well I'm not. I'm more like a sit here and watch em get away, that coupled with my girl's good cooking is making any gym membership a waste of money.
But on we go!
I figured I would touch on some general terminology for peeps, cause when I came out to Cali I was a bit of a moron when it came to terms. Granted you don't do much as a PA, but when you don't know what people are talking about you just sound like a very sad PA, of the run home and cry into your pillow variety. So let us begin.
Haitus Week:
Most shows will go as I said before where the writers write a later episode, and crew films the actors during the week and so on. Now a Hiatus week is where the actors and writers "rest up" and "regain their mojo" and so forth. For us we take Hiatus every three weeks. During Hiatus week we get shorter hours in the office, the writers are either relaxed or gone, and the set and actors are MIA. Most likely on some whirlwind adventure or something, who knows with those silly tikes. But apparently the hiatus week is where the crazy TV world becomes a real 9-5. I havn't seen this in action yet, but we shall see. ** Now I have seen in it action and I have this to say, Pa Sha! The hours are about the same, the Writers, poor souls, still come in and write thier faces off, we the grunts continue our monotany, and the actors get to go play in a field somewhere cause they don't have to work.
Call Sheet:
It's a list of everyone's nicknames. Everyone on the show gets a nickname and goes by it cause frankly there are too many Bill's and Bob's. It is essential when beginning any job to ask around until someone can give you a complete call sheet so you know everyone's "real name".
But not really.
I'm hoping somone had to read this and stopped about halfway through, and will now go around asking for a list of everyone's nicknames. *insert evil laugh here* yea, it's one of those days so far.
No, a call sheet is actually where and when everyone needs to be for the day. Call times, shoot times and so forth. Ta-da!
Block and Shoot Schedule:
Contrary to popular belief, not where you shoot at blocks. This list says where and when all shooting takes place. You would use it to know what is going down at any given point in time for filming.
Production Report:
This comes after the fact. It sort of summarized what went on and at what times. Kind of like a call sheet's bastard child after the fact sort of thing.
Contract:
A contract is a contract is a contract. There are a lot of them though. If you can, read them, but if you like staying sane, don't. But know who gets which kind cause that is important info.
Distro List:
A list of who gets what copies of what. There will be a LOT of copying as a PA, and by a LOT I mean a.... oh, damn, how do I increase the font here. LOT. No, not quite big enough. Well, imagine you had like 2 monitors stacked one on top of the other. Now image the word LOT on them. Now that you have that useless image, simply imagine all the paperwork you've ever done times about eight. But needless to say knowing who gets what is important. And if you screw up, you die.
But that is good for terms for now. Couple pieces of advice, know what things are, and never have to ask, but if you do have to ask, don't ask twice, cause people's opinions of you will decrease exponentially, and seeing as they start out thinking very little of you, they will soon be using you to hold thier coffee as a table, for that is how intelligent they shall think you be!
Time for the fin!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Whoops! and the five year plan realized.
Well, they read my blog and I got fired.
HA! No, my superiors are too nice for that. I actually quit. Long story short, moved to LA with the wife, she had a job set up through an agency, the agency fell through and she got an opportunity back east, and after looking at the five year plan, (what an evil idea that is, whoever came up with that is both brilliant and evil like doctor claw from inspector gadget but with less flying car) we had to rush and decide that our best options would be to move home for long term job prospects, money, family blah blah blah and all the other stuff that we don't like to think ahead for unless we have to, and unfortunately we had to. So sad! But I'll be damned if a second trip across the US in a short period of time will stop me from trying. So! This blog will be dedicated, continued, to the things I learn and see about the working world and everything, cause I feel like of all the people I know I am really good at making mistakes and blundering into things, so by jove I shall pass on this wonderful learning experience.
So, thing to learn from this blog. The five year plan and why it is important.
Thinking ahead really sucks, can't lie about that. If I had stayed in LA, who knows what would have happened. LA is much like a very large gamble, where it is the people you meet and ... well, the people you meet that make you who you are and put you where you will go. Oh, yea, you have some say, but not a whole lot. I mean if you want to make up an imaginary friend or some illustirous sock puppet with whom you can join in social occasion it is likely that at the end of the day that they will be unable to forward you on to the next job, whereas your fellow employers and who they know, will. So, as I say, LA is one large gamble. One job leads to the next, and you will have to get a new job as though it were a yearly ritual. Quite the stress causer. But people put up with it all. Why? I have my theories. Number one being, yes, sunlight. I think the massive infusion of sunlight all the time with no rain makes people impervious to overworking, overstressing, and general mal-content. Think about it. How many times have you almost kicked down your bosses door to quit on a rainy day? You can't out there. Granted there is a hazy period in the mornings where the oblivion of daily life weighs you down, but those above you tend to roll in a little later after the sun has come out and, well frankly, your sunlight infusion, much like a big glass of sunny delight, has by then made all your cares go away. That's just my scientific observation.
But additionally, there are a billion people who want to huddle near the spotlight just for the sake of being there, so the buisiness can work people hard for not a lot of money beacuse if you feel like you are getting the short end of the stick there is someone right behind you who is willing to not only take the short end of the stick but the trunk, ground and rootball of the tree too but tuppence a day. *Side note: Tuppence = Not a lot of pay, but in a British funny ha ha sort of way. The more you know!*
My my, I do ramble.
But back to my original ramble. People don't ever REALLY think about the 5 year plan. Where they want to be in 5 years usually is just thier work position. But it is really the following, so if you plan on doing the 5 year plan follow this guide:
1) Work position, yea I know I just said it wasn't the only thing, but it is important. Now with work position, this means in 5 years will you be doing something you LIKE. The catch for this is, you need to also think about NOW. Are you doing something you like? Will it still be something you like in 5 years? Does it have dynamic enough to keep you interested? Granted if you are still interested in 5 years you are probably gold for another 50. Woo retirement eh?
2) PAY! PAY PAY PAY. How much do you take home to the bank? But I will come back to this, I just had to get it out there.
1.5) AGE: Odd thing to say, but there it is. How old will you be in 5 years? Me? I will be 27 + 5 = 32. Damn, 32? That is pretty old. Well, not really, but still, it means retirement is only 30 ish years away. So on to 1.6
1.6) At said age, what do you want? For example. Kids, house, boat, single, married. Here is a helpful chart for what you want at that age vs. income level.:
Single : You can be poor as ass. Hell you can live out of a cardboard box because the wife won't be yelling at you to clean up your mess.
Married: You can NOT be poor as ass, and you can NOT sadly, live out of a cardboard box. Basically when you get married you will have to take your prior standard of living (Dormitory, socks and underwear on floor) and her prior standard of living (Sorority house, moderately clean, cute with crap on the wall) and times it by like 80 = 2 room apartment, clean, safe neighborhood, dinner on the table and so on. And YES this is proportional. If you both live in nice apartments now, you will need *she will want* a bigger nicer one, and if you were both living by yourselves it is reasonable to guess you will need a house. And so on. Doom to the checkbook.
Kids: Yes kids come before house. And yes you may say well you have to feed kids and plan for college and all that, but then if you think about it... house. You can park a frikkin car in it. Can you build a porch on your kid? No. Point made.
House: Its a house. It will make you poor.
Boat: If you can afford a boat. You are very not poor. But you will need a lot of money, or a trailer hitch, some dark clothing, wire cutters and a loose moral fiber.
So, once you decide what level you want to be at in 5 years by age, you are good to start thinking. 32 = House and maybe kids by then. Yes I know that is backwards from the list, but you can skip a level and come back to it. You can own a house before you get married. Hell if you can get a boat before marriage I recommend it! Lets her know what comes with the package.
And now we are back to 2) PAY. You need to be able to afford these things. Can you, by the time alloted, earn enough money to be there? Dunno? Best think about it. I know that for my age I am several rungs down the ladder on the pay scale, esp. since I was just making 8$ an hour in LA. So I am going to need to find some heavy pay to get up to par. So we shall see.
But that is basically the five year plan, or how much of it I can remember as I haven't eaten yet and tend to get a little lost reading my own typing. But I hope it helps map out a bit.
But like I said. I am moving to the east. I am very sad about this, but believe financially and for the sake of family it will be for the best. If it had worked out differently I would have stayed, but it didn't and there is no use lamenting. Laminating, yes, cause sometimes you just want stuff to look nice, but not lamenting. So my next blog will be about how to have fun crossing the US. Cause, well, it is! All with it's big balls of yarn, pioneer farms and other crazy tourist stops on the way. 50 hour drive. Should be fun.
To be continued.
HA! No, my superiors are too nice for that. I actually quit. Long story short, moved to LA with the wife, she had a job set up through an agency, the agency fell through and she got an opportunity back east, and after looking at the five year plan, (what an evil idea that is, whoever came up with that is both brilliant and evil like doctor claw from inspector gadget but with less flying car) we had to rush and decide that our best options would be to move home for long term job prospects, money, family blah blah blah and all the other stuff that we don't like to think ahead for unless we have to, and unfortunately we had to. So sad! But I'll be damned if a second trip across the US in a short period of time will stop me from trying. So! This blog will be dedicated, continued, to the things I learn and see about the working world and everything, cause I feel like of all the people I know I am really good at making mistakes and blundering into things, so by jove I shall pass on this wonderful learning experience.
So, thing to learn from this blog. The five year plan and why it is important.
Thinking ahead really sucks, can't lie about that. If I had stayed in LA, who knows what would have happened. LA is much like a very large gamble, where it is the people you meet and ... well, the people you meet that make you who you are and put you where you will go. Oh, yea, you have some say, but not a whole lot. I mean if you want to make up an imaginary friend or some illustirous sock puppet with whom you can join in social occasion it is likely that at the end of the day that they will be unable to forward you on to the next job, whereas your fellow employers and who they know, will. So, as I say, LA is one large gamble. One job leads to the next, and you will have to get a new job as though it were a yearly ritual. Quite the stress causer. But people put up with it all. Why? I have my theories. Number one being, yes, sunlight. I think the massive infusion of sunlight all the time with no rain makes people impervious to overworking, overstressing, and general mal-content. Think about it. How many times have you almost kicked down your bosses door to quit on a rainy day? You can't out there. Granted there is a hazy period in the mornings where the oblivion of daily life weighs you down, but those above you tend to roll in a little later after the sun has come out and, well frankly, your sunlight infusion, much like a big glass of sunny delight, has by then made all your cares go away. That's just my scientific observation.
But additionally, there are a billion people who want to huddle near the spotlight just for the sake of being there, so the buisiness can work people hard for not a lot of money beacuse if you feel like you are getting the short end of the stick there is someone right behind you who is willing to not only take the short end of the stick but the trunk, ground and rootball of the tree too but tuppence a day. *Side note: Tuppence = Not a lot of pay, but in a British funny ha ha sort of way. The more you know!*
My my, I do ramble.
But back to my original ramble. People don't ever REALLY think about the 5 year plan. Where they want to be in 5 years usually is just thier work position. But it is really the following, so if you plan on doing the 5 year plan follow this guide:
1) Work position, yea I know I just said it wasn't the only thing, but it is important. Now with work position, this means in 5 years will you be doing something you LIKE. The catch for this is, you need to also think about NOW. Are you doing something you like? Will it still be something you like in 5 years? Does it have dynamic enough to keep you interested? Granted if you are still interested in 5 years you are probably gold for another 50. Woo retirement eh?
2) PAY! PAY PAY PAY. How much do you take home to the bank? But I will come back to this, I just had to get it out there.
1.5) AGE: Odd thing to say, but there it is. How old will you be in 5 years? Me? I will be 27 + 5 = 32. Damn, 32? That is pretty old. Well, not really, but still, it means retirement is only 30 ish years away. So on to 1.6
1.6) At said age, what do you want? For example. Kids, house, boat, single, married. Here is a helpful chart for what you want at that age vs. income level.:
Single : You can be poor as ass. Hell you can live out of a cardboard box because the wife won't be yelling at you to clean up your mess.
Married: You can NOT be poor as ass, and you can NOT sadly, live out of a cardboard box. Basically when you get married you will have to take your prior standard of living (Dormitory, socks and underwear on floor) and her prior standard of living (Sorority house, moderately clean, cute with crap on the wall) and times it by like 80 = 2 room apartment, clean, safe neighborhood, dinner on the table and so on. And YES this is proportional. If you both live in nice apartments now, you will need *she will want* a bigger nicer one, and if you were both living by yourselves it is reasonable to guess you will need a house. And so on. Doom to the checkbook.
Kids: Yes kids come before house. And yes you may say well you have to feed kids and plan for college and all that, but then if you think about it... house. You can park a frikkin car in it. Can you build a porch on your kid? No. Point made.
House: Its a house. It will make you poor.
Boat: If you can afford a boat. You are very not poor. But you will need a lot of money, or a trailer hitch, some dark clothing, wire cutters and a loose moral fiber.
So, once you decide what level you want to be at in 5 years by age, you are good to start thinking. 32 = House and maybe kids by then. Yes I know that is backwards from the list, but you can skip a level and come back to it. You can own a house before you get married. Hell if you can get a boat before marriage I recommend it! Lets her know what comes with the package.
And now we are back to 2) PAY. You need to be able to afford these things. Can you, by the time alloted, earn enough money to be there? Dunno? Best think about it. I know that for my age I am several rungs down the ladder on the pay scale, esp. since I was just making 8$ an hour in LA. So I am going to need to find some heavy pay to get up to par. So we shall see.
But that is basically the five year plan, or how much of it I can remember as I haven't eaten yet and tend to get a little lost reading my own typing. But I hope it helps map out a bit.
But like I said. I am moving to the east. I am very sad about this, but believe financially and for the sake of family it will be for the best. If it had worked out differently I would have stayed, but it didn't and there is no use lamenting. Laminating, yes, cause sometimes you just want stuff to look nice, but not lamenting. So my next blog will be about how to have fun crossing the US. Cause, well, it is! All with it's big balls of yarn, pioneer farms and other crazy tourist stops on the way. 50 hour drive. Should be fun.
To be continued.
Monday, September 8, 2008
This is the way its going to be. You have been warned.
First off I must appologize. It has been awhile since I last posted and I must say I feel a bit of a heel for this, but the reason for which shall be explained in the next blog. But to continue : I was rather surprised when I found out people were reading my blog. I honestly didn't know that what I was writing held much interest for people, but surprises are fun, now aren't they.
But now for the serious part. I had the poor foresight to allow people at my work place to read my blog. Boo on me. So for the past week I've been wrestling with the worry about doing another blog about my feelings about work and LA, and you know what?
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
If you are reading this and I work for you, don't read further. This blog is meant to be a record of my thoughts, so, well freedom of speech and all that. I don't actually know how to make a blog private or anything, and even so, I wouldn't want to make it so people couldn't read it. All that should be known is that I like to vent, and this is fun. Oh granted I could tell my better half, but frankly I am starting to think she is smarter than me, and when I talk about work I feel like she is plotting the assasination of those in my way, and that is a little frightening. Very mother bear syndrome. So I enjoy this form of mental release. Wow, I just refered to the girl as a mother bear, I sure hope that doesn't come back to haunt me. Oh well, I'll just pretend the delete key on the keyboard is broken. SO!
On to better things.
But to wrap this one up, let it be known I like the people I work with, I truly do. They are very nice and helpful. I think a lot of what people in LA believe to be reality is both ridiculous and unfortunately very true.
For example. It is 100% necessary to work as a PA until you meet enough people one or more of who will say "Well, they've earned my respect by putting up with a very tedious job. I will give them a hand up."
HOWEVER, I think it really goes more like this: "Well, Bob there has put up with our immense amount of hazing. And I like the kid, he's friendly. I will help him out cause it sucked when I was a PA."
Can anyone tell me the key difference between the two? That's right. Respect, there ain't none. HA!
But that is the way the buisiness goes. It is referred to as "the last artisan assistantship" out there, but it is more like a hazing bonding experience of the working world. Tis honestly like a different country.
To be continued!
But now for the serious part. I had the poor foresight to allow people at my work place to read my blog. Boo on me. So for the past week I've been wrestling with the worry about doing another blog about my feelings about work and LA, and you know what?
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
If you are reading this and I work for you, don't read further. This blog is meant to be a record of my thoughts, so, well freedom of speech and all that. I don't actually know how to make a blog private or anything, and even so, I wouldn't want to make it so people couldn't read it. All that should be known is that I like to vent, and this is fun. Oh granted I could tell my better half, but frankly I am starting to think she is smarter than me, and when I talk about work I feel like she is plotting the assasination of those in my way, and that is a little frightening. Very mother bear syndrome. So I enjoy this form of mental release. Wow, I just refered to the girl as a mother bear, I sure hope that doesn't come back to haunt me. Oh well, I'll just pretend the delete key on the keyboard is broken. SO!
On to better things.
But to wrap this one up, let it be known I like the people I work with, I truly do. They are very nice and helpful. I think a lot of what people in LA believe to be reality is both ridiculous and unfortunately very true.
For example. It is 100% necessary to work as a PA until you meet enough people one or more of who will say "Well, they've earned my respect by putting up with a very tedious job. I will give them a hand up."
HOWEVER, I think it really goes more like this: "Well, Bob there has put up with our immense amount of hazing. And I like the kid, he's friendly. I will help him out cause it sucked when I was a PA."
Can anyone tell me the key difference between the two? That's right. Respect, there ain't none. HA!
But that is the way the buisiness goes. It is referred to as "the last artisan assistantship" out there, but it is more like a hazing bonding experience of the working world. Tis honestly like a different country.
To be continued!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Cheesecake Factory and my debacle Food Fetching Experience
This week we are on Hiatus. For those who don't know what that means, it means we are doing one of those weeks where you (as the viewer), hate the TV world because we are giving you a re-run and denying you a newly created show. Yep, our stage is dark and you are getting NOTHING from us except an episode you have already seen and may or may not love but will guaranteed not love as much as if it was a new episode. So le-sigh to you my friend.
But to the point of this blog, which is just to make me feel better and tell Cheesecake Factory how I had them like dog poo on the shoe, but more so cause I can't scrape Cheesecake Factory off on the curb.
Today, as I do many days, I had to go pick up lunch for a large group of people. I fax our order, call to confirm, then go pick it up. Some things that make this nice are the following, and note I am only including this list because you will see how important they are momentarily. 1) Getting the food right (kind of says itself). 2) Labeling people's food (cause I don't know what half the crap you make looks like) 3) Good and convenient parking 4) Helpful staff 5) Fast fast fast.
And now I shall detail why after work today I am going to a) go to target and buy a black stocking, and b) return to Cheesecake Factory to burn that bitch to the ground.
I arrive at "The Grove" which is basically one hella big outdoor mall as I would later determine, full of mental incompetence. And Cheesecake factory is somewhere in it. They tell me to park in the parking garage for convenient and ease as they validate up to two hours. They neglected to tell me the parking garage was a good quarter mile hike to their restaurant, and that it was uphill BOTH WAYS. That's right kids, your parents weren't lying about their daily trek to school through frostbitten weather on some mystical mountain that was somehow doubly uphill. It exists, and at the end right next to their school is apparently the forsaken cheesecake factory.
So after legging it there I go to stand next to the takeout counter and wait. And wait. And wait. and make a mental list of all the incompetent hostesses standing around chatting while I stand there looking like I need someone to help me out so that I can later extract burny downy vengeance, and I wait. Finally someone comes out from the back and we get underway, only to discover that they did not get the full fax and we are in fact about 10 meals short.
NOTE TO THE PA: Always check that they get both pages and all the names, cause weather or not it is obvious with it being labeled on the fax that there are 2 pages and 25 names or even by having a helpful paperclip graphic Windows style tell them, they may still be retarded enough to not figure it out on their own.
(Side Note: A large number of people in LA are aspiring actors, and such that are working in a restaurant to make their way. So keep in mind, they are not WAITERS, they are ACTORS. So they are often just good at acting like a waiter. So be prepared for a wait as they get their crap together.)
So where was I in my rant, oh yes. So she goes and puts in the rest of the orders and brings out the first few made. And they are not labeled. Granted in a perfect world I would have had a joyous stint as a waiter at cheesecake factory where I would have enjoyed an entertaining waiting life with free meals, midnight chases across rooftops and the occasional musical quartet where I played the trombone. This, however, is NOT a perfect world and I could not for the life of me figure out what the hell people ordered just by looking at it (as it was now up to me to label them) Can you tell me the different between Muso and Herb Crusted Salmon? I think not! And if you can then you lead a very delicious life.
So to continue, I label, and wait, and she brings out the other orders, minus a few cause she is an idiot and didn't put all of them in for whatever reason. So I wait for those and at the end of an all together long wait I end up with several extra meals I didn't order in addition to the ones I did which took awhile to get from her crazy ass.
Now for my favorite part of the evening. I pile up with not two, not four, but six big as shit bags of food. I am walking like a man trying to fly with my arms straight out to hold all this. Now I get to the front door of the place and a very helpful hostess looks at me, blinks a couple times and says "Oh my! Can I help you with that?" Now, this is how it goes. At a great restaurant someone will help you out by carrying your bags to the car with you. At an Okay restaurant they will call for one of the bus boys to help you out. This wonderful specimen of humanity came around the desk, flashed me a brilliant smile and said, "Let me get the door for you."
...
...
....
And I stabbed the bitch.
Not really, but it may have made me smile if I had.
Note when I came back for the second load she asked if she could hold the door again as though she was doing the world a favor. Apparently my mental stabbing did not keep her down.
So in conclusion, sweating, and tired from my many pound load and hike I made it back to the car and back to the office where I ate, blogged and was happy.
So today's lesson is this to the lowly PA.
If you are in charge of lunch make sure 1) They received the FULL order, 2) There is GOOD parking. 3) They LABEL the food. 4) They are not massively retarded.
Screw you Cheesecake Factory. I'm gettin my matches.
Fin.
But to the point of this blog, which is just to make me feel better and tell Cheesecake Factory how I had them like dog poo on the shoe, but more so cause I can't scrape Cheesecake Factory off on the curb.
Today, as I do many days, I had to go pick up lunch for a large group of people. I fax our order, call to confirm, then go pick it up. Some things that make this nice are the following, and note I am only including this list because you will see how important they are momentarily. 1) Getting the food right (kind of says itself). 2) Labeling people's food (cause I don't know what half the crap you make looks like) 3) Good and convenient parking 4) Helpful staff 5) Fast fast fast.
And now I shall detail why after work today I am going to a) go to target and buy a black stocking, and b) return to Cheesecake Factory to burn that bitch to the ground.
I arrive at "The Grove" which is basically one hella big outdoor mall as I would later determine, full of mental incompetence. And Cheesecake factory is somewhere in it. They tell me to park in the parking garage for convenient and ease as they validate up to two hours. They neglected to tell me the parking garage was a good quarter mile hike to their restaurant, and that it was uphill BOTH WAYS. That's right kids, your parents weren't lying about their daily trek to school through frostbitten weather on some mystical mountain that was somehow doubly uphill. It exists, and at the end right next to their school is apparently the forsaken cheesecake factory.
So after legging it there I go to stand next to the takeout counter and wait. And wait. And wait. and make a mental list of all the incompetent hostesses standing around chatting while I stand there looking like I need someone to help me out so that I can later extract burny downy vengeance, and I wait. Finally someone comes out from the back and we get underway, only to discover that they did not get the full fax and we are in fact about 10 meals short.
NOTE TO THE PA: Always check that they get both pages and all the names, cause weather or not it is obvious with it being labeled on the fax that there are 2 pages and 25 names or even by having a helpful paperclip graphic Windows style tell them, they may still be retarded enough to not figure it out on their own.
(Side Note: A large number of people in LA are aspiring actors, and such that are working in a restaurant to make their way. So keep in mind, they are not WAITERS, they are ACTORS. So they are often just good at acting like a waiter. So be prepared for a wait as they get their crap together.)
So where was I in my rant, oh yes. So she goes and puts in the rest of the orders and brings out the first few made. And they are not labeled. Granted in a perfect world I would have had a joyous stint as a waiter at cheesecake factory where I would have enjoyed an entertaining waiting life with free meals, midnight chases across rooftops and the occasional musical quartet where I played the trombone. This, however, is NOT a perfect world and I could not for the life of me figure out what the hell people ordered just by looking at it (as it was now up to me to label them) Can you tell me the different between Muso and Herb Crusted Salmon? I think not! And if you can then you lead a very delicious life.
So to continue, I label, and wait, and she brings out the other orders, minus a few cause she is an idiot and didn't put all of them in for whatever reason. So I wait for those and at the end of an all together long wait I end up with several extra meals I didn't order in addition to the ones I did which took awhile to get from her crazy ass.
Now for my favorite part of the evening. I pile up with not two, not four, but six big as shit bags of food. I am walking like a man trying to fly with my arms straight out to hold all this. Now I get to the front door of the place and a very helpful hostess looks at me, blinks a couple times and says "Oh my! Can I help you with that?" Now, this is how it goes. At a great restaurant someone will help you out by carrying your bags to the car with you. At an Okay restaurant they will call for one of the bus boys to help you out. This wonderful specimen of humanity came around the desk, flashed me a brilliant smile and said, "Let me get the door for you."
...
...
....
And I stabbed the bitch.
Not really, but it may have made me smile if I had.
Note when I came back for the second load she asked if she could hold the door again as though she was doing the world a favor. Apparently my mental stabbing did not keep her down.
So in conclusion, sweating, and tired from my many pound load and hike I made it back to the car and back to the office where I ate, blogged and was happy.
So today's lesson is this to the lowly PA.
If you are in charge of lunch make sure 1) They received the FULL order, 2) There is GOOD parking. 3) They LABEL the food. 4) They are not massively retarded.
Screw you Cheesecake Factory. I'm gettin my matches.
Fin.
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