Things to not know and confuse me be.

First I shall Start with a Rebuttal!

Markus D. Shark has accused my last blog of the following:

“What the heck? You didn't state your thesis in the first paragraph arguing a position on why cellphones should have lasers built in, nor did you even come close to mentioning the word "laser" for the entire entry! No matter the type of laser used (to harm, to techno dance to, to point [at bikini zones], to remove unwanted hair [in aforementioned bikini zones]) I just don't see why you would want it on a cellphone. To you, Sir, I must say this word, which just so happens to be underneath this comment box in wiggly form: BETHE! WHATEVER THAT MEANS! GOOD DAY!”

And so I shall respond! A laser on a cell phone shall have many uses. First off the laser should be positioned on the bottom of the phone, to avoid being shot in the eyes:
Second, the laser, will not be of high power nor caliber, or the following might occur.



Instead the laser shall be on the bottom of the phone, and of low caliber and be of uses as follows. Lazerpointer, and kitty laser. Kitty laser you say! Yes kitty laser. Few things in the world annoy me more than the cat going to town meowing his face off while I am on the phone. So now you can talk on the phone and the cat can be distracted! As so:



But remember to use a low power laser.



Now on to the blog!

You know it always intrigues me as to what people do and do not know. Cause sometimes stuff is just too obvious to even see, or people just screen it out, or in the most amusing case it just isn’t true but television has taught us that is how it is. How many people do you think have snorted pepper only to find that they not, as they had expected, sneezing, but are in fact, screaming in agony. Seriously?! You just snorted pepper, what the crap did you think was going to happen?? Also, mice DON’T eat cheese. How many places have mice infestations because they bait their traps with cheese circa Tom and Jerry Style? Mice can’t digest cheese, it kills them. Let’s see, what other interesting revelations do I know. I mean there are your stupid ones like you park on a driveway and drive in a parkway hur hur hur Stupid! But how about this, I may have mentioned it in an earlier blog but it deserves recounting. Our favorite show of all times, the one we all think about in our head non-stop: http://graphjam.com/2009/01/28/what-is-running-through-my-head-at-work/

Yes, the Gummy Bears. This lovable children’s cartoon is NOT in fact about a group of lovable bears who grow berries in the woods and combine the berries in a special way to make Gummy Berry Juice that allows them to “Bounce Here and There and Everywhere” and proverbially fight crime. NO! This is in fact a story about a bunch of bears who run a vineyard and get tanked 24/7 and fight crime WASTED. Think about it. It brought a tear to my eye when I realized one of my favorite shows had been decimated like that.

And it is ESPECIALLY prevalent in kids’ shows. Think about it, they write them with innuendoes and under the radar concepts that kids can’t hope to understand but parents will laugh and laugh and be amazed while they watch the shows with their kids. I recall having nothing better to do a couple years back and watched a show called “Read Between the Lions” great pun isn’t it? And that is how the show ran. It had little mini shows like “Wayne’s Word” does in a Wayne’s World style. But that isn’t the half of it. It had RIDICULOUS innuendoes. I can’t remember half of them, but one of the running sections through the episode was this librarian CHOKING A CHICKEN. Yes, she was ACTUALLY chocking a chicken. And they kept saying things like “Oh that crazy librarian, always going off somewhere and Choking Someone’s Chicken.” I sit there watching that and just think, “Did that just ACTUALLY HAPPPEN????”
Needless to say, wow.

But there are a lot of things people just don’t know, or screen out. Hell, one of the crazies I used to date…. Well, I have to start this story right. I was explaining how the Moon rotates around the earth at such a speed and with such a rotation that we only ever see one side of it, hence the concept of the man in the moon cause that is the face we see. And it was during this conversation that it was revealed to me and I figured out, that this girl believed, and not in any religious way, simply in an 'I never thought to ask' way, that the SUN rotated around the EARTH. And let me tell you when I figured this out I made fun of her, and she got PISSED. Oh memories of crazy people, how you make me check I haven’t peed myself in terror.

Anyway. Another one I personally LOVE. Dieting. Some of the BEST BEST BEST advertising had been done in sections like dieting that are re-stupid! How about this one. 99% fat Free. Sounds pretty good don’t it? I mean, hell, you can feel those pounds just slip away. But you wanna know what it really says? It SAYS, that 99% of the object as a whole isn’t FAT. That is basically, oh I don’t know, EVERYTHING. Minus butter. So, if you have been eating sticks of butter for snacks this is probably a good diet for you. But I mean, you take something, slap a retarded label on it that simply says something about how it already is, and people are like “hot damn! I gotta have that!” The show Mad Men did something similar, where a guy pitched selling cigarettes as being “tobacco that is slow roasted” or something, which was how everyone made it at the time, they just decided to tell people cause it made it sound like candy to their lungs.

Oh advertising, how you amuse me and utterly utterly enrage me. And I say so cause if you have ever had to pump gas where you put your card in, start to pump and then the pump itself starts to SCREAM at you, yes SCREAAAM using one of those damned television screens, then you want to just start spraying the pump with gasoline and light a match. I do NOT know why the first advert they will put on there is the loudest most annoying one and almost 99% of the time done by somone outrageously loud female. Baffled. And you CAN’T turn it off! That I hate. There was some talk awhile back about how the “genius of advertising” who came up with the gas pump idea had come up with another multi billion dollar idea for forcing advertising down peoples throats. Parking spots. More specifically those lines that separate them. The idea was to put advertisements ON THE PARKING LINES. I’m not going to lie, but I think a lot of people will start parking in such a way as to cover the lines if that happens. And also, re-stupid again.
I came up with an idea that I thought would be a great way to force advertising down peoples throats (And I’m copywriting it right here so it can’t be stolen!) But here is the principle. Have you ever driven on a road where the pavement has been stripped and is just a series of lines / ridges running in the direction you are driving? And it will create a humming in your car as you drive on it because it is using your car and the road like a record and a needle/diaphragm. I think you can see where this is going. An advertisement you CAN NOT turn off, and that plays while you drive. Yep. You got it. I am proposing to turn the ENTIRE ROAD INTO A RECORD. And while it may not play out as solid as we would like, i.e. A voice saying “buy lots of K-Y” it could most likely suffice to play a tune on a borderline subconscious level. Think about it, you are driving along and it just KEEPS PLAYING that jerk-off as crap song by Mc Donald’s (worst place on earth) with the “I’m lovin it” tune (I’m hating it like Herpes on my Cat) And all you can do, all you can THINK is “I gotta eat my some McDonalds” except for that one guy from Sweden for whom the tune is for a tampax commercial, and he is later hospitalized for…. Physical Trauma. But I mean, do that, and the WORLD will become fat, and only the people on public transportation will be spared.

What a world we live in. And Americans are FAT! I only say this because I am working up to it. I mean, in restaurants they try to sell you food because they want to make money. And this makes you fat. I mean it sounds obvious, but it is even more devious than that. Think about it.
You are at a restaurant. You sit down; waitress comes over and says hi. She says stuff you order an appetizer and sodas. She leaves. But let… me … slow… that… down for you and replay.
She probably said something like this: “How are you doing today, can I interest you in one of our DELICIOUS appetizers. We have a FABULOUS blah blah, and an AMAZING blah blah on SPECIAL today.” “What would you like to drink, we have Coke, Diet Coke, Iced Tea beer blah blah blah.”

She just hinted at and sold you more food to get more money and now you are FAT. I usually go with a water and suddenly I have an appetizer because it was DELICIOUS and on Special. Let us continue.

You are eating, and you order food she suggests, and the portions are huge cause the LAST thing they want is you going away un-stuffed as crap, because we have been taught that THAT is the trademark of a good restaurant. Only worth going back to if you are as stuffed as CRAP.
Then you finish and suddenly she is there again, and your plates are GONE! It is like f-ing magic!! And that is because they bus that stuff so you can’t TELL HOW MUCH YOU ATE. You are getting visibly tricked into thinking you have room you don’t have. Then you order desert so they can get more money, and you are now a big ol fatty. It’s a strategy to make you buy more to give a bigger tip.

This isn’t the case in other countries cause they actually get paid a real salary. Hence they don’t feel the need to push food on you for the eventual tip that will ensue. Craziness.
Man I’m picking up halfway through after getting off work and riding the train back home, and I’m feeling drastically unmotivated. If the train breaks down again though and then I would find myself quite motivated. (Yes it broke down and left me and many other commuters stranded for about an hour, and they were all very nice about it, I mean I could tell they were unhappy but it was a very waspy unhappy, hinting to the fact that they wouldn’t say a peep until they got home and told their wife with many a big frown about their day)

So maybe I shall sign off today with this short blog and if I think of something else I will add it. And if I get caught for having forgot to validate my ticket I will stab the world in the face as I am thrown from the train.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Phones, and Why They Should Have Lasers Built In

Well, the new job is shaping up to be fairly interesting. I find it amusing that I once mused about the fact that I would “never have to wear a suit ever again due to being involved with the film industry” Boy I should have seen THAT one coming. But I kind of like wearing a suit, makes me feel like I’m trying. I wore a suit to my interview out in LA and everyone laughed at me. Look who’s laughing now!! Actually I’m not sure anyone is laughing, would be kinda mean actually all laughing at each other. We’ll say people watching some really good cartoons are laughing, I think we can all agree on that. ANYWAY.

I find it amusing that I had to take work home for work at Mimi’s (The Restaurant Bar I work At) and I am legally forbidden BY LAW to do so while working for the Federal Government, and not because it is secure information or anything, they just consider homework=overtime and don’t want to pay me. Go figure. Additionally this is the only job I attained while interviewing in my UNDERWEAR. As much as I would have liked I don’t think I could have pulled THAT one off in LA. Pulled off, bud-dum-ching! But really it was a phone interview, I’m not just that good no matter how much I’d want to be.

But let us see what our topic of today’s blog shall be. Hmm, something I found interesting the other day was the use of cell phones. I mean, I just bought a new one and it broke and the b-stards over at the Verizon store said I broke it. This is to my mind a load of tosh because until I get the supernatural ability to break a touch screen through the back of the phone then, well, they are still retarded. I wasn’t sure how to end that sentence and I figured calling Verizon retarded was as good a way as any. So needless to say they made me use my rebate from when I first bought the phone, to, yes, buy another phone. And not a new phone, oh no, they wouldn’t let me do that cause I’m now under some sort of dumb contract from buying the first phone, I had to buy the SAME phone, and a REFURBISHED one at that. And I don’t really trust their idea of refurbished; I feel like the Mac store does a good refurbished product, hell this computer is one. They basically make it like new, and give you a new warranty for a lower price overall. The Verizon phone is “refurbished” and by “refurbished” I believe they mean they did the minimum to get it to turn on. And I’m not sure if it even has the original warranty now. So displeased. So I now use my phone with the insane speakerphone as though it were made of glass because apparently my big man hands break phones like paper drinking cups.

Side note: Paper Drinking Cups are AWESOME. And yes, I use that in the right terminology. They inspire Awe. Whose awe? Mine! It’s a cup, made of PAPER and you drink liquid FROM THE CUP. And it doesn’t turn into paper-mache for your hand! How cool is that! I find it amazing someone sat down on day reading the newspaper say, and thought “my my I sure am thirsty I dare say, jolly whatnot” because he was obviously British and from about 1920. “I do wonder if I could make a cup out of something in this house whatnot, seeing as I am not having any jolly good drinking mugs or tea cups having suffered some thievery by a tea drinking mug stealing hooligan” (Side Side Note: Yes, these were quite prevalent in London 1920 something to do with a Tea party in Boston but everyone getting the memo late) “I dare say, I could use this newspaper to make a cup!”

And while THAT particular attempt ended in the invention of paper-mache, later ones yielded the ever AWESOME paper cup. Right up there with Cement Canoes, and those crazy ankle socks from the 80’s (I think they are swanky, and Toes Socks are just cheating so they are not mentioned in this blog, other than now.) I was actually talking to some Engineers at work who had a sort of class project/competition where they had to make a boat out of cardboard and duct tape and make it across a lake. Now I have to wonder about this. Why? Cause it is CARDBOARD. Nature’s sponge. I can’t imagine that working. I can imagine a canoe out of cement, cause, well, cement is kinda kick ass. And if I stretch my mind a bit, I can even imagine a canoe out of duck tape ONLY, but out of cardboard and duck tape? Not so much. Hell if you had a cardboard box on the deck of a cruise ship or battle liner I would depart, cause cardboard near water is worse than a black cat crossing your path. (Incidentally, what happens if you cross a black cat’s path? Do you get good luck? Does nothing happen? Or do the sheer laws of luck-osity reverse completely and the bad luck potential is thrust back the other way along whatever luck particle space-time string connects you and the cat, and due to the difference in potentials “IE. I think a person can get up to a lot worse luck than a cat, and besides that, we’re bigger” does the massive back throw of anti-luck cause the cat to A) Explode or B) Win the Lottery or nay even C) Turn into a Duck spontaneously (cause by Jove it had to happen somewhere) As in the immortal words of that guy who narrated Mr. Owl “The world may never know”

MAN I got off topic. Where was I (cats – Paper Canoes – some British guy – cups – cell phones) Ah yes cell phones! I do not like them. I remember when good ol mummy and daddy invested in cell phones for my brother and I, but my parents have always been a little on the thrifty side, so needless to say circa 1991 we had some of the first cell phones, the big clunking beasts that if you crossed a radio tower zone screeched at you before re-initializing (hence my bad hearing out of one ear and many a brash attempt to hurtle the phone out of the car window) and we proceeded to use these phones for almost a DECADE. You got it, people rocking out on their razors and nearly their I-Phones and I’m beating muggers to death with the Zack Morris cell phone. So hence, my hatred of cell phones started early. It grew when we “upgraded” and yes this requires “quotes” but I’m not “quoting” “quotes” those are just “example” “quotes” except for when I just “quoted” “example”, that was just a “mistake”….. and so what “that”….and that. There we go.

Anyway, me no likey cell phones. When we “upgraded” we did so to that really piss ass cheap free phone that comes with a new plan, the one they give away free cause it is cheaper than finding some other way of disposing of them. Yea. I had a brief stint owning a cell phone by Suncom I think it was. I actually liked it, had my own plan and everything. Then they went out of business. I’d say the way of the Dinosaur, but I do not think that when a meteor crushed THEM to death that they were really mulling over the state of their finances.

Onward! Little “get back on track motivational” for myself there. But yes, I do not like cell phones. Until now I have never had one that I could ever successfully charge. Charging a cell phone puts me in mind of using the old school Nintendo where you blow in the cartridge, insert it three times turn the system upside down and then turn in a circle on one foot. (Hey, we all had out little ceremonies, but ask any guy most of that is spot on. Especially if you had the Game Genie, aka the Nintendo slayer). But yes, while owing one of my cell phones I would actually blow into the charge slot, suck on the electrical plug, insert the plug THEN plug it into the wall, then turn the whole thing on it’s face very slowly so I could make sure the charge took, and I would do this about 5 times a night. THAT phone got broken in half once I secured my new phone at the time. However my new phone was a razor and I kind of whish I had kept the Nintendo style one.

I also like hacking my phones cause I like putting my own ringtones on them. I found this website: http://www.zedge.net/download/

It is the BOMB for downloading ringtones. I got Protoman from Megaman videogame (nerd reference, if you don’t get it feel proud) and the Willy Wonka Whistle for Summoning Oompa Loompas sound, and the Stewie from Family guy “Mom mom mom mummy mummy mummy etc” long as hell quote now gone ringtone. It is a good site. But I like putting my own ringtones on my phone for the three or four people who call me, cause the ones that come on the phone make me A) Hate Everything or B) Make me wish I was deaf, and also hate everything. But is irks me to no end that the cell phone companies try to corner the market and make you buy ringtones. This is re-stupid. (My new favorite not-word, retarded and stupid put together, I feel it to be a much more fulfilling insult) But yes, cause they don’t make ringtones I like, all tinny and kind of make you want to dance though you don’t know why, but they are terrible and I can’t get personal ones without paying bank and on top of that the ones I like are oblique and they don’t have them either. I mean, I LIKE having the Legend of Zelda “you just found a secret” or “you just bought something neat and you can’t wait to try it out” noises for my text messages. It makes me feel like I just “bought something neat and you can’t wait to try it out” or “found a secret passage using a bomb, but why you have a bomb I have no idea” about three to four times a day. It is a warm… fuzzy feeling.

So I hack my phones. Oh, word of advice I would mention to people. If you break your phone, but in a non-obvious way, i.e. a Touch Screen like “I did” (which I didn’t, F-U Verizon) then do the following. It’s Simple. Ready?
Break it so much it doesn’t turn on.
TA DA! If it doesn’t turn on then it falls under the warranty of something internal or softwareish preventing it from working, and you get a new one under your warranty. Just back up your numbers first.

But that last thing, or the first thing I suppose, that I had INTENDED to talk about, is who answers their cell phone. I mean, I like to think I always answer my phone as long as I hear it, which is basically all the time except if I am rocking out to some turns while driving and just don’t. But I have to say, I have the utmost respect for people who answer their phones all the time, but no one does! My wife doesn’t EVER answer her phone. I would say…. 25% of the time. And I mean it’s okay, I know she works, but she usually just leaves it somewhere, like in her car or tied to a balloon or something. Mine is always in my pocket. That is what a cell phone is FOR! You should always be ready to answer I think. But no one is. I mean my dad doesn’t but he’s at work, so that is okay. That and he is a little deaf so I give him a break on that account too. He actually has the alarm set on his watch for whatever reason back in the day, but doesn’t know how to turn it off, but on top of that, can’t hear it when it goes off. It drives my mom up the wall when he is just walking around as happy as can be completely oblivious to the fact that his watch has been going off for about the last 20 minutes. I think it just makes him easy to find when he’s wandering around the house. But like I said, excused for not answering. My brother is notorious for not answering. Except when he is at work, where, frankly I feel anything is more entertaining than work, so he picks up. But needless to say, everyone has their niche where you can catch them, and everyone is by and large bad about picking up their phone. Except one person.

Mom. She will ALWAYSE answer her phone. I will call, and she will answer, and start chatting, and I’ll ask where she is. I have gotten some of the following great answers:
-I’m at a restaurant ordering (glad to know I come before the waiter)
-I jumped out of the shower (You’re a trooper!)
-I’m at the Gym (Ha!)
-I’m in a Class at the Gym (Ha Ha!)
-I’m in Class at school (Stick it to the Man!)
-I’m on a boat fishing (No holds Barred!)
-I’m just driving (She is Female)
-I’m in the garden gardening (makes me feel like I’m helping)
and my all time favorite
-I’m in Puerto Rico. (Oh Mom, you crazy Gel.)

Now if I can only get her to stop sending me Spam Emails.

CONCLUDED!

New Jobs, New Commute

Well I guess you can assume from the title what this blog is about. That’s right. Porn. Well, jobs and porn, but I will start with porn, because, well, why the hell not. I find porn to be one of the most amusing concepts in the world. I mean thing about it. There are people out there who own planes. That’s right PLANES! Vehicles for traveling in the AIR! And they bought them with the money they earned having sex for money! Bravo. I feel that THAT is probably the modern American Dream. Sex for money, and not just some money, A LOT of money. Granted the majority of them don’t have planes because they are having sex on webcams or they spend all of their earnings on illicit substances and “doctor” visits, but I do not have the numbers on this so I will not assume more.
But oh, porn, how you lead the majority of Americans lives. And I was letting my mind wander the other day and I started to do some calculations. Lets see how they play out shall we? Your average male probably looks at porn on average 3 times a week *Snigger * and you figure they will probably view on average 10 separate and unique acts of sexual conduct during that time. This takes into account an estimated average of times a week and acts in a viewing. These numbers are probably different *A LOT Higher * but we cannot say. But the math continues. 52 weeks a year, 10 x 3 = 30, 30 x 52 = 1560, and most males watch from the age of oh lets just say 16, and most of the people I know are about 26, so lets just say 10 years on average. 1560 x 10 = 15,620 and round down for holidays or being sick to 15,500 (only a little rounding, its hard to be THAT sick).
So there you have it ladies and gentlemen, but mostly just the men. You average manly male walking the street has most likely in his life watched about 15 THOUSAND separate sexual acts by different sets of people. HOLY CRAP. That just makes the world seem like a sad sad place, and not at all hard to obtain an airplane in HA! But speaking of the perfect job…..
I finally have one. Well, not perfect, but it pays well so that is something. I have many thoughts on the whole new job thing so I shall try to go through it as succinctly as possible. Additionally I hate writing in Microsoft word. I’m on the train now and can only write in word and hence my massive spelling errors are more difficult to complete because I am adjusting my spelling as I go. I know. I feel like you all are jumping for joy already. But anyway. After an official count of 132 jobs applied and an unofficial count of about 150 (unofficial because I want no written record of applying to be a sales clerk at bed bath an beyond, but by GOD I’m going to frame my rejection letter from the Wegmans Grocery Store for being unqualified. I now have a job! And it was a weird road too. It is a job with the Patent and trademark office, hooray, and I got it OVER THE PHONE. For a government job with security clearance and everything, I never saw anybody. I was almost worried I was part of an elaborate scam to get all of my information. But it all worked out and unless the government is part of an identity theft scam on the very retarded scale, I think I’m in the clear. So I am working, hooray and stuff. And so I set out to start working. And it was WEIRD. First day in was nice, little ol orientation style, and we finished up early too, around 3. Very pleasant. But uh oh. You work for the Government now and they are paying you for a full 8 hours. So we sat there till 5. And when I say sat, we SAT. Our comps are not hooked up and there really wasn’t anything to do. I sharpened pencils. Yes, I SHARPENED PENCILS FOR 2 HOURS. Which was hard cause there were only 3 pencils. I feel I may have blown my load early on the first one, but I managed to make the final 2 last for the rest of the day.
And then the second day (mind you I’m writing this blog on the train now on the way to day 3, so the adventure is continuing) we went in and we had group art time. Yes, group art time. We drew personal crest shields to represent ourselves for a few hours. This was fun, as I like to draw and all, but let me tell you, there is almost no middle ground for people who can’t draw. There were good fairly reasonable drawings, then there were pictures of people choking each other, one looked like a guy had a baby popping out of his chest, and there was a penguin fighting a crab over the state of Nevada. (As I later found out this was actually a crab and an Oriel hanging out in Baltimore County) But who knew? I thought the really sciencey (yes I made up a word, suck it!) smart people were supposed to be unconsciously good at art, and maybe they can play musical instruments I haven’t seen them all bring in their bits and sport a ho-down, but man, these people can’t draw for crap. But neither can I so I feel at home. But I do feel intimidated something fierce. I mean I got this job on a degree I haven’t looked at in 4 years (Mechanical Engineering) and there are people here who sport PhDs and multiple degrees from MIT and Harvard. For crying out loud! So I have started telling people I’m a retired Astronaught (I know this is spelled wrong but I have apparently baffled the spellchecker) with a PhD in awesome to get some classroom clout. But all in all they are nice and it has been… educational, and a heck of a lot less running around than at my other gig at the restaurant. I don’t know if I mentioned that previously, but I work at a restaurant part time to pay the bills till I got this job. And let me tell you, though most probably already know, people who work at restaurants are more than a little slice of crazy. I actually had to crate a new term for them by combining a couple of my other favorite terms. I would say a good slice of the people working in the restaurant business are a "Big Hot Train Wreck". Yes, that good. I was told that my place of work did not do drug tests cause they didn’t want to lost half their staff. Bravo. Bravo. But it is fun there too and the people are mucho friendly, in that touch everything because the colors tell them too sort of way, hint hint. HA!
But since my new job is in DC I have had to find new ways to get there. Tried driving, it took FORVER, like Sandlot style FOR-EV-ER (if you get this reference you get a ham sandwich made of gold, if not, watch the movie Sandlot). So driving while feasible, sucks. But then a friend told me about the VRE. Now the VRE is a train running from waaaay out down 66 near Broad run into DC, and also waaaay out in Fredericksburg Va into DC. So I rode this badboy in, and while the commute was long, I was able to dick around on my computer the whole time so it wasn’t bad. But the commute back…. Well, my friend forgot to mention one crucial piece of information. Make sure you take the right train.
That’s right. I realized where I was about the time I passed Quantico VA which, for those who need a picture, is way the hell down route 95 from DC and about an hour and a half BY CAR from where I needed to be. And then once I realized where I was I made a few phone calls then enjoyed a pleasant hour and a half standing on a train platform in the dark in about 25 degree weather. Not one of my better moments let me tell you.
But the new job is shaping up all right, though a bit odd in the actual work department as in we put together a skit for a presentation instead of a slideshow. Bravo team, bravo. Its summer camp all over. But I am glad to be gainfully employed once more.
Take that 132 job applications. The best part about it, is that I am still getting letters about jobs I applied to waaay back telling me I’m unqualified to do whatever it was I applied to. I think my favorite jobs applied to and saw were probably the following:
Emu Wrangler: You got it, EMU wrangler. And an Emu for those who don’t know is basically an uglier Ostrich, if such a thing were possible. How one wrangles emus I have no idea. Perhaps someone was asking to strangle emus but had a problem with spelling, as I often do. But why would someone want emus strangled you asked? Well isn’t it obvious? I don’t know, is it? I have no idea; maybe they had a strange run in with a chicken when they were young.
Voice Over Guy: This isn’t as glorious as it sounds. This job, you would be hired to read ass long scripts to a computer to teach it video recognition software, much like talking to a small child for hours on end. How fun this would have been, the world may never know….
Display Technology Engineer: Fancy? I thought so too, until they called for an interview. Yep, these bad boys would have me setting up projectors, not full on entertainment systems, not multimedia presentations, just slide projectors. Hooray, huzza, and FU. And the best part was is they shot me down. So sad.
On with the highlights!
Production Assistant: This bad boy was actually part time, and I got a reference from someone I knew who spoke to the hiring guy. So I have an inside lead, and it is a base production assistant job, something a monkey could do. I do not understand why they always say you need more experience to be a production assistant. I can only guess they mean you don’t have enough experience taking other peoples crap for a living. Yea, they didn’t call me back after the interview.
Side note: People who don’t call me back after an interview, I want to shank with my shiv. I want to advertise for a job (imaginary) that would be their ideal job, get them in for an interview, video tape it, send the tape to their current employer, get them fired, then call them back to tell them to start, and give them an address in the middle of a field to report to. Call me back you F-ers, or I will hate you with the might of a thousand tiny white mice! And I sent a thank you letter and everything. I wonder if I can send hate mail at a later date without negative repercussion. Hmm.
Bonefish Grill: Yep a waiting job. Weird application procedure as I had to fill out the application in the restaurant, as though they believed if I left I would run to the library to look up the perfect serving resume. They even had me in for a second piece where you fill out one of those “I will not stab my employer” questionnaires. I LOVE those things. It is like they are trying to trick a six year old!
Question: It is good to come in early to work.
A: Strongly Agree
Q: All work should be finished in a timely manner.
A: Strongly Agree
Q: Killing a coworker is okay if you don’t get caught.
A: Strongly Agr…. Waaaait a minute.
So dumb. And the thing is that is almost verbatim from the test. Oh restaurant business how you amuse me. Yea they didn’t call me back either. I think I will go steal the dumpster from their building. The ramifications of that should be glooorious.
Lets see, and the last one would have to be dog walker. I do love dogs, but VA is F-in cold! Various family pressed me to apply to a barrage of jobs I would have never considered because with three degrees and years of work experience I felt that it would not be possible to fall further. I have to say, I felt like the most highly qualified unqualified person out there. Couldn’t even get a job fetching coffee part time as a Production Assistant.
But I feel humbled now, and my brother gave me good advice. Money’s money, and working for it if that is all there is is fine. And it is true, though I feel as though this experience has pushed me towards the mentality that money is the most important thing. Cause now I do kind of believe it. Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy something very much like it is what I’ve heard. I actually think it can buy happiness especially if you change it into quarters and swim in it Scrooge McDuck style. But I keep my hand in elsewhere, writing and blogging. I am trying to build up my website www.jesseboguefilms.com and keep making videos and scripts. My movie Cockblocker is on its 4th edit iteration and has some clips on my site. (For those who don’t know, Cockblocker the Movie was my graduate thesis film and is currently being edited. Its tagline was: “A man, feeling that his life has not gone where he wanted, decides to go back in time. And prevent his own conception.” It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Big Finish! Tada!