Well Well Well. Let us see where life has left us. I could say that I have not blogged lately because I am busy at the new job, just bought a house or am catering to my woman’s every whim, but I think in reality we all know that it was just because I am lazy. But onward and upward we shall go. I still intend to write on a weekly basis, but we shall see if I get off my butt to accomplish this.
Recently I have seen a few movies that have both astounded me (and believe me I have a high astoundment threshold) and ones that have nearly taken me back to the days of my youth when I used to soil myself.
Let us start with the review of one amazing movie. UP. I LOVED this movie. If I could have babies, and could have babies with a movie, and those babies were guaranteed to inherit their movie like genes from UP and go off to make millions of dollars to support my lazy ass, I would have babies with UP. A few things this movie did that were exceptional were the following. The writing was clever, it was better by far than most out there, but held to a very suitable story arc, introducing characters, allowing both main and sub characters to grow, and it developed the plot well. The thing I was TRULY amazed about, however, was the syncing of the writing and the directing. Yes yes, I know, you can’t direct a cartoon, but I have to say, these cartoon actors did a better job than any real actor I have seen in a long time. It would allow the reactions and, and this is the most important part kids, the lines left UNSAID, to dictate what was happening and tell the story. Brilliant. Very few movies do this now where they tell a story by reaction of characters and unspoken words. Most will either hit you over the head with plot, leave out so much dialogue thinking they are clever (but are not) or will make Vampires made out of glitter, which I still cannot understand. They are coming out with a sequel to Twilight you know. 25% more glitter or so I’ve heard. Family pack style. *Sigh*
I also saw the movie TAKEN. Also GREAT, but much more a guy movie with guns and such. Basic plot Leim Nisan's daughter is kidnapped and kills a hundred foreigners to get her back. But done kick ass quasi “24” style. I heard the blue ray disc version of the movie has a body counter that keeps track of his kills. I know what is on my wish list. That’s right, more pants. But I would also like to own this movie. But truthfully, this is one people would like cause it is a badass dad kicking ass in a world gone wrong where he don’t get no respect. It’s like a badass Rodney Dangerfield from Caddie Shack where he is the dad and the world is the Golfer.
Now on to the last of the great movies I have recently seen. I would like to award the unsung hero award of awesome to a movie few people knew came out and was watched by even fewer, and purchased perhaps by one die hard fan and his retarded pet goldfish. The Dragon Ball Z movie. Now I have a list of movies I am required to watch very very drunk, and unfortunately was not in the presence of alcohol when watching this precious Gem. I think my favorite aspect about this movie was that (now remember DBZ is an Anime) every Asian was now white, and the ONLY white guy in the anime is now an Asian. Bravo Hollywood, bravo. I can only assume magic spectacles and lots of money were involved on that decision. A few other amazing things about this movie was the way it promotes female violence. Not in the usual girl on girl way, but in the slap her around way. I think they were trying to shy away from the G rated crowd on that one. The plot completely lacked consistency, people basically teleport around and know crucial parts of the plot with no motivation as though their character had a copy of the script they were allowed to read as a bedtime story and it was basically as awesome and punching myself in the penis and paying for the experience.
I think my personal high point of the movie was where Apollo Creed and Rocky came out and reenacted the end of Rocky 3 to finish up the movie in a basically confusing as possible and rip-off style kind of way.
Other things of interest aside from movies, and yes I suck and am working down a list I wrote about a month ago when I had intended to write this blog. Boo me, but let us continue.
Recently bought a house. And let me tell you, buying something like that is the BIGGEST pain in the ass in the WORLD. For many many many reasons. For starters, I think over time various people for good reasons and greedy ones have orchestrated about as many contracts and “important” pieces of paper in regard to House buying as can be imagined and NO ONE knows what they are all for. I basically recall singing my name to a piece of paper adding extra money for my loan as insurance against “Magical Attacks from Wizards”. Well if I ever go to cash in on the insurance I know what fraud scheme I’m gonna pull. Harry Potter style, woot! (Haven’t seen it yet, don’t spoil it for me)
But I’m happy to own a house even after all the fixes we made the sellers do. And now I have a yard, and am apparently responsible for its maintenance. Nothing against the little lady, but I think she builds it up in her head how good I am at something. I say once how I planted a tree and in three weeks I’m freakin Poison Ivy from Batman being pursued across rooftops and through sewers. This is probably not helped my evening attire and gorgeous long red hair.
But the house is nice, once it is all set in though, it will be party time.
Job is still going well. Getting more and more silly application, and finding strange ones:
Push Up Device
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=2OMeAAAAEBAJ&dq=5,503,101
Drink Holder: Figure 2
http://www.google.com/patents?id=2wURAAAAEBAJ&dq=2003/0186614
Money in pocket and bra device
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=Et8aAAAAEBAJ&dq=5481758
Trap Breath as a Keepsake
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=3lSaAAAAEBAJ&dq=2006/0051245
Condoms are everywhere
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=dOovAAAAEBAJ&dq=4741434
Auto Disrobe
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=Gd6RAAAAEBAJ&dq=2005/0223479
I think it’s a Bjorg ship.
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=zWUwAAAAEBAJ&dq=4509805
Fig 1, Drowning baby
http://www.google.com/patents/about?id=1KQjAAAAEBAJ&dq=5183179
Picture Condom
http://www.google.com/patents?id=o6YEAAAAEBAJ&printsec=abstract&zoom=4
My favorite is the last. For those crazy nights out on the town where you just need to recall what happened and with whom. We promote Quality here at the patent office, pure unadulterated Quality.
Also started a new diet (P90X) with the wife. Trying to lose the keg and turn it into a sixer, or perhaps a nice bottle of Chardonnay (I have a very weird shaped body) But all in all the eating right and working out is going well, except that in an effort to stick to it I’m trying very hard to stick to it, so I have consequently pulled a Milton from Office space the day there were like 3 cakes in my office. Stupid birthdays. Stupid King Cones (so delicious). Angry Face! But we strive. I started to forget to shave my beard when I started too, and was thinking I would continue to let it thrive under the premise that I would let it go until I was happy with my weight. That’s right folks I’m doing the diet that turns FAT into BEARD! Here is a graphic representation of how I will look:
I’ll be black with AWESOME, and as a side effect of the diet.
Well that is all for now. Next blog will have the worlds BEST NEW DRINKING GAME and others!
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