Oh Modern Media How you Fail me like 8th grade Algebra

Oh where to start where to start. How about here. I have a small list of movie that I want to see, and have wanted to see for awhile. They might even be considered my boredom backup list, and top of this list was the movie blockbuster "Tropic Thunder". Now I have a lot of friends, many of which are in the Film Industry and the rest who are simply discerning. This movie had gotten rave reviews by all of them. This movie had Robert Downy Jr. and Ben Stiller, two actors whom I have thoroughly enjoyed in previous movies. And so as I sit myself down for an evening of fantastic movie watching with what I consider to be a sure fire pick.
This movie sucked. No, correction. This movie was an abomination. If this movie were a person it would be the Hunchback of Notre Dame without the Disney Lyrics. If it was a baby it would be Rosemary's baby with the crazy projectile vomiting. This movie wasn't just borderline retarded, it was hooked up to the machines in a straight up vegetative state. This Movie blew like an expensive hooker (I say expensive because one would logically assume the whore money to blow ratio was a relative ratio and not an inverse one, hence more money, more blow.)
Now my problems with this movie:
1)Lack of consistent plot.
Now I thought that this movie was about some actors taken into the wilderness to do some real action acting, but not knowing they had stumbled into a real war zone. This, however, did not seem to be the case. In all honesty I'm not sure what the case was. It seemed like half of the characters knew they were in trouble and the other half didn't and then they would randomly change their minds throughout the movie. BAFFLED!

2)Lack of rational thought on part of ANYBODY.
Now I like a little crazy just like anybody, hell I've dated a fair bit of crazy, but I like my movies to make SENSE. I mean, A equals B therefore C. This movie was like A equals L therefore GIRAFFE. It made no sense. I completely lost what the hell was going on when the leader of the Heroine drug cartel turned out to be a 10 year old. Yes a 10 year old. I can only assume they needed someone outside the acting guild and for some reason he fit the bill. BAFFLED AGAIN!

3) It had Tom Cruise in yet another ridiculous and stupidly done role.
Anyone seen the new War of the Worlds? I did. I think I saw it anyway, that or someone snuck me in for a lobotomy. And his astounding acting worked magic yet again in this movie. That was sarcasm for NO acting, and LAME-ITY. I think his only good role was in Legend, and that was only because he was opposite Tim Curry, WOO Tim Curry, only as long as you keep your clothes on. (Footnote, See Rockie Horror) But good ol Tom thought he could pull an Eddie Murphy and dress up like some overweight summoner of cinematic evil. And all we got was Tom looking like a dork and yelling the F-word a lot. Bravo, what acting I have not seen since Aliens 3, hitherto the greatest amount of F-word uttered in one cinematic spectacle. Bravo you have successfully competed with evil acid spitting aliens and rightly so, now go home and learn to act like someone other than Tom Cruise. ONWARD!

4)Poor Writing
Now it is not that the writing was poor. It was just that it was utterly F-ing Horrible, the likes of which my penis could produce should it decide to grow a thumb and hold a pen, and in all honesty, it could probably pull it off without the thumb. This script looped around so much, and had so many flailing loose threads and ideas that it made no sense. It just, well, sort of rambled. Alot. How this got chosen without a LARGE re-write, I'll never know. FAVOR!

So high points of the movie, Good ol' Robert Downy Jr. playing the dude dressed like a dude playing another dude. Funny character, but if I dropped Charlie Chaplin in the middle of the Bronx I feel that it would stop being funny very quickly. As was the case with this movie. So bravo Robert, and to death and beyond for the person who cast the 10 year old as the villain.

I think they blew all their movie on this movie hiring Tom Cruise. And well frankly if you blow, you get blow.

And so I went to bed after the movie like a hungry orphan who just ate a dead rat. And the next day I watched "In the Name of the King". Starring such notables as Jason Statham from "The Transporter" and Leelee Sobieski (HAHA, who names their kid that??? You sound like a panda), Ray Liotta (Last seen in Muppets from Space. Where have you BEEN for the last 10 years??), and good old John Rhys-Davies (the only good thing about the TV show sliders, until he died for some reason.) And let me tell you, I didn't know that this movie had made it onto the TOP TEN worst movies EVER! And for some reason HBO is still advertising it like their golden child. Confused much. And so I rocked it out. And fell asleep. Woke up for awhile dazed and confused. Fell asleep. Woke up screaming, realized it was still on. Continued to scream.
This movie wasn't just bad. This movie didn't just have plot holes the size of a small moon. This movie didn't just REEK of bad acting, poor poor POOR directing, and a script that, frankly, should have been donated to the poor orphans home for gifted paper plane makers.
This movie, had Matthew Lillard as the lovable backstabbing, and for some reason incredibly Gay, nephew of the King. And Wow. I recommend this movie to any would be actor just so you can fix this portrayal in your mind as how not to act when being a Lord. Hell, how not to act EVER. It just didn't make sense, and on top of that, I don't even know if he died by the end. I think they might have just alluded to it, or perhaps covered it up with a pointless sex scene (don't get your hopes up, there was only one), or maybe even masked it with the pointless death of a child (also only one, sadly.)
I think my favorite conundrum of the movie was when the bad guy claimed to be neither good nor evil, but beyond such worldly realms. He slow ran down a little kid on foot to stab him with a sword! Really? REALLY? Did you even go back and Spellcheck your script?
I am making up a new word for people that write crap like this. It is TaintAss. Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but by GOD it makes me feel better. All you crappy script writers out there who happen to be Friends with whoever to get your scripts made, and all you actors out there who do goodness knows what to get parts that you Botch! I say TaintAss. Good day to you sirs!

BAFFLED!

Quote of the day:

Me: "Mom, I can't stand how the movie industry sucks so much. Why is it like that?"
Mom: (Yes my mom): "It's because of all the incest!"
(Bravo mom, bravo. I don't understand your logic, but it just sounds so right.)