TV you have let me down like a skydiver without a shute.

Well, I think I am done watching TV. Yep. All of it. I mean, TV has been backsliding for awhile now, and people have said, “Oh, well it was the writers strike” or “oh it was the fear of an actors guild strike”, but none of that makes any sense to me. Why? Cause they are over now, and television shows suck MORE THAN EVER! I mean, back in the 80s and 90s TV wasn’t great, but it was enjoyable. You had sitcoms like Step by Step and Full House that while not being the epitome of realistic TV were GOOD because they weren’t supposed to be realistic. TV ISN’T supposed to be realistic, that is what people forget. What makes them enjoyable is that they are in and of themselves a television show, and not a window into some realistic world. But aside from that, TV now SUCKS. The writing is frankly, absolutely F-ing Retarded. I mean WOW. Like, I am actually negatively impressed. That’s right, I have inverted admiration and awe for the writing skill used in shows like Heroes, or Grey's Anatomy, and Desperate Housewives and House. Negative awe, for those of you just joining the show is where I watch something, realize that not only could I do better, I could do better A) Asleep, B) while in a coma, and C) with a pencil held in my mouth. I mean SERIOUSLY! Now let us explain WHY TV sucks.

I used to watch a lot more TV, and I am one to Enjoy TV. But I no longer do, at ALL. I have given up on the following shows over the past few months as they slid downhill into the valley of utterly ballistically dumb. (I imagine a Dunce Cap fired out of a cannon with this phrasing). My current TV shit list: Grey's Anatomy – I started watching this a year or so ago with friends and found I rather enjoyed it, though it was a bit girlish, but now it has been tossed on the fire. Why? I think the episode where everyone had sex with each other in a conga line fashion to cover up the complete lack of plot did it for me. Oh wait, that has been every episode for the past year. Oh, and when they brought a deer into the hospital to bring it back to life helped put me over the edge. This show is re-stupid, and I could go into more detail, but there are so many more to throw loathing at. Desperate Housewives: Much the same grievances as Grey’s Anatomy (which in and of itself is the worse pun on a title ever). But D-Housewives (I abbreviate cause it is a long and dumb title) got retarded also, and they actually tried to cover their tracks for bad writing by in between seasons Fast Forwarding 5 YEARS. Well, talk about tossing it all out and restarting. I still don’t watch it but I salute your moxy. Ugly Betty. This show has also gotten terrible. And to justify why I think it is terrible, and to show I know what I am talking about and not just rambling I will enter in some specifics. This was a show about one (Ugly) young girl chasing her dream of getting into the Magazine industry in New York City. It followed her as a main character that had ups and downs, loves and woes, and a family who supported her. I no longer watch this show because of several reasons. 1) The writers are taking the approach of only writing ahead one or two episodes. This means that the plot elements they are entering in are not thought out about how they will affect the plot later on. Two of the main characters recently fell in love with two other characters. Now I feel they have tired of this (fairly major) thread, and suddenly in one episode one love interest character buggers off to another country with rambling excuses about pent up anger and resentment that were NEVER HINTED AT BEFORE (note, a complete lack of foreshadowing of personal involvement or motivation is a KEY sign of a shitty show), and the other love interest character, like F-ing Magic, suddenly has Cancer, and might I add for a SECOND time, of which the first we had NEVER heard of (pretty big thing to gloss over huh?) and has disappeared. Well, way to cover your crap-tastic writing by Killing Off the characters. Bravo, I would have never thought to do that, especially when I watch such a well written show as Heroes, oh wait, my bad, that is EXACTLY what they did too.

Heroes is another one, that while I still watch it, I play my Nintendo DS (Nintendo DS Plug: Best game system ever, with a load time of 10 seconds for any game so you are never kept waiting, great for when you are stuck at the mall shopping with the person who gave you the DS so you “owe them one” but want to not pay attention so you can pull this out and play games and then BOTH can have a good time. Warning: While you can operate yourself and heavy machinery while playing the DS, if you try to follow your significant other around the store using your peripheral vision, make sure that they are NOT wearing the same outfit as someone else in the store whom you might follow out to their car accidentally, or, in a worst case scenario, a mannequin.)

But yes, Heroes is another show that makes me want to slam the toilet seat down on my Penis. It is one HORRIBLE show. I mean, I LOVED the first season, and would metaphorically race home from school to sit in front of the TV with my action figures while it played on Dads brand new Picture Box. But then the next season came around where the writing got, frankly, belligerently retarded. So much so that I heard they fired a couple of the writers, and brought back some of season 1 writers to de-dumbify the show. Reason being, Season 2 changed who all the characters were, making them suffer foolish and irrational personality changes and their actions of judgment were, frankly, either non-existent, or so erratic that they should all have been put in a “Home” long ago. For those who know the show I will point out some flaws: Sylar turned good, then bad, then good, then bad like some sort of Super Powered but utterly idiotic, yo-yo. They introduced the “Veronica Mars” character, who in my opinion had not a serious acting bone in her body that worked for this show. She is okay in other stuff, but in this show comes across as just a bad actor. And there was some half-ass love story referencing flashbacks that had no relevance and had not been alluded to in the past, so basically a big waste of time. Aaaand they killed her off when the realized what a bad idea it was. And they did much the same with other characters. One semi-useless character from season 1 they had the gumption, not only to kill off, but to replace with, dun dun dun…. HERSELF! Yea, apparently there was something to do with secret triplets or some crap. Yea. Dumb. And there were unexplained usages of powers by people already dead, who were illusions created by other characters, but that doesn’t make sense that an illusion would have the powers of the real person who I must remind you is DEAD, but I think the writers believed we wouldn’t notice, or just didn’t care as they rolled around on their mattress full of money. I mean this show is now BAD. And I thought third season might be better? Nope. Still dumb. But nothing good is on, so I keep watching with my good ol DS.

THAT has become my standard for watching television and movies. If I can NOT watch the TV and play a riveting game of Mario 64 DS because I will miss aspects of plot and intrigue, then it might be a good show. To date I play my DS while watching everything, cause it is the only way that I can use up all that free brain power that is left spinning because what I am watching is so BAD and requires such a clocking Down of brainpower to make watching it and not vomiting even feasible. That’s right, if I didn’t play my DS while watching bad TV I would throw up on myself, THAT is how bad TV is today.

BUT! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Well two lights to be specific, though they are, Thankfully, not the lights of oncoming traffic as far as I know.

Light 1) British TV. I have really gotten into obtaining and watching British TV. For one strong example (and yes I am a guy who likes my Sci-Fi) the show Dr. Who. Rocks my socks off, well written, Amusing, and in general a show where I run home and curl up in front of the TV with my action figures again. The show is pleasant because of the following: Each season has what I like to call an End Game. Meaning, that I can know for certain that in the last 2-3 episodes there will be a climax of phenomenal proportions that will build on and utilize many features and aspects not only of the whole season, but of references from previous seasons. Hence, it will be pleasing, and well written. Additionally there are “feel good” episodes throughout the season where nothing in particular happens to move the plot forward, but it takes a proverbial break where you get to enjoy the main characters doing something new and creative. GOOD show. GREAT show. And so I am getting more British shows cause they, frankly, have not let me down.

Light 1.5) Yes I say 1.5 cause I forgot to mention it above. ANYWAY. I like older shows. Half the fun with a show that has run its course is watching it. Perhaps TV right now is so UDDERLY atrocious, (and yes I said Udderly, cause it is so bad it is like staring at the underside of a cow), that it presses us to buy past seasons of DVDs. Or maybe they just get paid too much to write shitty, I don’t know (of course I know, but I’ll get into that in a bit). But like I was saying, I have been obtaining older shows and ROCKING THEM OUT. Cause I love to watch old seasons of stuff, such as the Sci-Fi channel hit SG-1 starring (and you may have THOUGHT I was nerdy with this choice until I say)….. Richard Dean ANDERSON! That’s right, you thought Doogie Howser had a comeback with How I Met Your Mother (a great show also, but is ALSO suffering from declining writing. Hasn’t hit rock bottom yet, so still watchable but I am saying to them SHAPE UP or ship out!) then you should check out MacGuyver now saving the World, One Day at a Time. Tis a good show, and ten seasons of fun (though the last two don’t have Mr. Anderson *small tear (Poor Guy is sick, but hasn’t lost any of his Awesome)) but still a good show to the end with spinoff worthiness and everything. Where was I? Oh well, there are many good shows that it is fun to go back and watch. Supernatural is another amusing one that is still on but on hiatus. (Story about two brothers hunting demons and ghosts) Tis fun. But I digress, there are many shows that are either done or have a lot of back-story up till the current episodes that would be fun to watch. Lost is another fun one, though the writing is so all over the place that it is hard to follow. I think this might actually be the most BRILLIANT method of commercialization if I am correct. Lost: Good show, BUT, hard as F to follow. Theory: You create a show that has EXTREME linearity. IE. Each episode if frankly impossible to follow without seeing the previous one. Theory part 2: There will be Many MANY references to stuff that will go forward and backwards in the story line (i.e. Like I said about forshadowing, and such. A great show will do good foreshadowing. Lost does it on a ridiculous level with hints and twinges back and forth. ) Hence you will REALLY want to watch it more than once to get these references. Theory Part 3: (I really hate it when I have to stop writing cause I get on or off the train or have to race people Olympic style to my car. Lets see where was I…) It has to be well done. As does any show, or so I thought before I saw all the crap on TV now. So BASICALLY, you end up with a show that you want to watch again because of all the references, and yet it is very linear so you have to watch ALL of it again, not just your favorite season. Hence DVD Sales! Yep, I honestly think Lost is confusing as crap yet addictive because they thought far ahead enough to basically Guarantee DVD sales, as long as they keep their shit together. Only down side is the decade or two between when they air the stinkin episodes.

And Light 3) Cartoons. What? What was that you say? Yes, cartoons. I mean, there are all kinds of shows out there now, many of which I feel people “love” but just because they don’t know that they are settling. I’ve watched Flight of the Concords and Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and while I may laugh occasionally, it is OCCASIONALLY. There are cartoons American and foreign that I watch where I actually have to pause the show until I stop laughing because A) it is THAT funny, and B) I don’t want to miss anything cause what I might miss will most likely be RELEVENT (i.e. It sticks to the plot and rocks out) I LOVE cartoons. If I could do anything it would be make cartoons I think. I have shows in my noodle for shows and movies I would love to make, and I enjoy them in my head too. But needless to say, I feel cartoons are quite possibly the epitome of television. What? Baffled?! Why you ask? It is simple, because the people who write for cartoons have to be SMART, and not just smart, but clever smart. I may have mentioned this in a previous blog, but with a cartoon you are writing it for the kid, and for the adults who don’t suck and watch TV with their kids. But they have to be entertained without giving any inappropriate stuff to the kid too. So like I said, Clever! They recently remade Ninja Turtles, and He-Man, both PHENOMINALLY. The writing that went behind it was amazing. And the same is with many other cartoons. And while some are very kiddish and some are frankly just BAD, I find the ratio of Super Retarded to Awesome to be in the favor of Awesome unlike regular TV, which suffers the plague of Reality TV. Now this segues, and I don’t mean that little thing cops chase down criminals on, (which has always seemed odd to me. Are we breeding a race of policemen who can only move on sidewalks?) to my next topic… if I can remember what it is after that rant. Oh yes!

I would wager if I asked California why there was crappy writing on TV I would get 2 answers. 1) Reality TV is stealing all the money and there is none left to make regular fictional TV awesome. And 2) Some people may say that the quality of programming is declining because of the state of the economy. I only have one thing to say. Fuck… That. Okay, really? REALLY? These are your reasons? I mean there is SO MUCH MONEY in TV, the only reason I can see a lack of funds effecting TV is because they have to hire people for less $$ out of their pool of writers. But if you went outside your pool of “LA favorites” you could get amazing writers for NOTHING. Have you SEEN Indi films? And while I do not like Indi films because they are often quite over dramatic and sappy, they are written very well. Hire one of them! To say that a lack of funds either by reason 1 or 2 is causing craptastic writing is just, as my mom would say, Malarki. Not sure what this means, or why mom says it, but to each their own. And it isn’t just LA. I mean HBO shows suck. A LOT. Have you ever watched the show Weeds? Interesting concept, about a mother selling pot to make money after her husband dies, and I watched it with mild amusement, but by the time we hit season 3 I am punching myself in the crotch as a form of entertainment better than watching that “Malarki”. I would love to describe how the basis of who the characters are changes so dramatically so that what comes out of season 2 is not what went in AT ALL in season 1, without any realistic transition in character development. I would love to say how they splice and chop plotlines, making stuff up on the fly, causing situations just to “get something done” with zero rational, and when we discover how crappy what we are watching is getting they pummel us with sex scene after sex scene as though that will throw us off. I would love to say how they believe their approach to “risqué” topics such as homosexuality, and marital cheating, and polygamy makes their programming edgy and out there and artistic, but in reality it doesn’t “Do” anything for the show except make them try to work with topics and still suck at writing them. I would love to say how they take ideas that possess real potential, like modern day vampires in a modern day accepting of vampire society show “Trueblood” and cast it with the biggest bunch of retards and bad actors I have ever seen, and then deciding that they haven’t ruined it enough, make the writing so bad that they simply make certain characters disappear. No, not written out. Disappear, cause they honestly seem to have forgotten they were part of the cast, and by the time they remembered they must have though, Meh.

Oh television. You make me so, so sad. I am going to the store later to look at video games and board games, and nay even some old tapes of radio shows to take me back to the good old days when programming wasn’t terrible and people’s standards hadn’t slipped because the programming had evolved to crap or Reality TV had stolen their souls. And YES, reality TV STEALS YOUR SOUL. Can you honestly say that someone who watches a show where people bitch the whole time about life, suck at life, and get paid for being as retarded as they are, still has a soul left after watching the program?? I mean some are acceptable, but only the game show ones in my opinion (Rock out Double Dare! Good old Nickelodeon and getting slimed. Why is there no more sliming? I think 80’s was the decade of slime. Nickelodeon, Ghost busters, and more). But if you are watching people A) Be stupid on TV because they either ARE or merely are ACTING so for money (any of the living together shows), B) Watching people chase their dream in a retarded way instead of getting out there and actually trying at LIFE (American Idol), C) Watching People who are slutting it up at each other for money and fame (any bachelorette/bachelor or hook up, make out, make up, make over, make make, and make poo show)… then you are severely lacking in the Soul department, and may you live one day to wake up from this trance where TV has taken your standards of amusement and pummeled them into oblivion.

And they thought Plasma TV’s would save them. Fools! It has merely made a 1080i HD resolution of their tomfoolery!

Like Magic! Fin!



PS: Sweet Patent of the week:
You know, I really am finding my job amusing: Interpersonal Pursuit Method: http://www.google.com/patents?id=DMGnAAAAEBAJ&dq=11/502049