Oh where to start where to start. How about here. I have a small list of movie that I want to see, and have wanted to see for awhile. They might even be considered my boredom backup list, and top of this list was the movie blockbuster "Tropic Thunder". Now I have a lot of friends, many of which are in the Film Industry and the rest who are simply discerning. This movie had gotten rave reviews by all of them. This movie had Robert Downy Jr. and Ben Stiller, two actors whom I have thoroughly enjoyed in previous movies. And so as I sit myself down for an evening of fantastic movie watching with what I consider to be a sure fire pick.
This movie sucked. No, correction. This movie was an abomination. If this movie were a person it would be the Hunchback of Notre Dame without the Disney Lyrics. If it was a baby it would be Rosemary's baby with the crazy projectile vomiting. This movie wasn't just borderline retarded, it was hooked up to the machines in a straight up vegetative state. This Movie blew like an expensive hooker (I say expensive because one would logically assume the whore money to blow ratio was a relative ratio and not an inverse one, hence more money, more blow.)
Now my problems with this movie:
1)Lack of consistent plot.
Now I thought that this movie was about some actors taken into the wilderness to do some real action acting, but not knowing they had stumbled into a real war zone. This, however, did not seem to be the case. In all honesty I'm not sure what the case was. It seemed like half of the characters knew they were in trouble and the other half didn't and then they would randomly change their minds throughout the movie. BAFFLED!
2)Lack of rational thought on part of ANYBODY.
Now I like a little crazy just like anybody, hell I've dated a fair bit of crazy, but I like my movies to make SENSE. I mean, A equals B therefore C. This movie was like A equals L therefore GIRAFFE. It made no sense. I completely lost what the hell was going on when the leader of the Heroine drug cartel turned out to be a 10 year old. Yes a 10 year old. I can only assume they needed someone outside the acting guild and for some reason he fit the bill. BAFFLED AGAIN!
3) It had Tom Cruise in yet another ridiculous and stupidly done role.
Anyone seen the new War of the Worlds? I did. I think I saw it anyway, that or someone snuck me in for a lobotomy. And his astounding acting worked magic yet again in this movie. That was sarcasm for NO acting, and LAME-ITY. I think his only good role was in Legend, and that was only because he was opposite Tim Curry, WOO Tim Curry, only as long as you keep your clothes on. (Footnote, See Rockie Horror) But good ol Tom thought he could pull an Eddie Murphy and dress up like some overweight summoner of cinematic evil. And all we got was Tom looking like a dork and yelling the F-word a lot. Bravo, what acting I have not seen since Aliens 3, hitherto the greatest amount of F-word uttered in one cinematic spectacle. Bravo you have successfully competed with evil acid spitting aliens and rightly so, now go home and learn to act like someone other than Tom Cruise. ONWARD!
4)Poor Writing
Now it is not that the writing was poor. It was just that it was utterly F-ing Horrible, the likes of which my penis could produce should it decide to grow a thumb and hold a pen, and in all honesty, it could probably pull it off without the thumb. This script looped around so much, and had so many flailing loose threads and ideas that it made no sense. It just, well, sort of rambled. Alot. How this got chosen without a LARGE re-write, I'll never know. FAVOR!
So high points of the movie, Good ol' Robert Downy Jr. playing the dude dressed like a dude playing another dude. Funny character, but if I dropped Charlie Chaplin in the middle of the Bronx I feel that it would stop being funny very quickly. As was the case with this movie. So bravo Robert, and to death and beyond for the person who cast the 10 year old as the villain.
I think they blew all their movie on this movie hiring Tom Cruise. And well frankly if you blow, you get blow.
And so I went to bed after the movie like a hungry orphan who just ate a dead rat. And the next day I watched "In the Name of the King". Starring such notables as Jason Statham from "The Transporter" and Leelee Sobieski (HAHA, who names their kid that??? You sound like a panda), Ray Liotta (Last seen in Muppets from Space. Where have you BEEN for the last 10 years??), and good old John Rhys-Davies (the only good thing about the TV show sliders, until he died for some reason.) And let me tell you, I didn't know that this movie had made it onto the TOP TEN worst movies EVER! And for some reason HBO is still advertising it like their golden child. Confused much. And so I rocked it out. And fell asleep. Woke up for awhile dazed and confused. Fell asleep. Woke up screaming, realized it was still on. Continued to scream.
This movie wasn't just bad. This movie didn't just have plot holes the size of a small moon. This movie didn't just REEK of bad acting, poor poor POOR directing, and a script that, frankly, should have been donated to the poor orphans home for gifted paper plane makers.
This movie, had Matthew Lillard as the lovable backstabbing, and for some reason incredibly Gay, nephew of the King. And Wow. I recommend this movie to any would be actor just so you can fix this portrayal in your mind as how not to act when being a Lord. Hell, how not to act EVER. It just didn't make sense, and on top of that, I don't even know if he died by the end. I think they might have just alluded to it, or perhaps covered it up with a pointless sex scene (don't get your hopes up, there was only one), or maybe even masked it with the pointless death of a child (also only one, sadly.)
I think my favorite conundrum of the movie was when the bad guy claimed to be neither good nor evil, but beyond such worldly realms. He slow ran down a little kid on foot to stab him with a sword! Really? REALLY? Did you even go back and Spellcheck your script?
I am making up a new word for people that write crap like this. It is TaintAss. Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but by GOD it makes me feel better. All you crappy script writers out there who happen to be Friends with whoever to get your scripts made, and all you actors out there who do goodness knows what to get parts that you Botch! I say TaintAss. Good day to you sirs!
BAFFLED!
Quote of the day:
Me: "Mom, I can't stand how the movie industry sucks so much. Why is it like that?"
Mom: (Yes my mom): "It's because of all the incest!"
(Bravo mom, bravo. I don't understand your logic, but it just sounds so right.)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
Oh you Crazy Pets
Oh, what to blog about what to blog about. You'd think they would have come up with a better word than Blog for an online journal or posting. Blog. Sounds like a noise. But what kind of noise. Makes me think of a snail right off the bat. But what noise what a snail make other than a slurping kind. I think Blog is the noise a snail makes when it climbs upside down and falls off. Yes, I find that to be about right.
WELL, that's enough of the nonsense. Lets see what there is to talk about today shall we? Something interesting I heard today was that my brother, the big shot he is, is being forced, yes, FORCED, to take vacation. 2 weeks unpaid because of the economy. How much does THAT suck. But in all honesty he can complain all he wants cause he is still earning real money, unlike the monopoly money I earn. Hmm, I wish I earned monopoly money, at least for a little while so I could restock my board game.
Well today I had an interesting job interview with a Production Company. Went well, though I felt like the interviewer had interviewed far to many people already and was burned out poor fellow. But the amusing part about this story is a little round about. I actually asked one of my peers from back in LA for a reference and got the most joyful news. I feel okay posting it cause I do not believe that they still read this blog. But apparently one of the actors dogs made a doodie in the valet parking lot, and the valet people refused to clean it up. Well I think we can all guess where this story is going. Well, I guess my replacement really did have a ..... shitty day today? Perhaps being a PA has its .... Crappy Moments? Starting on the bottom can really make you feel like.... poo? Hmm... I'm trying to think of a whitty way to say Feces. Heh, not often I get to say that day to day, but now that I think about it, I shall. "Excuse me my good sir, but do you have any Grey Poupon?.... feces" "Why yes I do... wait, what did you just say?" "What?" "There, at the end, you just said something." "No I did not....feces" "There! You just did it again!" "Did what my good sir? I dare say you must be hearing things. Now pass the mustard .... feces"
Oh 80's commercials how you amuse me. Where did all the Mentos go?
But as far as the interview it went alright, though since the interviewer was not on his game it made me feel as though the interview did not go as well as I would have liked, that and I felt he hadn't actually read my resume so acted as though I had never worked a day in my life before. So sad. So I did the only thing a self respecting 80's child did afterword. I rolled down the windows of my Mazda 3, turned up the stereo and rocked out the cult classic of one (me) CD, Transformers the Movie. Highly regarded to be one of the unsung greats of the 80's. I have to say, you all may have liked the new "hip" transformers movie with its wacky jibe talking Optimus Prime and lewd sex scene on the hood of Bumblebees hood (who I have to add was supposed to be a Volkswagen Beetle. Way to go GM) But I shall always hold a special place in my heart that dares to go the extra mile and place a Weird Al Yankovitch song as one of its leading heartfelt tunes. "Dare to be Stupid" has never found a better home.
But such is life, and I entertained myself the remainder of the day cleaning house. Yes, it is true, I now exist somewhere between Housewife and debt payer by being a maid to the in laws. Oh life, what a curve ball you have thrown me. I was looking up how to donate blood for money the other day like some sort of junkie. I would donate sperm but in all honesty I feel like I would either mix up the two and someone would end up VERY unhappy, or I would get a phone call down the road from someone "unexpected". Man, I wish I could sell eggs like a girl. Granted a guy can sell sperm and, well, it probably goes without saying that the experience is a LOT better than giving eggs for a girl, but I can't believe it pays well. I wonder if I could sell something else. Man, if I could regrow a kidney I would ROCK that. I could sell one, be healthy still, wait for mine to regrow, then rock out another paycheck. I think you can do it with a Liver, but I like my Happy Hour.
Speaking of sexual inhibition, the dog got neutered. And in classic dog style the other one would not leave the neutered one alone. I swear if I'm ever neutered, or tubes tied, which I always thought was a cornily kosher way of saying you got a rubber band slapped on your sack, and someone tried to harass me I would probably, remaining testosterone permitting, hit them with a Pinata stick.
Poor pup, few things in the world must suck like hitting puberty and then getting your junk tweaked. Oh such a nice way to say it, good job Jesse, why thank you Jesse.
But oh pets how you amuse me. Captain eats-hit-own-hair the cat decided he had had enough the other night and blew chunks all over the bathroom. I proceeded to taunt him from the neighboring room while being the wonderful husband I am, not help to clean it up. I figure the guy who warns of the impending bomb is not responsible for the radioactive cleanup if no one listens to him. Oh silly cat and eating your fur. Why is it animals eat themselves? I'm not talking about the jolly licking which just seems to be too much high spirits in any case, I mean cats eat their hair. If a person did that they would have some sort of mental disease. Dogs eat their poop. Again if people did that they would simply have no friends, where with dogs it seems to merely enhance their popularity. I don't think Horses eat anything but they ARE horses and are kind of left with limited options. What else are pets. Fish, which often eat each other. Like the Betta fish. How in the crap can anything evolve if it attacks another of its species? I think it might just be males to males, but I mean seriously, you are a fish, you are small and highly editable, you shouldn't lower your chances of survival farther. Monkeys while not eating poo on a regular basis, sling it. Oh animal kingdom, how you baffle me. My turtle is pretty solid, though if you put anything in his tank it immediately become his obligation to move it around then knock it over. I want to get a large number of pets and have them run on treadmills for "fun" which will coincidentally power my house. Yes... yes, it is all coming together now. Just no poo slinging.
What a terrible note to end on. Fin!
Quote of the day: "Knowing her she could have fallen on fifteen dicks on the way." Courtesy of the other Bogue.
WELL, that's enough of the nonsense. Lets see what there is to talk about today shall we? Something interesting I heard today was that my brother, the big shot he is, is being forced, yes, FORCED, to take vacation. 2 weeks unpaid because of the economy. How much does THAT suck. But in all honesty he can complain all he wants cause he is still earning real money, unlike the monopoly money I earn. Hmm, I wish I earned monopoly money, at least for a little while so I could restock my board game.
Well today I had an interesting job interview with a Production Company. Went well, though I felt like the interviewer had interviewed far to many people already and was burned out poor fellow. But the amusing part about this story is a little round about. I actually asked one of my peers from back in LA for a reference and got the most joyful news. I feel okay posting it cause I do not believe that they still read this blog. But apparently one of the actors dogs made a doodie in the valet parking lot, and the valet people refused to clean it up. Well I think we can all guess where this story is going. Well, I guess my replacement really did have a ..... shitty day today? Perhaps being a PA has its .... Crappy Moments? Starting on the bottom can really make you feel like.... poo? Hmm... I'm trying to think of a whitty way to say Feces. Heh, not often I get to say that day to day, but now that I think about it, I shall. "Excuse me my good sir, but do you have any Grey Poupon?.... feces" "Why yes I do... wait, what did you just say?" "What?" "There, at the end, you just said something." "No I did not....feces" "There! You just did it again!" "Did what my good sir? I dare say you must be hearing things. Now pass the mustard .... feces"
Oh 80's commercials how you amuse me. Where did all the Mentos go?
But as far as the interview it went alright, though since the interviewer was not on his game it made me feel as though the interview did not go as well as I would have liked, that and I felt he hadn't actually read my resume so acted as though I had never worked a day in my life before. So sad. So I did the only thing a self respecting 80's child did afterword. I rolled down the windows of my Mazda 3, turned up the stereo and rocked out the cult classic of one (me) CD, Transformers the Movie. Highly regarded to be one of the unsung greats of the 80's. I have to say, you all may have liked the new "hip" transformers movie with its wacky jibe talking Optimus Prime and lewd sex scene on the hood of Bumblebees hood (who I have to add was supposed to be a Volkswagen Beetle. Way to go GM) But I shall always hold a special place in my heart that dares to go the extra mile and place a Weird Al Yankovitch song as one of its leading heartfelt tunes. "Dare to be Stupid" has never found a better home.
But such is life, and I entertained myself the remainder of the day cleaning house. Yes, it is true, I now exist somewhere between Housewife and debt payer by being a maid to the in laws. Oh life, what a curve ball you have thrown me. I was looking up how to donate blood for money the other day like some sort of junkie. I would donate sperm but in all honesty I feel like I would either mix up the two and someone would end up VERY unhappy, or I would get a phone call down the road from someone "unexpected". Man, I wish I could sell eggs like a girl. Granted a guy can sell sperm and, well, it probably goes without saying that the experience is a LOT better than giving eggs for a girl, but I can't believe it pays well. I wonder if I could sell something else. Man, if I could regrow a kidney I would ROCK that. I could sell one, be healthy still, wait for mine to regrow, then rock out another paycheck. I think you can do it with a Liver, but I like my Happy Hour.
Speaking of sexual inhibition, the dog got neutered. And in classic dog style the other one would not leave the neutered one alone. I swear if I'm ever neutered, or tubes tied, which I always thought was a cornily kosher way of saying you got a rubber band slapped on your sack, and someone tried to harass me I would probably, remaining testosterone permitting, hit them with a Pinata stick.
Poor pup, few things in the world must suck like hitting puberty and then getting your junk tweaked. Oh such a nice way to say it, good job Jesse, why thank you Jesse.
But oh pets how you amuse me. Captain eats-hit-own-hair the cat decided he had had enough the other night and blew chunks all over the bathroom. I proceeded to taunt him from the neighboring room while being the wonderful husband I am, not help to clean it up. I figure the guy who warns of the impending bomb is not responsible for the radioactive cleanup if no one listens to him. Oh silly cat and eating your fur. Why is it animals eat themselves? I'm not talking about the jolly licking which just seems to be too much high spirits in any case, I mean cats eat their hair. If a person did that they would have some sort of mental disease. Dogs eat their poop. Again if people did that they would simply have no friends, where with dogs it seems to merely enhance their popularity. I don't think Horses eat anything but they ARE horses and are kind of left with limited options. What else are pets. Fish, which often eat each other. Like the Betta fish. How in the crap can anything evolve if it attacks another of its species? I think it might just be males to males, but I mean seriously, you are a fish, you are small and highly editable, you shouldn't lower your chances of survival farther. Monkeys while not eating poo on a regular basis, sling it. Oh animal kingdom, how you baffle me. My turtle is pretty solid, though if you put anything in his tank it immediately become his obligation to move it around then knock it over. I want to get a large number of pets and have them run on treadmills for "fun" which will coincidentally power my house. Yes... yes, it is all coming together now. Just no poo slinging.
What a terrible note to end on. Fin!
Quote of the day: "Knowing her she could have fallen on fifteen dicks on the way." Courtesy of the other Bogue.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Holidays
Well well well. Haven't we been away for awhile. But there is good news and bad for any time spent away from the keys, but I shall get to all of that in time.
WELL, where to start. Seeing as I can't recall what I wrote last time and I'm too lazy to go back and check I'll do a quick synopsis. I finally landed a job as a bartender/server at a local restaurant, huzza employment, but am still applying like crazy to jobs. After a small application hiatus I started applying in the new year *fingers crossed* and have passed the 120 jobs applied mark. It just amuses me to think that there are now 119 (not 120 cause I got ONE of them) that are employed before I was. As the French do not say, Le Sigh.
But onward and upward. Still applying to jobs, and let me tell you, while people are usually out at work during the day weird shit happens at home. Such as I sit here typing and at the same time I watch the cat, lovable spunk that he is, clean himself. What I did not know about cats however, or at least this one, is that he likes to tear chunks, yes CHUNKS of fur out and then EAT them. Yes eat them. This little guy I thought was getting fat cause we fed him too much, but no, it is a straight process of recycling. And that is why this cat has very definitively been placed under the "Gross" and the "Do Not Pet" categories of my life, right along with electric fences, sea urchins, and Rhinos in a bad temper.
Bet on to the holidays. The Holiday's both Turkey Day and Santa Day went off without much trouble. Turkey day visited the folks who live in the middle of NOWHERE. I thought I had been to the middle of nowhere before, I have pictures, but apparently there are two nowheres and this is the latter. But mom and dad, lovable tikes that they are, made a spankin good turkey day dinner, and much eating was had. My rents, btw, live in a castle. No no, not rich, not even too upscale, but why a castle you say? Cause they are renting it from a crazy person. And not just any crazy person, a crazy person who built a castle out of second hand cheap parts. It is a normal house with the following:
Giant freaking Castle Door, with a hatch so you can see people outside, as though the windows right next to the door were not enough. Perhaps they can only be seen from the front.
Side Note: The cat is now having a dream. I did not know cat's dreamed, I mean I assumed it, but I did not expect the seizures of movement, the mumbled meows, and the subsequent rolling off of the couch. Yes, dogs may dream, but they start off on the floor, but cats like to dream on top of bookshelves. Not the best option in my opinion, no I don't think so.
Castle continues: There is actually a suit of armor in the front parlor. Made out of, what was that? Aluminum Foil. This is the fakest armor I have ever seen. All the crown molding is very Gothic, and the fireplace stretches from floor to second floor ceiling but everything reeks of, well how can I say it, Ikea. Yes, this is a do it yourself, second hand woodcut, castle. And the pinnacle of this is achieved with the tight spiral staircase from, yes, Ikea. I wouldn't trust myself to walk up and down this and nearly pooed when three other people tried to climb it at once. Oh, standards, where have ye gone. (You like the use of ye? I was going for that Castley feel.)
So Turkey day to Christmas was more of the same. Generally trying to get the better of the world but failing like a math test where I ate my pencil.
Christmas! Ah the Christmas holiday. I have to say I was excited about this one, mainly cause the wife would be home to keep me company. The one thing I didn't count on was that she would not be home, and nor would I. Because she would have taken me out Shopping. Huzza, being out on Christmas Eve, shopping. Actually between the recession and online access it wasn't that bad, but you have to understand this. If you have money during a recession, and aren't shopping online that just makes you a very rich, very very stupid person. And yes, they were in no short supply this holiday. It is strange how angry shopping bleeds over into angry driving. How I survived I'll never know. Perhaps I didn't and this lack of getting a job is simply one of the flags to denote that I've made it safely to hell. Couldn't say. But Christmas was nice, my bro joined us and we had days out with friends, much merriment etc etc. Relatives over, relatives being "Relatives" at each other, which bubbles down to a Middle School prom where the group splits in half and stares at each other across the room. But everyone was friendly and no one offered to carve the turkey with too much enthusiasm. Didn't get much for the holidays. A nice coat so I can actually not freeze.
Interesting side note. I do not like how I approach shopping. Don't know how I got like this but I did. It basically boils down to, if I can physically survive without actually dying with what I currently have or can scrap together or borrow, I don't need a new one. This is why I have been rocking the old school Nintendo for the last 20 years. If it was good enough for me when I was 8 then it is good enough for me now. But luckily my lady forces me to go shopping. *clicks heels in joy, but realized that I'm weak from walking around the mall for fifty hours* And so I have a new coat, and no longer get sick from running around outside in my underwear and a t-shirt. (They have a very relaxed neighborhood here)
Lets see, also got some money, cause I don't got none. Holiday's are like my second job. Huzza. Well that was meant to be a sarcastic huzza, but you can't tell on here. From now on sarcastic huzzas will be spelled Huzzack! I like that, just a little flair of rational thinking and a whole lot of 1980's cartoon influence. Huzzack!
The wife cleaned house this Christmas, hence we don't have one. Oh but I jest. She got some nice things and so did everyone else, merriment and too much eating all around.
New Years was fun, did a little party hopping and the second place we stopped in at was playing the best new drinking game EVER! My brother had told me about it and in classic Jo fashion he took it to extremes. But let me explain.
The game is called Wizard's Staff. It is played by finishing beer can 1. Acquire beer can 2 while holding onto beer can 1. Tape unopened beer can 2 to the top of beer can 1 (I think you can see where I'm going with this). Then drink beer 2 while taped to beer can 1 (empty). And so you keep stacking your beer cans while making it harder to drink. And when I say my bro took it to extremes I mean he had two people helping him hold his staff while he drank (my that sounds wrong) all while playing the game by himself. Rock out bro, rock out.
Ah, but my favorite part of the game as I was introduced to it was, as you get cans, you get abilities and spells. 3 cans = you can use the bathroom. So drink up quick! 4 cans = you can play beerpong. And they go on, I shall need to find definitive rules for this, but a couple I truly liked were 9 = you can cast silence on people. Hey crazy lady no one likes but got invited cause your bangin my bud. SILENCE! And the world is a slightly better place. Or 15 = Invisibility. Now I don't know if this is more fun for the person who has reached level 15 cause he can claim to be invisible and people should play along, or if it is more fun for everyone else to watch a guy a case deep trying to act invisible. Something makes me think that in those special cases the naked guy will suddenly make an appearance at the party.
But New Years was fun.
And now we are in the New Year! 2009. Well, 2008 was sort of a bust so lets see how this one goes. Any new years resolutions people? People keep asking what mine are, and I have to admit that makes me wonder if I look like I need a resolution. Am I obscenely fat or are people trying to drop me hints about a smell or perhaps a hairstyle? Not sure. I think I shall resolve to just kick a lot of ass. And if at the end of the year I have a trail of people hobbling and limping behind me with severe rump issues I will know not to roll with a metaphor the coming year.
Rock out!
WELL, where to start. Seeing as I can't recall what I wrote last time and I'm too lazy to go back and check I'll do a quick synopsis. I finally landed a job as a bartender/server at a local restaurant, huzza employment, but am still applying like crazy to jobs. After a small application hiatus I started applying in the new year *fingers crossed* and have passed the 120 jobs applied mark. It just amuses me to think that there are now 119 (not 120 cause I got ONE of them) that are employed before I was. As the French do not say, Le Sigh.
But onward and upward. Still applying to jobs, and let me tell you, while people are usually out at work during the day weird shit happens at home. Such as I sit here typing and at the same time I watch the cat, lovable spunk that he is, clean himself. What I did not know about cats however, or at least this one, is that he likes to tear chunks, yes CHUNKS of fur out and then EAT them. Yes eat them. This little guy I thought was getting fat cause we fed him too much, but no, it is a straight process of recycling. And that is why this cat has very definitively been placed under the "Gross" and the "Do Not Pet" categories of my life, right along with electric fences, sea urchins, and Rhinos in a bad temper.
Bet on to the holidays. The Holiday's both Turkey Day and Santa Day went off without much trouble. Turkey day visited the folks who live in the middle of NOWHERE. I thought I had been to the middle of nowhere before, I have pictures, but apparently there are two nowheres and this is the latter. But mom and dad, lovable tikes that they are, made a spankin good turkey day dinner, and much eating was had. My rents, btw, live in a castle. No no, not rich, not even too upscale, but why a castle you say? Cause they are renting it from a crazy person. And not just any crazy person, a crazy person who built a castle out of second hand cheap parts. It is a normal house with the following:
Giant freaking Castle Door, with a hatch so you can see people outside, as though the windows right next to the door were not enough. Perhaps they can only be seen from the front.
Side Note: The cat is now having a dream. I did not know cat's dreamed, I mean I assumed it, but I did not expect the seizures of movement, the mumbled meows, and the subsequent rolling off of the couch. Yes, dogs may dream, but they start off on the floor, but cats like to dream on top of bookshelves. Not the best option in my opinion, no I don't think so.
Castle continues: There is actually a suit of armor in the front parlor. Made out of, what was that? Aluminum Foil. This is the fakest armor I have ever seen. All the crown molding is very Gothic, and the fireplace stretches from floor to second floor ceiling but everything reeks of, well how can I say it, Ikea. Yes, this is a do it yourself, second hand woodcut, castle. And the pinnacle of this is achieved with the tight spiral staircase from, yes, Ikea. I wouldn't trust myself to walk up and down this and nearly pooed when three other people tried to climb it at once. Oh, standards, where have ye gone. (You like the use of ye? I was going for that Castley feel.)
So Turkey day to Christmas was more of the same. Generally trying to get the better of the world but failing like a math test where I ate my pencil.
Christmas! Ah the Christmas holiday. I have to say I was excited about this one, mainly cause the wife would be home to keep me company. The one thing I didn't count on was that she would not be home, and nor would I. Because she would have taken me out Shopping. Huzza, being out on Christmas Eve, shopping. Actually between the recession and online access it wasn't that bad, but you have to understand this. If you have money during a recession, and aren't shopping online that just makes you a very rich, very very stupid person. And yes, they were in no short supply this holiday. It is strange how angry shopping bleeds over into angry driving. How I survived I'll never know. Perhaps I didn't and this lack of getting a job is simply one of the flags to denote that I've made it safely to hell. Couldn't say. But Christmas was nice, my bro joined us and we had days out with friends, much merriment etc etc. Relatives over, relatives being "Relatives" at each other, which bubbles down to a Middle School prom where the group splits in half and stares at each other across the room. But everyone was friendly and no one offered to carve the turkey with too much enthusiasm. Didn't get much for the holidays. A nice coat so I can actually not freeze.
Interesting side note. I do not like how I approach shopping. Don't know how I got like this but I did. It basically boils down to, if I can physically survive without actually dying with what I currently have or can scrap together or borrow, I don't need a new one. This is why I have been rocking the old school Nintendo for the last 20 years. If it was good enough for me when I was 8 then it is good enough for me now. But luckily my lady forces me to go shopping. *clicks heels in joy, but realized that I'm weak from walking around the mall for fifty hours* And so I have a new coat, and no longer get sick from running around outside in my underwear and a t-shirt. (They have a very relaxed neighborhood here)
Lets see, also got some money, cause I don't got none. Holiday's are like my second job. Huzza. Well that was meant to be a sarcastic huzza, but you can't tell on here. From now on sarcastic huzzas will be spelled Huzzack! I like that, just a little flair of rational thinking and a whole lot of 1980's cartoon influence. Huzzack!
The wife cleaned house this Christmas, hence we don't have one. Oh but I jest. She got some nice things and so did everyone else, merriment and too much eating all around.
New Years was fun, did a little party hopping and the second place we stopped in at was playing the best new drinking game EVER! My brother had told me about it and in classic Jo fashion he took it to extremes. But let me explain.
The game is called Wizard's Staff. It is played by finishing beer can 1. Acquire beer can 2 while holding onto beer can 1. Tape unopened beer can 2 to the top of beer can 1 (I think you can see where I'm going with this). Then drink beer 2 while taped to beer can 1 (empty). And so you keep stacking your beer cans while making it harder to drink. And when I say my bro took it to extremes I mean he had two people helping him hold his staff while he drank (my that sounds wrong) all while playing the game by himself. Rock out bro, rock out.
Ah, but my favorite part of the game as I was introduced to it was, as you get cans, you get abilities and spells. 3 cans = you can use the bathroom. So drink up quick! 4 cans = you can play beerpong. And they go on, I shall need to find definitive rules for this, but a couple I truly liked were 9 = you can cast silence on people. Hey crazy lady no one likes but got invited cause your bangin my bud. SILENCE! And the world is a slightly better place. Or 15 = Invisibility. Now I don't know if this is more fun for the person who has reached level 15 cause he can claim to be invisible and people should play along, or if it is more fun for everyone else to watch a guy a case deep trying to act invisible. Something makes me think that in those special cases the naked guy will suddenly make an appearance at the party.
But New Years was fun.
And now we are in the New Year! 2009. Well, 2008 was sort of a bust so lets see how this one goes. Any new years resolutions people? People keep asking what mine are, and I have to admit that makes me wonder if I look like I need a resolution. Am I obscenely fat or are people trying to drop me hints about a smell or perhaps a hairstyle? Not sure. I think I shall resolve to just kick a lot of ass. And if at the end of the year I have a trail of people hobbling and limping behind me with severe rump issues I will know not to roll with a metaphor the coming year.
Rock out!
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